Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

One thing that all humans did through out our bloody history, is find excuses for their atrocities, hate and anger.
The problem is not law, religion faith or anything its humans and when some one does an atrocity and labels its on religion its still is the PERSONS fault!

No matter the religion, country, faith etc... some one ,some where, at some time did something that will tarnish what he represented or the group he belonged too.
Its sound judgment to understand that.

So leave the hate to the hatters
... I am a lover ...

 

In class the professor asked who was the greatest lover in literature.
He was offered as examples Lothario, Don Juan and Casnova.
Then an Italian in the back raises his hand.
Yes? asked the professor.
Peepayleenay offered the Italian.
Peepayleenay? parroted the professor.

Yes, said the Italian. It says right here in the newspaper(holds up newspaper): "Pipeline(pronounced Peepayleenay laid across the entire state of New York!"

 

Drum rolls ....

 

come on be gentle with hoy, he tried

 

I guess you had to be there.

 

The same people that sent us Bobby Darin, Pat Boone, and Elvis Presley ... a group of idiots whose marketing surveys indicated that the audience wouldn't tolerate "black" music.

Have you ever heard the difference between Big Band songbooks being played before and after integration? It's stunning.

Lawrence Welk was nothing more than a roadblock. Well intentioned, I'm sure -- but nothing more than a roadblock to artistic progress.

I know that wasn't your question -- or your point. But the memory of Lawrence Welk sends chills up my spine and makes me want to vent.

He built a very nice resort in So. CA that I've visited several times -- and I'll admit that he did more for architecture than he ever did for music.

So, where's the humor in this?

Bobby Darin, Pat Boone, Elvis Presley, and Lawrence Welk.

 

If William Shatner had been an American, what would you have done with him?

Hmm ... I can see this turning into a polling thread to find which country would come up with the best answer. Here's some suggestions to start you off -

England: well chaps, we have November 5th when we burn Guy Fawkes in effigy.
Israel: we'd make him our next Prime Minister.
Egypt: nah, I'm not gonna spoil it; come on Vulkyn, dip an oar in!

 

don't operate a boat under the influence of right wing propaganda

 

For threehundred pages this was the jokes thread...............

...it would be nice if you would come back on topic and delete your political opinions and religious arguments.

Richard

 

x2. The last 3 pages belong in the "global warming" thread.

 

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman’s face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin…however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all,… this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.

She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!

He replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!

 

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.



Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.


"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

 

ROFL .................. freaking FUNNY thx Fanie that made me smile !

 

I scream.
You scream.
We all scream,
For ice cream.