Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. lewisboats
    Joined: Oct 2002
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    Location: Iowa

    lewisboats Obsessed Member

    A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are
    the only animals that stutter,' she says.

    A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.


    'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

    'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

    'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say '****,' the Rottweiler ate her!'

    The teacher had to leave the room.
     
  2. lewisboats
    Joined: Oct 2002
    Posts: 2,329
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    Location: Iowa

    lewisboats Obsessed Member

    The Cannibal


    A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

    + Tourist: $5
    + Broiled Missionary: $10.00
    + Fried Explorer: $15.00
    + Baked Democrat or Republican: $100.00

    The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for a Politician?'

    The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of $hit, it takes all morning.' :D
     
  3. lewisboats
    Joined: Oct 2002
    Posts: 2,329
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    Location: Iowa

    lewisboats Obsessed Member

    NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF......... .......



    If you can read this whole story without laughing, then
    there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This
    is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chile

    cook-off in New Mexico.



    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay

    attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third

    judge is even better.




    For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know

    how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about

    the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion

    of a parking lot at the Santa FePlaza. Judge #3 was an

    inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

    from Springfield, IL.



    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

    judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick
    at

    the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the

    judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light

    truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other
    two

    judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be

    all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free

    beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."



    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing

    kick.

    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the he!! is this

    stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

    Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the

    worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.



    CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight

    jalapeno tang..

    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be

    taken seriously.

    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.

    I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides

    pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the

    Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

    saw the look on my face.



    CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.

    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium

    spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

    Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I

    ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is

    in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced

    from all of the beer.



    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice.

    Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

    dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,

    but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste

    buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with

    fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..

    just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chile an

    aphrodisiac?



    CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly

    ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Chileusing shredded beef, could use more

    tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong

    statement.

    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my

    forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and

    four people behind me needed paramedics. The

    contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chile had
    given me

    brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

    pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
    I'm

    burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other

    judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



    CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile.

    Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

    onions, garlic. Superb.

    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled

    with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I

    farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.

    No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.

    Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

    with a snow cone.



    CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chile with too much reliance on

    canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw

    in a can of chile peppers at the last moment. **I should

    take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears

    to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull

    the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in

    one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing

    water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticed

    out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

    shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what

    killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too

    painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

    air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

    stomach.



    CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
    blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

    existence.

    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile.

    Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost

    when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the

    chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
    make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
    hot chile?

    Judge # 3 - No Report.
     
  4. lewisboats
    Joined: Oct 2002
    Posts: 2,329
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    Location: Iowa

    lewisboats Obsessed Member

    Different Ways Of Looking At Things

    (Or the uncertainty of the English language)
    Two guys were discussing
    popular family trends on sex,

    marriage, and family values.
    Stu said,
    'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
    Leroy replied,

    'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
    ---------------------------------------------------------

    A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad,
    where did my intelligence come from?'
    The father replied. 'Well, son, you must
    have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
    Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife
    $775 a week,'

    'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
    then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency
    Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the
    looks of your wife at all.'
    'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
    'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
    curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
    The Wizard says,
    'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
    words that were used to put the curse on you.'
    The old man says without hesitation, 'I
    now pronounce you man and wife.'

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

    1. The DNA all matches.
    2. There are no dental records.

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell
    me how long it'll take to fly

    from San Francisco to New York City ?'
    The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
    'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of
    Juan Gonzalez.
    'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
    'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
    'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
    'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in
    Juan.'

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
    Joe: 'Really?'

    Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse
    appears and asks him how he is feeling.
    'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in

    surgery.

    he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
    'Oops!'

    ------------------------------------------------------------

    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I
    passed a display of
    bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty
    pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought
    my husband's advice

    'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
    'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
    He's still in intensive care.

    ........................................................................

    The graveside service just barely
    finished, when there was massive clap of thunder,
    followed by a
    tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even
    more thunder rumbling
    in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly
    said, 'Well, she's there!
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    "...That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me ..."

    -thank God for the Chinese, eh?
     
  6. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    Location: North of Cuba

    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    They are already teaching that in the schools.

    If a child is accosted by a school yard bully in Florida, and hits back in self-defence, both he and the bully are suspended or expelled, depending on how radical is the decision maker.

    NO JOKE
     
  7. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    Location: North of Cuba

    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    Lone Ranger and Tonto
    The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

    The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"

    The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The
    Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around
    Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

    Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
    returned to the bar to finish his drink.

