BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. Vulkyn
    Joined: Jun 2010
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    Location: Egypt

    Vulkyn Senior Member

    OK thats even worse ..... lol ..... equivalent of putting a 300 HP outboard on a kayak, blind folding yourself and deciding to take a trip around the world with a 1 liter bottle of water and 1 potato chip bag for rations ......
     
  2. brian eiland
    Joined: Jun 2002
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    Location: St Augustine Fl, Thailand

    brian eiland Senior Member

    Guns vs Women


    Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women


    And here we go...

    #10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

    #9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

    #8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

    #7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

    #6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

    #5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

    #4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

    #3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

    #2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.



    And the Number One reason
    Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

    #1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!
     

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  3. brian eiland
    Joined: Jun 2002
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    Location: St Augustine Fl, Thailand

    brian eiland Senior Member

    HOT AIR (ballonist)

    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
    She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.


    She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."
    "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

    The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

    "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

    "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are--- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are , due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.


    You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault
     
  4. RHP
    Joined: Nov 2005
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    Location: Singapore

    RHP Senior Member

    A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.


    He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just
    produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.


    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man
    just shrugs,


    "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical
    Highland baby boy.."


    Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,


    "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at
    birth, aren't you?


    Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how
    much does he weigh now?


    The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".


    The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened"?


    "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."


    The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on
    his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him
    circumcised".
     
  5. wardd
    Joined: Apr 2009
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    Location: usa

    wardd Senior Member

    a Scottish Sargent major walks into a pharmacists and takes a folded piece of paper out of his sporran unfolds it and takes out a condom and lays it on the counter and asks the pharmacist "how much for a new one"

    pharmacist " one pound ten"

    sergeant " how much to have it repaired"

    pharmacist " one pound"

    Sargent wrapping the condom back up " i'll be back"

    the next day the sergeant is back " the battalion wants this one repaired"
     
  6. Brent Swain
    Joined: Mar 2002
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    Location: British Columbia

    Brent Swain Member

    What I find extremely hilarious, is seeing PD Wiley spend months doing what he could have done in a few days, because someone told him "The hard way is the only proper way to do things.."
    Schadenfreude? Works for me!
     
  7. MikeJohns
    Joined: Aug 2004
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    Location: Australia

    MikeJohns Senior Member

    Sour grapes.
    Because PDW was going to build one of your foldups but dumped your idea for one of Tom Colvins 'designs', and explained to you just where you fell very very short.

    Lots of people have followed suit since the whole Brent Swain Origami cottage industry was exposed for the dishonesty so prevalent in it's marketing.

    Like the post you just made you try and target the ignorant and the gullible, and that's not funny at all and doesn't belong in this thread.
     
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  8. troy2000
    Joined: Nov 2009
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    Location: California

    troy2000 Senior Member

    You have no class at all, do you? You're tacky to the bone....:(
     
    2 people like this.
  9. brian eiland
    Joined: Jun 2002
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    Location: St Augustine Fl, Thailand

    brian eiland Senior Member

    Dr. Walmart

    One day, in line at the tug boat company's cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
    It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
    He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

    "Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.."






    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

    Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:
    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

    5. And If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

    "Thank you for shopping @ Walmart"
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    It's not the end of the World ...

    Just thought you would like to know: the World doesn't end on December 21, 2012 as "predicted" by the end of the Mayan calendar. It's just that the archiologists haven't found volume II yet.
     
  11. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    You have an ex ?
     

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  12. troy2000
    Joined: Nov 2009
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    Location: California

    troy2000 Senior Member

    A fire department in Tennessee recently did just that: watched a house burn down with all the owner's possessions (and his cats and dogs), because he hadn't paid the $75 annual fee they charge for coverage outside the town. They showed up, but only to wet down the neighbor's yard up to the fence line, to make sure his property didn't catch fire.

    I don't understand why they didn't just write a contract with the country for coverage, since there's no fire department. That way it could be covered by property taxes, instead of having to bill each and every county resident individually.
     
  13. wardd
    Joined: Apr 2009
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    Location: usa

    wardd Senior Member

    that would be letting government do it and we all know how inefficient government is, why houses would be burning down
     
  14. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    A Christian man and his wife were hoping to have a child, but they had been unsucessful for years. Since their local pastor was going to the Holy Land, they asked him to light a candle for them while he was there. Shortly afterwards the man got a really good job in Chicago so the couple moved there.

    About 10 years later the pastor was visiting Chicago and decided to visit his former parishioners to see how they were doing. The wife greeted him at the door, surrounded by their 5 children. The pastor was delighted that they had finally had a family, and enquired after her husband, and she explained that he was very well, but was visiting the Holy Land at that time.

    "How nice for him, I supposed he wants to give thanks for all your wonderful children" said the pastor.

    "Yes" she replied, "also he wants to blow out that damned candle"
     

  15. lewisboats
    Joined: Oct 2002
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    Location: Iowa

    lewisboats Obsessed Member

    THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

    Fresh from my shower, I was standing in front of the mirror complaining to
    my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
    telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
    suggestion.
    'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
    paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
    Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stand in
    front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
    'How long will this take?' I asked.
    'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
    stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
    breasts every day will make my breasts grow larger over the years?'

    Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your a$$, didn't it?'

    He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even
    walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
    straw. Stupid, stupid man.
     
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