Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Little boy was crying outside a pub brawl his father was involved, the copper asked which ones your dad, and he replied thats what they are trying to sort out.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KY5ArW3Ncfo&feature=channel

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jd4tugPM83c&feature=related

by doc wei...

 

What's the capital of Ireland?

About 20 euros.

 

I wonder if that stuff will work on my dog ...

 

Whew! What a relief! Did you hear they finally translated the last pictograph on the Mayan calendar that ends in 2012?

"continued in Vol. II"

 

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom

Bob Hope
___________

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends

Benjamin Franklin
___________

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla

Jim Bishop
_________

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue

Dilbert
___________

And my favourite...

Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands - and all you can do is scratch it

Sir Thomas Beecham, To a cellist

 

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through".

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power went off. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice, that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied
"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"

 

One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the irish priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the irish priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the irish priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The irish priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the irish priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,

"And that my lord is the case for the Defense....... "

 

Ringo Starr was in the movie Magic Christian with Raquel Welch. There was a scene or two on a Galley (Boat content) where the rowing benches were filled with topless women.

When asked what it was like working with so many topless women, Ringo replied "Topless? They told me they was wearing water wings!"

 

You should have posted these in Our Favorite Quotes.

 

Gps To Be Replaced With The Tpns

GPS TO BE REPLACED WITH THE TPNS
~ TWO POINT NAVIGATION SYSTEM ~​

You can now throw away your GPS, radar or magnetic compass.

Getting to where you want to go can now be achieved by using the new "Two Point Navigation System (TPNS)".

TPNS does not require satellites or any power source and looks attractive on any vessel.

Fittingly TPNS is more than twice the fun, as it can be mounted anywhere.






Join the growing band of happy navigators that find so much relief and satisfaction in using the Two Point Navigation System.

 

I went to Bangkok for a testicle operation.

The nurse cupped my balls;
She said "don't worry, its normal to get an ******** when doing this".

I said "I haven't got an ********";

She replied, "I have"!

 

Two friends had gone for a girls' night out

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers..

More than a little drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery...

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that
said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'

 

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:

'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,

'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll pe rsonally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,

'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence..

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, '**** him'.