Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side´s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage, and slowly waddled over toward Osama´s dog. Osama´s dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama´s dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don´t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That´s nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson´s plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

 

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!


"Heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm.

"yes".

Caann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff".

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

 

A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend.
What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.
The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied sheepishly.
The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.

 

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service On TV. The Evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go To their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the
other hand on The body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and Slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her Left Hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her great pain.
Then Grandpa (Oom Frikie) got up, went to the TV and placed his Right hand on the set and his left hand on his private part.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it, do you??!!
The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick,
"NOT To raise the dead"!!!!

 

It's 3am, and a man is driving his brand new BMW M3 down the N2 at
240km/h.

He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the
road, on its roof with flames all around.

There's no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, and
so he stops his car. Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car,
but she's bleeding to death.

The guy reckons 'screw it' and rushes to fetch a blanket from the car.
He wraps the woman in the blanket and puts her on the back seat of his
M3.

He then rushes her to the hospital.

For six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day
and every night. He donates his blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she
recovers fully, and they get married.

Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides
to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy
wife.

She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, and
reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he
stops her before she reaches the door and asks, 'What are you doing?'

'I'm leaving you,' she says.

Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are
for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere.'

Fine,' she says, and throws the keys at him.

And those bulging suitcases?' The clothes you're wearing? Everything,
I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking
them anywhere'

Fine,' she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down
completely and throws her clothes at him too.

'And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the
hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going
anywhere.'

She looks at him, whips out her tampon and, throwing it at him says,
'I'll pay you back in monthly installments, here's the first.'

 

*Two men walk into a pet shop and go over to the bird section.*

*Sonnyboy says to Umfan, "Dat's dem." The clerk asks if he can help them.*

*"Yebo, we take four of dose beds in dat cage lapa side," says Umfan.*

*Put beds in a pepa bag pleez, baas!"*

*The two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into
Sonnyboy's van and drive until they are high up on the hill and stop at the
top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. Sonnyboy takes the birds out of
the bag, places 2 on each of his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Umfan
watches as Sonnyboy goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a
'SPLAT'.*

*As Umfan looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"Haibo, dis budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me."*

*A minute later, Philemon arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and
carries the familiar 'pepa bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag and is
carrying a gun in his other hand.*

*"Heita, Umfan. Watch dis." Philemon says, and launches himself over the
edge of the cliff.*

*Umfan watches as half way down, Philemon takes the gun, blows the parrot's
head off and continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins
Sonnyboy's remains at the bottom.*

*Umfan shakes his head and says, "Eish baba, me is never tryin' dat
parrotshooting nider."*

*After a few minutes, Goodman strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop
and is carrying the familiar 'pepa bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a
chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the same
result.*

*Once more Umfan shakes his head.*

*"Hauw! First der was Sonnyboy wit his budgie-jumping, den Philemon
parrotshooting and now Goodman hen-gliding!*

 

1. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

2. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 kilos.

4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

5. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
Marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
Of driving.

13. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mum.

18. How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

19. How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

20. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.

22. Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.

24. What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"

26. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded >
Baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

30. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

 

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her
scream non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made
her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all
over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with
the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long
hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" ...

The Indian: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

 

What is the difference between a STRIPTEASE ARTIST and TRIPEASE ARTIST
a TRIPEASE ARTIST has a cunning stunt.

What's the difference between a Stock Broker and a Pigeon?
A pigeon can still put a deposit down on a Ferrari

 

A cowboy sits at the bar sipping his beer when he gets approached by a stranger.

" What do you do " the stranger asks.

" I am a cowboy ma'm " the cowboy replies.

" How do you know for sure?"

"Well ma'm I wear a stetson and cowboy boots and i think about hunting, tending my livestock, and injuns all day long so I guess I'm a cowboy"

The stranger gets up and leaves

A few moments later a beautifull blond sits down next to the cowboy.

" Well howdy ma'm what do you do?" the cowboy asks

"Well I fantasize about nude woman and about new and interesting ways to pleasure them all day long - so I must be a lesbian" she replies as she gets up to leave.

Wide eyed the cowboy downs his drink. As he gets up to leave a young boy walks up to him and asks " Are you a cowboy sir?"

"Well I thought I was, but I just found out Im a lesbian"

 

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of
the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.


His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'


The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

 

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese

businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men explains,

"Can't you see? We are all velly, velly hungry"

The waitress asks, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"

One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say, First Come, first served!"

 

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,
where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when
she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
Family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi Grandma,
you're looking good!
How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew......

'******** won't let me fart.'

 

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'