Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very
difficult work,as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The
old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling very sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm
just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding
any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

 

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show
it off to his colleagues.As he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the car and completely
tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a policeman was close enough to see the accident and pulled up
behind the Porsche; it was completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how hard the body shop
might try to make it new again.
His lights flashing, but before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before ,was now completely
ruined and would never be same no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.After the lawyer
finally calmed down from his rant, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how
materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You're so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most
important things in life'
'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer.The officer replied, 'Don't you even realize that your left
arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!'
'OH, MY GOD!' screamed the lawyer.
'MY EXPENSIVE ROLEX!!!

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds,
Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to
the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,'
the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
-------------------
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his
hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized
'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
-------------------
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
-------------------
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree'
sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?'
replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
-------------------
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp.They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first!
Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
-------------------
Always let your boss have the first say.

 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a
large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and
came to investigate.Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
--------------------
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy..
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

Thus Ends The Five Minute Management Course

 

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take ashower.
I realized that I couldn't find the rake.
I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated thegestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replies,"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"!!!!

 

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he
knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire,
but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's
brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the
King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch,
and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote
to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,
which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's
voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as
a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his
payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that
Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

 

Ok you guys, beat (pun) this one !


Woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine against that:
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile
tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman: " Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home
drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me".

Doctor: " ….. you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

 

Thats not to beat!

 

charter

Newbie


Group: Members
Posts: 23
Joined: 27-September 09
Member No.: 40091



on Turkish gullet or the best



Company has expensive, no experience in boatbuilding, we dont have the nessry, facultys, kipment, or person, We dont no how to make good boat, all boats we build is rubbish but we don’t care, because when you paid, whot you gonna do baht it, fool, you believe, any things wot we tell you, one born every minute, Out of 4’000 pictures we select onli 13 to show you cos rest is rubbish, we are never ready to answer the questions from customer, cos we are in whorehouse with bank manager, then we go casino, sniff drugs, where we make joke about stupid client, soon parted with cash, like ever body knows you either gedda de Turkish or de best, we don’t givva de fuk,



Gullet is very old vessel built of crap, they were used for 12’000 years by thieves, stealing all you got, olive oil, amphoras, wine, was used when we got plastered with ouzo, in extensive exploration and trading voyages we go **** and pillage, with your sheep Over the years the gullet has degenerated from was beautiful graceful swan, now is fat ugly pig of dog, finished with sand blast and cement, cracked deck, weak superstructure, hull not caulked, cos we fuggin lazy, so boat sink you buy another boat, we not stupid, we see you coming out of bank .



Most boats is built by rum bods called Stanley on the black, many years ago we study where we find best materials, we make extensive search high and low far and wide, thick and thin, then after careful deliberation and much consultation we make choice , the engine come out of front of old lorry, the wood fall of the back, we do our very best for you sir are most discerning customer, refined and prestigious in your ways, true or not we know you want hear this, you so stupid you pay we tell you your wonderful, our boats are so well known in Sweden they are called Voidatallcost, which our Swedish friends tried to translate to us but we too thick to understand much at all, the emphasis in our ranch built cabins is no air conditioning, tacky finish, leaky deck, goat in cupboard, mosquito in broken shower, none of this is in our brochure which is written by B.Cartland and any banker who lost his job, now we use his lack of moral fibre to sell you nightmare/holiday you will never be able to forget , we don’t care because next year another punter flies delayed plane.

 

So many jokes, so few boats in them.

Here's one to beat fanie:

The following is a documented conversation between the USS Lincoln and a Chilean "vessel"....

Chilean: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

usanian: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Chilean: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

usanian: This is the captain of a us navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Chilean: No. I repeat, divert your course.

usanian: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Chilean: This is a lighthouse. Stick to your course and see what happens next...