Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

"The few of us complaining about things are most often discarded as radicals, racists or just someone who wants to complain !" The same here (US) but fully half of us are being run over. Meet ya there, Brother.

 

http://www.woodenboat.com/forum/showthread.php?t=99253

 

Hi Mark, I understand there is no perfect place on earth (any more), but there are things that just cannot happen and expect to stay intact. But please, come visit us for the soccer, we really want you guys here. We have a beautiful (but ******) country ! It is not even like this in most of the african countries where people are much poorer than here.

How can you guys post such morbit things on the jokes forum of all places

 

Hi lewisboats,

Thanks very much for that - I hope you got as much entertainment out of it as I did!

 

Groete Fanie,

Ek het 50 jaar daar gewoon – ek weet wat daar aangaan - dis hoekom ek nou in Brisbane woon!

Translation

G’day Far-knee,

“I lived there for 50 years – I know what goes on there – that’s why I now live in Brisbane!”

Maybe you should try moving here – there’s plenty of “Fanies” living over here now. You can even buy biltong & boerewors & Marmite & Mrs. Chutney’s Balls & Sparletta Cream Soda & Ouma’s rusks etc! Best of all – YOU DON’T NEED A GUN.

When we first arrived in Australia from South Africa, one of the things that amazed me was the complete lack of the use of car hooters (horns), or for that matter, of the need to use them. In my first month of driving I think I heard a car hooter being used three times - & two of those were me!

SeeYa

 

That's NOT what I meant when I said "2 of those were mine!"

 

...sort of like airbags only different...don't let Boston see this site...he will leave the boat and start playing with cars.

 

"What is this, a case of tit for tat?"

Although you seek to titillate,
I fear it's just a storm in a D-cup!

 

In the movies -

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

 

Hey Fanie, that last one has actually happened to me--twice. One morning I turned on the TV while I was getting ready for the first day of building the set for a play, and found out the star had been knifed in a carport during the night. Another time I was having a cup of coffee before I headed out the door to start working on a building they were supposed to have moved during the night, and it was hung up in electric lines at an intersection; they wound up demo'ing it on the spot.

 

{Not me}

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.


What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a$$ and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

I thought this was very funny

 

A lady had triplets – Pit, Pat & Tat.

Problem at feeding time – there was no tit for Tat!

 

Lord Lonsdale, (related to the Irish physicist noted for using x-ray analysis to show that the carbon atoms in the benzene ring are arranged hexagonally and are in the same plane (1929) – this has nothing to do with the joke but sounds cool), had bought the latest Sunseeker 40 meter yacht (with the new roll-out balconies), & had arrived on the French Riviera with his 9 crew & 11 family members on a shake-down cruise.

Strolling round the teak decks in his Sebago’s one morning, wondering why the Frogs had never learned how to boil their food properly like his cook back home could, he passed his son’s cabin & saw him ‘in the act’ with their French au pair maid, doggy style.

“What on earth are you doing?” Lord Lonsdale cried.

“Err, copulating, father” replied the son
.
“Well then, do it like a LONSDALE – not like a ruddy AIREDALE!”

 

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays for good hearing for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday!"