Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, *****.

 

Koos and Japie from BOKSBURG were in Pretoria for the Currie Cup Final when they suddenly spotted this sign on a shop window:
Suits R20--00 each
Shirts R10--00 each (Two-Tone only)
Trousers R8--00 per pair

Koos says to his pal. "Hey Japie, check at that! Bliksem, we could buy a whole load of that clothes... then when we get back we could resell them and make us a moerse fortune!"

"Now listen boet, when we go into the shop you keep your big mouth shut, hey! Just you let me do all the talking plus wheeling and dealing stuff, because if they hear your BOKSBURG accent, they might try to rip us off. I'll be giving them my best Pretoria accent so they think we're
locals."

They go in and Koos says, "Excuse me sir, I'll take 50 of your finest suits at R20 each, plus 100 shirts at R10 each, and 50 pairs of your trousers at just R8 each. I will be paying in cash, and taking those items with me today, if you don't mind."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You guys is from BOKSBURG, isn't you?"

"Err....ja" says Koos, "how come you know?"

The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners!"

 

Van goes to a builders' supply shop and asks for 3,500,000 bricks.
"Sjoe! What are you building?" the guy at the till asks.
"A braai." (BBQ) replies Van.
"Three and a half million bricks for a braai. You sure about that?"

"Ja boet... My flat's on the 14th floor"

 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!", says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

 

Why are prisons called penal institutions? Because they are full of pricks.

 

the jet boat joke

Hi, yesterday i was driving and cant see the tuned station to record the artist
he told a joke about A JET BOAT OWNER, it was very funny to me, but i cant remember all the joke, so lets find it ,i hear it on XM

if you want to turn your friend´s in to human darts, PULL IT¡
IS THAT COOLER DOOR FLAT?, PULL IT¡

THINK´S LIKE THAT, ANY HELP TO POST IT HERE??? THANKS

 

Fanie van der Merwe was at his wits end – he was fired from the abattoir for being too insensitive & didn’t know where his next meal was coming from.

Then he saw an advert for professional wrestling, joined a gym & turned out to be an absolute natural at it.

He trained every day of the week & he was soon rewarded with the South African Heavy weight title, & a mere three month later with the Heavyweight Crown of the Western world! All that remained for him on his path to wealth & fame was to beat the Russian champion & be crowned WORLD CHAMPION!!

The night of the bout arrived, Fanie was first in the ring milking the applause, when the Russian arrived ringside. Fanie’s jaw dropped – this guy was seriously HUGE & mean-looking. Fanie’s trainer whispered to Fanie “I’ve been studying tapes of his past fights & he can’t move to his right – if you keep moving to your left, you’ll beat him!”

Sure enough, Fanie kept moving to his left & was winning the contest easily. Around the fifth round, Fanie thought to himself “This ou is going to catch on that I’m always moving left – I better move right for a change.”

He did, and the Russian caught him in a bear hug, slammed him to the floor, rolled him in a ball & landed on top of him. When Fanie came to, all he was able to do was three things – he could open his left eye, he could move his right pinkey, & he could open & close his mouth.

He opened his eye & saw this huge pair of testicles hanging in front of him. He used his pinkey to start them swinging, & when they got near his mouth he gave them an almighty bite.

Instant results – there was a blood-curdling scream & the Russian flew 20 feet into the air, hit the overhead lights & fell back to the canvas unconscious. The crowd went berserk & the ref helped Fanie to his feet to receive the World Champion Belt.

The press were in the ring & asked a still-groggy Fanie how he had achieved this Hurculean feat.

“Jis man it was easy – you won’t believe the strength you gets when you bites your OWN B@LLs!!”

 

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan
to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands
them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains
that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center
that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains
the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the
shows for which the hotel is famous.

'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las
Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,'
complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager
replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,
'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But
sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you
$300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here
and you could have.'

 

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go."

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in spanish.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".
I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

 

A mother and young son were flying Aer Lingus. The son, who had been looking out the plane's window, turned to his mother and said "Mom ... If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area. "Excuse me" the boy said to the stewardess. "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
"Yes" He said nodding his head.
She whispered in the boy's ear, "Tell your mother it's because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time."

 

Paisley died and went to heaven. When he got there he knocked long and hard on the pearly gates.
St.Peter came out and asked his name.

YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME ? I'M THE REV. IAN PAISLEY He roared at St. Peter. St. Peter looked at his list and could not find his name.
Sorry said St.Peter you're not on the list.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ON THE LIST??? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM? As a matter of fact I do, said St. Peter, but your name is not on the list, THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH I'M A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON MY NAME SHOULD BE ON THE LIST. St. Peter tried to explain that it's not easy to get into heaven, that you have to be a Catholic. When Paisley hears this he starts to complain. So St. Peter says that had he had been good to Catholics he would have some chance.

WELL, roared Paisley, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD TO CATHOLICS, WHY ONLY TWO WEEKS AGO I MET A YOUNG GIRL WHO HAD MADE HER COMMUNION AND I GAVE HER A POUND AND TWO WEEKS BEFORE I MET A YOUNG BOY WHO HAD MADE HIS COMMUNION AND I HAVE HIM A POUND, NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW MR. ST. PETER!

St. Peter took a few notes on what he said. He told Paisley to wait that he would have to go and talk to GOD and get some advice. About ten minutes later St. Peter come out and said to Paisley, HERE'S YOUR TWO POUNDS BACK, NOW F*** OFF!!

 

Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Irish Times on 2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, a gang of raiders' efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat," The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING!!

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "...Where ya callin' from?"

 

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.
"Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise The Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

 

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.