Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Maybe in Adam's day the ribs were in the @$$.

 

True story.

Plumber here gets called out to a drain problem. On arival the man hole was filled with ****, so they had to bucket it out before they can work.

So philamon got into the hole, scooped some in a bucket and passed the bucket up to be emptied.

Plumber said no way, philamon get out of there let me pass you the **** buckets. So that's what he did, got into the **** and started passing the buckets to philamon.

Later when asked why he did that he said he doesn't take **** from a philamon !

 

Hey taking **** from some one is worse than being in **** i think ..... nice one ...

 

A man was leaving a store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching a nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse, about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him , a short distance back,. were about 200 men walking single file.
The man could not stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, " my wife's funeral".

The other man asked, " What happened to her?"

The first man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

Inquiring further, the other asked, " but who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, " my mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
" Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, " Get in line!"




STEVE

 

Two guys were out hunting on opening day. Suddenly a funeral procession drove slowly by on the nearby road, and the hunter grounded his rifle. He took his hat off, and bowed his head until the procession had passed.

As he put his hat back on and picked up his rifle, his buddy said, "I'm impressed; that was a very respectful gesture."

And the hunter replied, "well, it was the least I could do. After all, we were married for thirty two years...."

 

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why
did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn
so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."

 

***** Van Lesbian
A Hollywood actor walked into a agents office to register. The agent said "I'd be happy to help you, but with a name like "***** van Lesbian ", no one is going to hire you. I suggest you change your name first, then I will try to help you."
The actor was furious. He said "***** van Lesbian is my name, and the family name for generations, and there is no way I'm going to change it for anyone, *******." Then he stormed out the door, slamming it behind him.
Many years later, the agent received a letter in the mail from the actor.
It said "I apologise for my reaction when you suggested I change my name . After leaving your office, I thought about it, and concluded you were probably right, so I changed my name. Since then my career has grown exponentially. Thanks for your advice. Following it has given me an extremely successful career, and a wonderful life .
Thank you
Sincerely
Dick van Dyke

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxtUH_bHBxs

 

I had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman I met at a bar. She looked pretty darn HOT for 57. She was drinking quite a bit, and while we were chatting, she came right out and asked me if I'd ever had a "sportsman's double:" A mother and daughter threesome! I said 'no', but she might be able to talk me into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into my eyes, she tells me, "Tonight's your lucky night." So we go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as we enter, and she shouts upstairs…."Mom! You still awake?"

 

LOL .... Fanie where u get those jokes is beyond me but man do they make me smile

Thx buddy

 

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. 'May we see the new baby?" one asked. 'Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When he cries!" she told them. "When he cries?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM.... O.K.?"

 

On the 2nd tee of the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair, it meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the 17th tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me of your affair. Since we're being honest with each other I have something to tell you also. Thirty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me"
The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers. He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been - playing off the ladies tees!"

 

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated. A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him. She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe, darling.."
Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't "darling" me. The deal was very clear!! "Until death do us part!""