Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

I left long enough to swipe another joke. :

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envolope, opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

``Port Left, Starboard Right''

 

Awesome

 

Keep an eye on her.

 

At least she hasn't got a nose for trouble.

 

come on hoy, you know you want to kiss her

 

Why did the pirate refuse to say, "Aye, Aye, Captain"? Because he's only got one eye.

 

What has 12 arms, 12 legs and 12 eyes? A dozen pirates.

 

love it!

 

A baby seal walks into a club.

 

A priest, a rabbi and a witch doctor walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, 'what is this, some kind of a joke?'

 

A baby seal walks into a bar and asks for a Canadian club on the rocks.

 

A ship is called "she" because there is always a great deal
of bustle about her; there is usually a gang of men about',
she has a waist and stays; it takes a lot of paint to keep
her looking good; it is not the initial expense that breaks
you, it is the upkeep; she can be all decked out; it
takes an experienced man to handle her correctly, and
without a man at the helm, she is absolutely uncontrollable.
She shows her topsides, hides her bottom and, when coming
into port, always heads for the buoys.

 

there once was a small town that had one poor lawyer, then one day another lawyer came to town and with in a year they were both rich

 

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed
him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back
to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said,
"He should have thought about that before he joined my church."






little johnny sitting on the pavement with a bottle of battery acid,as the ants come by he drops a bit of acid on the ants and then giggles at them bubbling up.
a short while later the local priest walks by and sees what johnny is up to and decides to put a stop to it

the priest says to johnny lets swop my bottle of holy water for your bottle of acid,johnny asks what can your water do?,well says the priest if i rub this holy water on a woman's tummy she will pass a baby nine months later!!

little johnny replies agg thats nothing if i rub some of this acid on a cats buttl he pass a porsche

 

Lady Gaga's meat dress...