Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Who's a pin-head? Certainly not our president!

 

Americans call that big thing which sticks out the floor with a knobby end "stick shift".

 

Codom Commercial

One you won't see during the Super Bowl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzkE5VgTEYM

 

Fanie: I don't see any pyramids in your pictures Vulkyn ? I thought all you guys live in pyramids

Vulkyn: We had to leave the pyramids, it was getting crowded ...

Fanie: But they have such secure walls...

Vulkyn: yes but that doesn't do squat when you need to take a dump

Fanie: You should get to the top in society !

Ancient Kayaker: In a pyramid there is very little room at the top ...

Captbill: Not much dancing room either....

Vulkyn: If you rise to high on a pyramid, your only gona get yourself impaled on the top !

Ancient Kayaker: how many presidents can dance on the head of a pin?

Vulkyn: Apparently none !

Sphinx: well that one got the point!

 

lol nice one

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8VBQioFH44

 

well, 31 in this case.........

 

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day,
they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their
first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came round, he and his pal Mick took a
boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat ……
....and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross
the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,

"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were
all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in
August"

 

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening." Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!" "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No... I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders...

 

Tom, in deep thought, is very quiet.

Jerry asks, " What is wrong with you, Tom? "
" Please don't ask. "

" I'm your best friend. You can talk to me. "
" My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant. "
" That's not possible. "

" No, he did. "
" How? "

" He punctured my condoms! "

 

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. Insert one in your back passage every night, and come back and see me in a week.

A week later the man comes into the doc's office. "So how did it go?" Asks the doc. "Well, I put one o' them things in me back passage the way you said, and for all the good it did I could have stuck it up me arse."

 

Somebody said that it couldn't be done--
But he, with a grin, replied,
He'd never be one to say it couldn't be done--
Leastways, not 'til he'd tried.
So he buckled right in, with a trace of a grin,
By golly, he went right to it!
He tackled The Thing That Couldn't Be Done!
And he couldn't do it.

 

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

 

An English ventriloquist is visiting Wales. He walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda & patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Taff.

'Good day, do you mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English *******.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Taff: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Taff: (look of utter disbelief).

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Taff: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'.

Taff: (absolutely dumbfounded).

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager).

Horse: 'Yep'.

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly.
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Taff: (total look of amazement).

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Taff: (in a panic) 'That sheep is a bloody liar……'





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Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away/

Q: Why do Irishmen wear kilts?
A: Because a Scotsman can hear a zipper two miles away.

Q: If all the hot women work at hooters, where do the one-legged women work?
A: IHOP