Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

The Pope comes to America. Of course, he's very busy. Masses, rallies, dinners, events, etc. For security, he has the same limo driver daily.

One evening at a banquet, he sees a chance to sneak away unnoticed. He goes out back, finds his limo, knocks on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat eating a huge sandwich with his feet up on the seat.

Driver: Your holiness! I'm so sorry. Where can I take you? Forgive me!

Pope: Sit, eat, my son. Truthfully, I'd like to take the car for a drive. I'm the Pope, and everything is done for me. I've never driven an automobile. Please allow me.

Driver: certainly, your holiness. Let me assist.

Pope: Sit, my son. Finish your dinner.

The Pope begins to drive. Naturally, he is not very good at it as he has never done this before. After hitting several parked cars, lamp posts, and stop signs, He is pulled over by a state trooper.

The police man gets out of his cruiser, approaches the driver's window and knocks. The Pope lowers the window, Trooper eyes the scene and retreats to his cruiser. Immediately, he grabs his cell phone and phones the governor.

Trooper: Governor, this is state trooper Wilson. I've just pulled over the most important person in the world for a serious traffic violation but I don't know what to do.

Gov: Who do your have there? Clinton? I will speak to the White House Chief of Staff. I'll straighten this out.

Trooper: No, it's not Clinton. It's the most important person in the world!

Gov: Well, who do you have? The UN Secretary General? I will speak to one of those UN guys. Diplomatic immunity is a very sacred thing you know.

Trooper: No, no. I've already told you. Its the most important person in the world.

Gov: Dammit, Wilson, who the hell did you pull over?

Trooper: I have no idea, but he's sittin' in the back seat of a limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver!

 

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."


This test has only one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving
an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you
will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your
answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.


You're in Zimbabwe... near Kariba, to be exact. There is great chaos
going on around you, caused by an unpredicted hurricane and severe
floods.
There are huge masses of water all about you. You are a Daily News
photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and
people floating around you, disappearing into the Zambezi River as it
roars through the gorge. Nature is showing all its destructive power and
is ripping everything away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water - he is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move
closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is...
it's
Robert Mugabe!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
away, forever. You have two options and no time to lose. You can save
him or you can take the best photo of your life. You can't do both.
So, you can save the life of Robert Mugabe... or you can shoot a prize
winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's
most notorious leaders.




Here's the question (please give an honest answer):





Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of
classic black and white?

 

Classic blak & white.. (that would do some fair work for a black man like me.. lol)

 

Old Chinese Proverbs #76

Confucius say, "If you are in a book store and cannot find the book

for which you search, you are obviously in the..... (click on image)
.

 

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking.I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". This means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend, companion or even family because if something happens there is someone to go get help. I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta, out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today. Just one shot to my girlfriend’s knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace. That's one of the best pistols in my collection...

 

Another one just for you.

There's a trafic jam on the Ben Schoema highway between Pretoria and Johannesburg. Eventually one guy comes past the cars talking to each motorist.

So what's going on ?

No man, the whole anc government is being held hostage by someone who says he is going to set them on fire if he doesn't get paid a million ZAR. We are taking up a collection.

Well, ok, so how much does every one on average give ?

Oh, about one liter of fuel....

 

Post #5782 is a joke but the truth actually. I was once delivering stuff at the university and they wouldn't let me in since the students were setting the buildings and other stuff on fire. The reason for the strike was there were not enough booze budgetted for their year end party. I kid you not !

Here is the only place they burn things or destroy things to fix them. Un be lievable.

 

For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a ******* in the family than a lawyer."

 

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man , oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?

"He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the mans replies, "Good Grief ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

 

Children's Science Exam Answers.

Q: Name the four seasons?
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit,
sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
(Brilliant love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the! oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the
Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards
the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun
joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels
and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (eg., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three
parts - the brainium, the Borax and the abdominal
cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal
cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O! ,
and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.


Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one.)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" ?
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

 

A lady was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. The girl picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The mother took the item away from her and asked her not to do that. 'Why?' the daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' mom replied. At this point, her daughter looked at her with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.' The mom was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.

''Exactly' mom replied back with a big smile on her face.

 

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

 

This man, his wife and their Border Collie, SARODI were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, SARODI gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of SARODI'S puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.

The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a *****! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is SARODI. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, SARODI for Littering!

 

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

 

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac Deville."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"