    A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

    The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

    The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your
    Injun runnin'."
     
  8. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 174, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Unfortunately things in our schools are a bit more serious... Just look at the standard of education and imagine the yoof (youth) trying to run a country...
     

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  9. troy2000
    Joined: Nov 2009
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    Location: California

    troy2000 Senior Member

    They tried that with my older son, when he was about 12. His suspension lasted for about an hour, because I had him waiting in the car the first morning of it while I asked the principal, "have you told your son not to fight back, if he's getting beat up?"

    The numbskull had the nerve to answer, "What I've told my son is irrelevant. I'm not speaking as a father here; I'm speaking as a school principal." And I told him, "well by God, I'm speaking as a father. And I will not deny my child the right to defend himself. Do you know what's going to happen to this school and to you, if he gets seriously hurt because you told him he has to let people hit him?"

    The principal blustered for a minute about how he was not going to let me intimidate him, then said, "but one of the goals of disciplinary action is to get the parents involved. And since you came down here to discuss the situation personally, I'm going to go ahead and waive his suspension."

    And I thanked the mealy-mouthed twit very much for doing so. I'd made my point, and didn't see anything to gain by rubbing it in....:p
     
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  10. peter radclyffe
    Joined: Mar 2009
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    Location: europe

    peter radclyffe Senior Member

  11. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 174, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

    One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

    The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.

    Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

    A woman's heart beats faster than a man's...

    There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

    Women blink twice as often as men.

    The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

    Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

    If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

    Women reading this will be finished now.

    Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
     
  12. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 174, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Defense Attorney:
    Will you please state your age?

    Little Old Lady:
    I am 94 years old.

    Defense Attorney:
    Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

    Little Old Lady:
    There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

    Defense Attorney:
    Did you know him?

    Little Old Lady:
    No, but he sure was friendly.

    Defense Attorney:
    What happened after he sat down?

    Little Old Lady:
    He started to rub my thigh.

    Defense Attorney:
    Did you stop him?

    Little Old Lady:
    No, I didn't stop him.

    Defense Attorney:
    Why not?

    Little Old Lady:
    It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

    Defense Attorney:
    What happened next?

    Little Old Lady:
    He began to rub my breasts.

    Defense Attorney:
    Did you stop him then?

    Little Old Lady:
    No, I did not stop him.

    Defense Attorney:
    Why not?

    Little Old Lady:
    His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

    Defense Attorney:
    What happened next?

    Little Old Lady:
    Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
    'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

    Defense Attorney:
    Did he take you?

    Little Old Lady:
    Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little *******
     
  13. Small Wally
    Joined: Aug 2005
    Posts: 23
    Likes: 2, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 48
    Location: Nearly there

    Small Wally Junior Member

    And when were the Canary Islands moved to the Pacific?
     
  14. Ruby Tuesday
    Joined: Oct 2009
    Posts: 19
    Likes: 2, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 78
    Location: Brisbane, Australia

    Ruby Tuesday Junior Member

    Can’t find the Drivel Thread so I’ll post this here -

    I think the upcoming Soccer World Cup in South Africa will showcase some of the best dribbling the game of soccer has ever seen!

    With players like Christiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi, Wayne Rooney & Arsenal’s Arschavin how can it miss? To see Ronaldo in full flight skipping past a host of defenders is pure magic that one can only …….,

    (sorry, hang on a sec.)

    What’s that dear? Oh bugger, I must get these bi-focals updated. I though it said the DRIBBLE Thread!

    Kindly disregard this posting!

    P.S.

    There was a link in BoatDesign to an excellent thread on another site posted late last year (Wooden Boat?). It was from a guy in Canada, I think, who worked in a yard where two chaps were trying to convert an already extended steel boat into an even bigger one for use in charter. It was horribly top-heavy & almost capsized on the first attempt at launching. They then effected numerous upgrades, but missed the cut-off date for launching before the river or lake froze over.

    They were due to re-launch about now. Does anybody remember this enthralling episode & would you recall the address of this site? It was pretty close to a boat joke!

    R.T.
     

  15. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 174, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    What we in SA REALLY !!! hope for is that the foreigners will see what is going on in SA for a change. The few of us complaining about things are most often discarded as radicals, racists or just someone who wants to complain !

    What we REALLY NEED in SA is some support from foreign countries and pressure on the gov to start improving things. It is still downhill all the way here.

    Most of us doesn't really care about the soccer.
     
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