Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Rodeo Sex

Have you all heard about Rodeo Sex?

To do it you have your wife (or significant other) lay on her stomach and then gently slide into the "saddle." After you are both well into the rhythm of the act and in the heat of passion, call out another woman's name and attempt to hold on for at least eight seconds!

 

redneck education


Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and
sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean
of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example.. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you
would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a
wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
heterosexual..'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that
because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go
meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up
for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'



I am so glad i own a weedeater.

 

Why is the bride always smiling as she walks down the isle?




...because she knows that she has given her last *******.

 

Archaeology in Action = Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a
California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after,
A Story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding of
200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already
had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years
earlier than the New Yorkers"

One week later. A local newspaper in Texas reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Maypearl , Texas ,
Bubba Jones, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
Texas Had already gone wireless".

Just makes a person proud to be from Texas , don't it.

 

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mum fainted.

 

LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA

The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating. It did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area. One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans.

The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives?

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other people, but we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's."

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.They're out there, they live among us, AND THEY VOTE.

Now you understand how we got our president?

 

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods
and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden? POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any
butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you
won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a
matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest
of your life!!!'

Then POOF!..... she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the ***** willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred !' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ,
DON'T SWING!!!

 

Only A Farm Kid......

When you're from the country, your perception is a little different.......
A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town." "Well, is your Mother here?" "No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that.

I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

exellent jokes bambi, thx!
the rodeo sex joke one i wont forget
when she say's "the eagle has landed"
at least i know how to react

 

Hm? What joke is that? And no thank you, not my sort of rodeo sex
but in a catoon setting I can imagine your cast to be very funny
One thing we agree on: that were some good jokes bambi

 

Guy get pulled over by the cops.

Are you armed sir ?

Of course officer, I have a 9mm on my side, a 357 magnum tucked in the back, I have a .22 on my leg, there's a 44 automag in the cubbyhole and a shotgun under the seat.

Good grief sir, what are you afraid of ?

Fcuk all officer, fcuk all !

 

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color..
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.


Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
· If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back..
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed..
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

Scientists at CERN have found some neutrinos that may travel faster than light. The following Letter To The Editor appeared in the UK newspaper The Independent on Saturday. It was from a Dr of science:

Neutrino
Knock knock
Who's there?

 

7h15 m3554g3 53rv35 7o pr0v3 h0w 0ur m1nd5 c4n d0 4m4z1ng 7h1ng5! 1mpr3551v3 7h1ng5! 1n 7h3 b3g1nn1ng 17 wa5 h4rd bu7 n0w, 0n 7h15 lin3 y0ur m1nd 1s r34d1ng 17 4u70m471c4lly w17h 0u7 3v3n 7h1nk1ng 4b0u7 17, b3 proud! 0nly c3r741n p30pl3 c4n r3ad 7h15

 

L M A O! 7h47'5 gr8!