Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. troy2000
    Joined: Nov 2009
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    Location: California

    troy2000 Senior Member

    OK, I had to take a break after the second one. Obviously I'm not at work....
     
  2. Landlubber
    Joined: Jun 2007
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    Location: Brisbane

    Landlubber Senior Member

    ...wow , that is a loooooooong list, never seen one like it.....we have a GG race here today, so I came home early to do some work in the shed......no one at work anyhow...
     
  3. sailingmonica
    Joined: Oct 2009
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    Location: Toronto, Canada

    sailingmonica Junior Member


    Guilty as charged:D

    Hi, Richard.
     
  4. apex1

    apex1 Guest

    That really is a long one, yes. It was impossible to post it in one go, the server did not accept it.

    Did you go through the entire Alphabet John?:D


    Hi Monica!
    Sorry you are not mentioned under "M"........
     
  5. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Geeeez Richard, your hands must be numb after all that typing :D
     
  6. apex1

    apex1 Guest

    Nahh, but did cost me months of course.....
     
  7. mark775

    mark775 Guest

    My favorites:

    Boat ownership:
    Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills

    Knot:
    Connection between two or more ropes... having the property that the link cannot be parted or broken in any way other than severing it with a knife, except if it is subjected to steady stress in the course of normal use.

    Scupper:
    1) Meal after lunch.
    2) Place where you eat dinner.

    Xebec:
    Small three masted mediterranean sailing vessel or a useful word in Scrabble.

    I am playing scrabble now! Any takers? I am "Rocksalmon" on ISC, http://www.isc.ro/. I just play three minute games but will make an exception for one here if you prefer longer.
     
  8. Landlubber
    Joined: Jun 2007
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    Location: Brisbane

    Landlubber Senior Member

    Apex,
    ....unfortunately, yes, I have read it......so much time eh....

    Richard:
    ME

    ...we have a comment here.."had the Richard...means it is buggered"

    .....not nice eh when it is your name....

    ...hey I am only a Landlubber cos I cannot afford a new boat anymore, not by desire.


    ...I can't believe that you have worked out all those "meanings"...very clever.
     
  9. apex1

    apex1 Guest

    No I have copied much of it.

    So you did find the "R" but obviously not the "L".............:D
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2010
  10. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    So many jokes, so little time ...
     
  11. Landlubber
    Joined: Jun 2007
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    Location: Brisbane

    Landlubber Senior Member

    ...saw that mate.......hey I am only a Landlubber cos I cannot afford a new boat anymore, not by desire.....comment of that post.

    ....thanks mate.
     
  12. RHP
    Joined: Nov 2005
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    Location: Singapore

    RHP Senior Member

    Education.

    A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going. “I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.” The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”




    “My wife”, comes the reply
     
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  13. MikeJohns
    Joined: Aug 2004
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    Location: Australia

    MikeJohns Senior Member

    Vang:
    Name of German sea dog. (fang!)

    Thanks to the irascible old sea dog who compiled that list :)
    I've just spent too long browsing through it and I do have work to do !

    This is what happens when you check your email after sitting down at the PC.


    Great Joke from RHP too.

    Laughter is a great way to start the day.
     
    1 person likes this.
  14. apex1

    apex1 Guest

    A few formerly missing .....


    Command:
    Blight-ish term, means Master has a question

    Docking:
    Same as Mutiny

    Mutiny:
    Masters command causes crew to start discussions

    Harbourmaster:
    1). Best sailor in port and a specialist in docking
    2). Best whitness to confirm the size of your boat (always 5ft longer than the yard says)

    Tiller:
    Skippers "handle" but everyone touches it

    Mal de Mer:
    1st Phase, one believes to die (very bad)
    2nd Phase, one knows one does not die (much worse)

    Boots:
    Elastic watertanks sailors wear at their feet

    Spring:
    Too early for sailing

    Summer:
    Cold, wet, stormy season, winds from the wrong direction (perfect for sailing)

    Autumn:
    Too late for sailing

    Winter:
    Cold, wet, stormy season, winds from the right direction (not perfect for sailing)

    Roll Genoa:
    Bulky forestay, does not roll and is not from Genoa

    Navigation:
    Buying rolls, see also rolls

    Rolls:
    The best source of navigational information. Your real position is printed on the paper bag.

    Hurricane:
    Same as marriage, starts with a blow, and finally the house is gone

    Skipper:
    1). The crew member paying the marina fees and restaurant bills
    2). The entertainer moderating docking discussions
    3). The crew member to walk the dog (well, it is his dog)
    4). The crew member who repairs broken items (well, he knows them best)

    Shower:
    1). Landlubbers request
    2). The only dry space on board

    Head:
    1). Knucklehead, the skipper of a faster boat
    2). Bonehead, Harbourmaster estimating the LOA correct (see also Harbourmaster)
    3). Pighead, Skipper who insists on a given course
    4). Clogged

    Watch:
    Status symbol of the true experts in the local yachtclub. Most popular models:
    Royal Oak by Audemars Piguet
    Oyster by Rolex.............. (cheap in the backroads of Istanbul)
    Admirals Cup by Corum
    Seamaster by Omega
    You can smell the breeze of the ocean when you have one of them at your wrist! (that comes from the dead battery of the 2$ calibre inside)


    GPS:
    Generic partying system, drop anchor in a solitary bay and open a beer, within one hour you have 6 neighbouring boats

    Sinking:
    Fastest way towards solid ground

    Crew:
    People which were nice in the pub, later wondering what they have to do with your damn boat

    Liferaft:
    Not really, but can lengthen the pain

    Woman:
    Decorative part of the crew, too young, too blond, too silly, but a must have in the marina pub (cannot pee over the railing)

    Able seaman:
    Can pee over the railing (never part of the crew)

    Sailboat owner:
    Wealthy masochist, hates motorboat owners

    Motor boat owner:
    Wealthy sadist, commiserates with sail boat owners

    Motorsailors:
    Poor people, hate themselves, cannot sail, and cannot afford motoring

    Parking:
    Does not exist, is called ramming, sinking, scratching or docking, but IS parking

    Charts:
    Sheets of paper, show cryptic lines and symbols, useless when new. After 15 years on board a valuable aid to navigation (you then need only one), showing all the positions where you never have been, and the exact position where you are now! Your position is where the creases made the chart unreadable.


    Was too lazy to bring it in alphabetical order. Feel free to complete.

    Richard (irascible old sea dog) Wharff!
     
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  15. Landlubber
    Joined: Jun 2007
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    Location: Brisbane

    Landlubber Senior Member

    ...your "barque" is worse than your "bight"......
     
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