Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

This was sooo funny!

 

there was a german italian and philamon on death row.
The warden offered them 3ways to die, being shot by a firing squad, hanging or the slow death of being injected with HIV AIDS.

german took the firing squad...BAM BAM BAM BAM ..... dead

italian took hanging by the noose, snap....dead

philamon decided to get HIV AIDS injection, but upon asking this he was giggling, 1st injection he took, he fell on the floor laughing. to the warden and guards surprise he asked for another, and another laughing histerically. finally the warden asked, what are you laughing at? whats so funny?

philamon replied..... ha ha ha, eish, u guys are stupid....im wearing a CONDOM

 

Fanie this Philamon gentleman who shows up in many of your posts; is he related to Phil Masinga? Or is it a biblical reference? Your deep respect and admiration for whoever it is is apparent ...

 

Hi Ancient, what name would you have me substitute there instead ?

 

Please don't substitute! It's already perfect. But I don't know why.


- seeking post-retirement education

Ancient

 

If you have eaten something bad and you need to bring it up,
Place one finger in your mouth and the other in your butt,
If it doesn't work then exchange fingers


LOL, I just know Frosty is going to like this one

 

They say marraige is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning you only need two hearts and a diamond.
Towards the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

 

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.

The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Rolls Royce, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Mercedes Benz, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Ford we don't p#ss on our hands."

 

Barack Obama was sitting in his office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.


"Howzit, Barack!" a voice in broken English said. "This is Koos Vannermerwe here from the Doringboom Bar in Welkom , South Africa . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you, boet!"


"Well, Koos," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"


"Right now," said Koos, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,
my cousin Jan, my next-door neighbour Lang Hannes, and the entire darts
team from the pub. That makes eight of us!"


Barack paused. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."


"Blikkiesfontein!" said Koos. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Koos called again.
"Barack, my china, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some
infantry equipment!"


"And what equipment would that be, Koos?" Barack asked.


"Well, we have four Hilux double-cabs, two kombis, an old Case bulldozer, and Vet Gert's John Deere tractor".


Barack sighed. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1,5
million since we last spoke."


"Liewe erdvark!" said Koos. "I'll have to get back to you..."
Sure enough, Koos rang again the next day.
"Barack, ou swaer, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves
airborne! We've modified Doepie's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns
in the cockpit, and four okes from the Virginia fishing club have joined
us as well!"


Barack was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Koos, I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"


"Slaat my dood!", said Koos, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Koos called again the next day. "Jis, jis, jis, Barack! I am
sorry to tell you that we've had to call off the war."


"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"


"Well," said Koos, "we've all had a long chat over some klippies and
coke, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of
war!"

 

Pretty lame one... but someone will like it

The penguin takes his car to the mechanic for a service. the mechanic says he will have a look and tell him what's wrong in about an hour.

the penguin decides to take a walk and comes across a guy selling ice cream. he buys a cone and starts eating it and gets some ice cream on his beak. after he is done, he walks back to the mechanic shop.

the mechanic comes out and says to the penguin, 'it looks like you blew a seal'

'no, no' says the penguin, 'i just had some ice cream'

 

Assume is short you are making an *** out of U and ME.

 

A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer. The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meat balls.

When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires. "That is the special" replies the waiter. "Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bull fight. It is exquisite!" "That's what I'll have!", says the businessman. "I'm very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day". Disappointed, the man orders another dish and plans to try again the next day. So again, the next day he goes to the bull fights, and afterwards stops into the dive. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the "special" to another customer who was there before him.

"Damn!" he says to himself. "And tomorrow's my last day here." So the next day, he skips the bull fight, and stands in line at the cafe. He is the first one seated, and proudly proclaims, "I'll have the special !" "Very well, senor!" responds the waiter. Soon afterwards, the waiter brings out his dish, but the meat balls are disappointingly small. Very small, as a matter of fact.

"What's with this!" the now angry man shouts. "I'm very sorry, senor" said the waiter, "but the bull does not always lose!"

 

A group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a
bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I
have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......

 

Some Chuck Norris facts...

Chuck Norris doesn't need twitter, he's already following you.

Chuck Norris bit the Apple logo.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

Yoda used to be 6 feet tall till he tried that Force crap on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer (on his studio nogal…)

Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke... that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it

Everybody tries to be perfect... Perfection tries to be Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris was asked if he believed that the world was going to end in 2012 he resonded: "Depends how I'm feeling that day."

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience

Chuck Norris can single handedly surround his victims.

When Chuck Norris looks at himself at a mirror, there is no reflection. There can only be one Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris was supposed to star in the tv show 'Man vs Wild', but the network did not want kids thinking 'lava is safe to eat'.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a GPS. Chuck Norris decides where he is.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies... As The Force.

Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest

Chuck Norris was born on February 30th.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.

Only Chuck Norris can dislike on Facebook

The sheep on Chuck Norris' farm are the ones that give us steel wool.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang it doesn't dare come back

Chuck Norris does not fart, nothing escapes Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird

Chuck Norris kicked planet earth, and it hasn't stopped spinning to this day.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is the element of surprise

Unstoppable force meeting an immovable object? Chuck Norris clapping.

Some kids pee their name in snow. Chuck Norris pees his name in concrete.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can leave a message before the beep.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can use Mxit on a pay phone.

 

Go to Google, type: "find Chuck Norris" and click on 'I'm feeling lucky'......