Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

I thought saved by the bell was a term used by those when the wife wants you to do some myserable chore at home then the phone rings...

 

Or there's the bell that rings at railroad crossings when a train is approaching - in case you're deaf

 

"in case you're deaf" - What?

 

In case you're deaf - you idiot

 

What did the psychiatrist say to the patient wearing only saran wrap underwear?

I can clearly see your nuts.

 

Scuttlebutt

"Means a container with a small hole containing fresh water for a days use aboard a ship.

It is the practice of the sailors to congregate about the water cask and exchange gossip. Nowadays, it is replaced by a water cooler with still the employees gathering around to socialize and exchange gossip."

 

And he always thought the patient was only crazy.

 

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him of the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me..."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault, today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years..."

 

As a friend of mine said a long while ago - I'm sure God will forgive the many small jokes I played on Him, since I've forgiven the one big joke that He played on me ...

 

"Captain, how often does a little ship like this sink?"



"Usually just once."


-The Gismo 1944-

 

South Africa's president Zuma is on a visit to England and have an audience with the queen. After some chit chat Zuma asked the queen how she surround herself with such an efficient government and people to get the job done.

Easy the queen said and send for Tony Blair and said to Zuma to observe closely.
Bliar arrived promptly and the queen asked him; "Tony, your parents have a child, its not your sister or brother, who is it?"

Without hesitation Blair answered; "of course it is me your majesty"

With that the queen excused Blair and said to Zuma; "now you know how I do it, go and get your pathetic goverment in order"

Zuma arrived home and anxious to test his new found intelligence, summoned his side kick and jester of the country, Julius Malema to him and asked Julius.

"Comrade Julius, your parents has a child, its not your sister nor your brother, who is it.?" Flabbergaster poor Julius said he does not know and Zuma ordered him to go find out and when he has the answer to report back immediately.

Julius jumped on the net, facebook, wiki etc and still failing to find the answer, he took to the streets in despair and still fails to find the answer from his comrades, just so happened to bump into the veteran comedian Al Debbo who also happens to be white.
What the heck thought Julius, let me swallow my pride and ask this whitey and he repeat the question to which Al Debbo responds immediately,"its me"

Enlighten with this powerful information old Julius is of to president Zuma and cried out in delight;

"Comrade president Zuma, I got the answer to your question"

"and who is it ask zuma, delighted he has someone with some savvy in his ANC"

"Al Debbo" replied a proud Julius Malema.

Zuma called him closer and give him a hell of a smack on the kisser and said;

"You bloody stupid agent, it is Tony Blair"

 

Mary is a middle aged woman, she is in the middle of her sexual prime and yet she still cannot get a date. For some reason men just do not want to go out with her. The only reason she can figure is it must be some hormonal imbalance or something.

So she talks to her friends about it and she tells her of a Chinese doctor named Dr. Wong. Mary takes her friends advice and does go to see Dr.Wong.

While in the office she tells Dr.Wong her problem and he tells her to strip and bend over grabbing her ankles. So Mary does.

Dr.Wong checks her over and tells her, "You have Zachally Syndrome!"

"Oh, my god, what does that mean doctor?"

"Youll *** rook Zachally like you face!"

 

The Ambidextrous Golfer

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One
got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round.. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.

The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."


She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."


The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.


The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.


Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."


The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

 

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood !

 

Fanie: I don't see any pyramids in your pictures Vulkyn ? I thought all you guys live in pyramids

Vulkyn: We had to leave the pyramids, it was getting crowded ...

I do have a sense of humor Fanie, its just that it eludes me around 99% of the time