Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Nice joke RHP

Some one should put Richards post on wiki

 

Nice one, thanks.

 

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

- Louis Grizzard

 

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by
feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by
the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat
anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves to the bees enclosure to collect honey from the South African bees.
As soon as he starts, the bees attack him. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion’s cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
This lion wanders up to another lion and says 'What's the food like here?'

The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.
++

Lets see you beat that one !

 

If WW-II were played online:

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got crap to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bull**** u ***s im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin
army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bull**** u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy
soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right biznitch im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh **** help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: eisenhower hax hes killing all my ****
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun ****socker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a *****
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this **** im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: **** now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoylshti!!!111
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me
for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all ***s
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*



paTTon: o ****!
*paTTon has left the game.*

 

Stalinist.

 

Some Country and Western song titles

Bridge Washed Out, I Can't Swim and My Baby's on the Other Side
C'mon Down off the Stove, Granny, You're Too Old to Ride the Range
Does My Ring Hurt Your Finger (When You Go Out at Night)
Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' On Your Mind
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns Back In The Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind
Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
How Can A Whiskey That's 6 Years Old Whup A Man That's 33?
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
How Can a Whiskey Six Years Old Whip a Man That's 32?
I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine
I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, ...
... But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
I Kissed Her on the Lips, And Left Her Behind for You
I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of Yew
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Married a Moonshiner's Daughter and Now She Makes Me Likker
I Married a Moonshiner's Daughter and Oh, How I Love Her Still
I Meant Every Word That He Said
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
I Think I'll Drink Myself Into the Past
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I Wouldn't Take You To A Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him
I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue
I'm Gonna Build Me a Bar in the Back of My Car and Drive Myself to Drink
I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home
I'm Havin' Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon
I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
I'm Not Married But The Wife Is
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
I've Been Limping Through the Cornfield since I Fell for You.
I've Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral
I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat
I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time
I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back In My Bed ...
I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
I've Got You on My Conscience But At Least You're Off My Back
I've Got a Funny Feeling (I Won't Be Feeling Funny Very Long)
I've Never Seen a Straight Banana
If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me, Her Memory Will
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
If I Had To Do It All Over Again, Babe, I'd Do It All Over You
If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight?
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love
If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long
If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure
If You Can Live With It (I Can Live Without It)
If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)
If You Don't Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife
If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Keep Checking Up on Me (I'm Checking Out on You)
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad
It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me
It Don't Hurt Half as Bad as Holding You Feels Good
It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long
Jesus Is a Good Ole Boy
Lay Back Down and Love Me and Leave the Leavin' for Later On
Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me
Let Me Love the Leavin' from Your Mind
Love Will Beat Your Brains Out
Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, ...
... While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
My Legs Won't Walk Away From You
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Nervous Breakdown
Now I lay Me Down To Cheat
Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, ...
... But Baby I Can See Through You
Oh, Lord! It's Hard To Be Humble When You're Perfect In Every Way
Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed
Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
Pardon My Southern Movements, Miss Lou (?)
Please Bypass This Heart
She Can't Get My Love off the Bed
She Even Woke Me Up to Say Goodbye
She Feels Like A New Man Tonight
She Gave Her Heart to Jethro and Her Body to the Whole Danged World
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
She Was Bred in Old Kentucky, But She's Just a Crumb Out Here
She Was Only a Cattleman's Daughter, But All the Horsemen Knew 'Er.
She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without
(or You're Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without)
Sleeping Single in a Double Bed
Somebody Must Have Loved You Right Last Night
Somebody Shoot Out the Jukebox
Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love
Take Me to Heaven (Before You Take Me Home)
Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me"
The Pint of No Return
The Wife of the Party
The Worst You Ever Gave Me Was the Best I Ever Had
There Ain't No Waste In My Baby's Love Canal
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out ...
This Time I'm Gonna Beat You to the Truck
Timber, I'm Falling in Love
Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
We Used to Just Kiss on the Lips But Now It's All Over
What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me)
What's a Fool Like Me Doing In a Love Like This
When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)
When We Were Down to Nothin' (Nothin' Sure Looked Good on You)
When You Leave, Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In ...
(or Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In)
Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?
Who's Taking Care of the Caretaker's Daughter ...
... (While the Caretaker's Busy Taking Care)?
Would Jesus Wear A Rolex on His Television Show?
You Blacked My Blue Eyes Once Too Often
You Can Tell the Man Who Boozes (By the Company He Chooses)
You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
You Done Stomped on My Heart (and Smashed That Sucker Flat) ...
(or You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat)
You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
You Won't Be Back But George and Jack Will Help Me Make It Through The Night
You'd Make an Angel Want to Cheat
You're Ruining My Bad Reputation
You're the First Time I Thought About Leaving
You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Your Negligee Has Turned to Flannel Nightgowns

 

Here are a few strange words and phrases from:

The Canting Academy; or, Villanies Discovered:
2nd ed. F.Leach, London.

