Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

This is my own saying.

Teenagers all do the same thing
In order to be different.

 

I want to be different and original, like everybody else. - Vivian Stanshall.

 

Camels in bed are deadly.

 

Silent but deadly.

 

A camel in bed can set the mattress on fire.





... and if you find that to be a double entendre, I'm worried about you.

 

A consonant walks into a bar and sits down next to a vowelly girl.

"Hi!" he says. "I'll alphabet that you've never been here before."

"Of cursive I have," she replies. "I come here all the time. For me, it's parse for the course."

The consonant remains stationery, enveloped by the vowelly girl's letter-perfect charm.

"Here's a cute joke" he states declaratively. "Up at the North Pole, St. Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a relative Claus. His children are dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Claus. And Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses. As a group, they're all renoun Clauses."

Then he lays on some more dashes of humor: "Have you heard about the fellow who had half his digestive tract removed? He walked around with a semi-colon."

"Are you prepositioning me?" asks the vowelly girl.

"I won't be indirect. You are the object of my preposition. Your beauty phrase my nerves. Won't you come up to my place for a coordinating conjunction?"

"I don't want to be diacritical of you, but you're such a boldfaced character!" replies the vowelly girl. "Do I have to
spell it out to you, or are you just plain comma-tose? You're not my type, so get off my case!"

Despite his past perfect, he is, at present, tense.

"Puhleeze, gag me with a spoonerism!" she objects. "As my Grammar and other correlatives used to say, your mind is in the guttural. I resent your umlautish behavior. You should know what the wages of syntax are. I nominative absolutely decline to conjugate with you fer sure!"

"You get high quotation marks for that one," he smiles, "even if I think you're being rather subjunctive and moody about all this. I so admire your figure of speech that I would like to predicate my life on yours." So he gets himself into an indicative mood and says, "It would be appreciated by me if you would be married to me."

"Are you being passive aggressive?" she asks interrogatively.

"No, I'm speaking in the active voice. Please don't have a vowel movement about this. I simile want to say to you, 'Metaphors be with you!' I would never want to change you and become a misplaced modifier. It's imperative that you understand that I'm very, very font of you and want us to spend infinitive together."

"That's quite a compliment," she blushes -- and gives him appositive response.

At the ceremonies they exchange wedding vowels about the compound subject of marriage.

Finally, they say, "I do," which is actually the longest and most complex of sentences -- a run-on sentence, actually -- one that we all hope won't turn out to be a sentence fragment.

Then the minister diagrams that sentence and says, "I now pronouns you consonant and vowel."

They kiss each other on the ellipsis and whisper to each other, "I love you, noun forever."

Throughout their marriage, their structure is perfectly parallel and their verbs never disagree with their subjects.

After many a linking verve, comma splice and interjection, they conceive the perfect parent thesis. Then come some missing periods and powerful contractions, and into the world is born their beautiful little boy.

They know it is a boy because of its dangling participle.

 

oddly close to home, mum's name is Vowels.

 

My brain is hurting again. Need....more....bourbon....

 

Ralph & Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'

 

A man took his grandson fishing. While out in the boat, the man took out a cigar, lit it, and started smoking, obviously enjoying the smoke.
The grandson asked "Grampa, can I have a cigar?" Grandpa replied "Well, can you touch your ***** to your butt hole?" "Well, no". replied the boy. "Then you are too young for cigars", said the Grandpa.

The next day, they went fishing again. This time, the grandfather popped a beer, and sipped it with a big old smile on his face. "Can I have some beer?" the boy asked. "Well, can you touch your ***** to your butthole?" replied the grandfather. "No" said the boy. "Then you are too young to have beer" said the grandfather.

The next day they went fishing again, and before they left the boy's grandmother handed him a lunch bag. While out in the boat, the boy looked in the bag and saw some delicious chocolate chip cookies, and proceeded to eat one. "Can I have a cookie?" asked the grandfather. "Well," said the boy, "can you touch your ***** to your butt hole?" asked the boy. The grandfather, thinking he had one up on the boy, said "Yes I can!" "Good" said the boy, "then go f$%k yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me!"

 

quoted by philsweet:
"oddly close to home, mum's name is Vowels."

So was Cristóbal's. It was Colón.

Vowels/Colon.

 

Drafting Guys Over 60

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to
join the military. They've got the whole thing ***-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take
us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't
sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe
letting us kill some a__hole that desperately deserves it
will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..

An 18-year-old doesn't even liketo get up before 10am. Old guys
always get up early to pee, so what the h... Besides, like I
said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may
as well be up killing some fanatical S O B.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where
we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting
screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also
developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them
for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the
screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope
hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've
never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The
last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know
that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

 

Every Morning little billy goes out with his mother to help her in the flower garden, It was a good mother/son bonding time they both really enjoyed, until....

On morning the old bow legged cowboy came walking up the street, Little Billy noticed the cowboy and was intrigued so he tugged on his mom sleeve to get her attention, "Yes Billy?" she asked, Billy pointed up the street at the cowboy coming their way and said "Why, Look at that bold legged sum' b_tch walking up the street" Well Billy's Mom was aghast and told him that she never wanted to hear that language come out of his mouth again. Well, the next day same thing, and each day after that. it seemed Billy was just obsessed with calling the old cowboy a Bold legged Sum' b_tch.

At her wits end, not knowing how to get Billy to stop this vile talk and greatly concerned that her turn to have the ladies from the garden club over was coming up in a few weeks she asked her friend for advice. After all, it would be most embarrassing to have Billy talking that way in front of her friends. Her friend suggested she get him involved in an activity to get his mind focused on something other than the old cowboy that walked by each day. In fact, "her friend said" the local youth club is putting on a Shakespere play, maybe billy could get a part. Sure enough Billy got a part and really seemed to enjoy being "in character". The play came and went and Billy's mother was happy it was over because it had taken away their morning bonding time though happy she had not had to hear her young son cussing each morning. The first day back however was the day of her Garden Club get together and she was a bit nervous not knowing what would happen when that old cowboy walked by.

Well Billy's mother and all her friends got together in the garden that morning for Tea and Cookies and Garden Gossip. On Schedule the old cowboy came walking up the street. He had just about passed and Billy's mother was starting to breathe easier thinking the plan had worked and Billy had forgotten all about the Old Cowboy when...

Billy, Beaming with a Smile, reaches up and tugs on his mothers shirt sleeve proudly and in character announcing in front of all the garden club ladies "Fair Wench, What manner of men are these that walk with their Balls in parentheses?" Billy's Mom Fainted

 

The bat arrives back in his colony with his snout covered in blood.
Very excited the other bats swarm around him wanting to know where he got it
Come I'll show you he said and the whole swarm followed him out.
He stops in front of a big tree
'Do you see this tree ?'
YES YES YES ! shouts the bats very excited
Well, he says, I didn't see it.

 

Very funny, Fanie. I think I am going to call the new boat "Fishy Boxier Cat" in honor of you. It will be 10 feet long and 6 feet wide when unfolded.