Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Why you need education in a country.
No wonder the foreigners think we abuse the poor uneducated people in SA !
It's not what you think.
Eh eh eh No serias.
It should have been 'pennies'...

 

u sure? The statement is a lot more powerful the way they wrote it ...

 

Sure, but it doesn't make us look so good !
After 17 years in pawa (power) and nothig has changed for the better. We are being accused of the same things as 17 years ago, and no perks.

 

Same here only 30 years now i guess ... Ironic aint it ?

 

No, you're missing the point Vulkyn: Fanie means they shouldn't have to chose!

 

hmmm i am indeed missing the point ... :S :S

 

A husband was throwing knives at his wife's photo, while his wife was on holiday.
But none of the knives were hitting the wife's photo!
Suddenly wife calls up, "Hi honey, what are you doing?

"Husband replied, "I'm MISSING you!"

 

I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving.

 

Horrifying Sights


What is that?

Scroll down for the horrifying answer

 

Weird ! I just made this post and it never came up

Hello Brian, obviously a cow licked him


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor
standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you
get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said I would like to come back as a cow.
I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes

 

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

 

My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this20time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house,=2 0quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap™.
That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started.....


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly..
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started......


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

 

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,

Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous,simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued.

'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'

 

Alerts To Terror Threats In 2011 Europe

This just in . . .

The French
government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English
are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re- categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots
have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the ********." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy
has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans
have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

The Belgians
on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish
are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

preacher: Johnny, are you scared of meeting the devil one day when you die?

johnny: No, but you should be! It's not ME BADMOUTHING HIM ALL THE TIME !