Lexicon Balatronicum,
"A Dictionary of Buckish Slang, University Wit and
Pickpocket Eloquence",
Compiled originally by Captain Grose,
London 1811.

and

The Scoundrels Dictionary; or, an Explanation
of the Cant Words use by Thieves, Housebreakers, Street Robbers,
and Pickpockets about Town.
Brownnell, London, 1754.

I have included the original meanings, punctuation and asterisks.
Some are very weird.

Barrel Fever: He died of barrel fever; he killed himself by drinking.

Black Spice Racket: To rob chimney sweeps of their soot and bag.

To box the Jesuit and get cockroaches: A sea term for
************; a crime, it is said, much practised by the
reverend fathers of that society.


Bung your eye: Drink a dram; strictly speaking, to drink till
one's eye is bunged up or closed.

Chalkers: Men of wit, in Ireland, who in the night amuse
themselves by cutting inoffensive passengers across the face
with a knife.

Deadly Nevergreen: that bears fruit all year round. The gallows.

Feague: To feague a horse; to put ginger up a horse's
fundament, and formerly, as it is said, a live eel, to make
him lively and carry his tail well.

Green sickness: The disease of maids occasioned by celibacy.

Kill Devil: New still-burnt rum.

Lazybones: An instrument like a pair of tongs, for old or very
fat people to take anything from the ground without stooping.

Mumble a Sparrow: A cruel sport practised at wakes and fairs,
in the following manner: A cock sparrow whose wings are clipped,
is put into the crown of a hat; a man having his arms tied
behind him, attempts to bite off the sparrow's head, but is
genrally obliged to desist, by the many pecks and pinches he
receives from the enraged bird.

Nickumpoop, Nincumpoop: A foolish fellow; also one who
never saw his wife's ****.

Short-heeled Wench: A girl apt to fall on her back.

Tenant at Will: One whose wife usually fetches him from the alehouse.

Vice Admiral of the Narrow Seas: A drunken man that pisses
under the table into his companion's shoes.

 

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”

 

Tim O'Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back.

Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.

Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn't believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog's wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.

Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do.

Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it's owner. Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said;

"Why that's great, mister!
But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?"

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

There is an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman driving through the desert. They are driving along at quite a rate when the fan belt snaps. "Fanbelt's gone lads, we'll have to abandon the jeep." says the Scotsman turns to the others and goes, "Right on guys take one thing that will be of use." The englishman opens up the bonnet and rips out the radiator. The scotsman turns around and says, "What you gonna do with that?" "It's still got a bit of water in it, I can use it as a canteen." Says the Englishman "Good thinkin," says the Scotsman removing the hood. "What use is that?" says the Englishman. "You know I burn easily, It'll keep the sun off." "Good point." The two turn round to ask the Irishman what he's taking. They are both shocked to find the Irishman breaking his back trying to tear the passenger's door off. "Paddy? What the hell you gonna do with that?" they ask. "Well, when I get too hot I can wind the window down."

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "...Where ya callin' from?"

 

Paddy Murphy ran a stop sign, and clipped a car being driven by a priest. They got out of their vehicles and Paddy asked, "are you all right, Father?"

The priest said, "I'm fine, son; just a little shaken," and Paddy said, "I've an unopened bottle of Jameson's in my car, Father; how about a nip to calm your nerves?"

"Why, thank you. Perhaps just a taste," the priest said. So Paddy dug out the bottle, the priest took a healthy swig, and Paddy told him, "have another, Father; there's plenty."

After a few more good belts, the Priest said, "oh dear, I'm losing my manners. Here, it's your whiskey after all; don't you want some of it?"

And Paddy said, "no thank you, Father; go ahead and finish it. I'll just stand here and wait for the police to arrive...."

 

Introducing...........Gallagher!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWN9rTc08GU