Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Pilot Nova 851:

“Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.”

Halifax Terminal (female):

“Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.”

 

A Pan Am 727 waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

 

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.

 

Dunno if that was smart to advertise...Do not be surprised if a sudden tidal wave hits your shores in a week or so.

 

Looking for some beaver ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rBTzKLxV3w



On a recent trip to the United States, President Jacob Zuma addressed a major gathering of Red Indians.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for improving South Africa 's present standard of living.

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Zuma then sang them his signature tune and departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Zuma.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** that it can no longer fly.

 

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.



A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big *i*s who owns a bar

on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh! % .

 

Last one, gotta be somin boatin'

 

I don't think many of the immigrants in question read boatdesign.net.

 

This bloke rings his wife who he knows is on her way home from work, he says" hey were are you , Ive just seen on the telly that there is some fking lunatic driving up the motorway on the wrong side of the road"

She says" its not just one its all of them"

 

This is true and happened yesterday. This fking dumb aussie went to the Starbucks just outside the marina for a free wi-fi connection. Whilst on the net he wanted a piss so he went to what he thought was the toilet, he pissed in what he thought was a urinal.

He had walked into the Muslim prayer room and pissed in their hand wash basin. It is so clearly signed ----really.

 

Hey, I need to talk to someone. I'm a Democrat, and I'm not getting a piece of that action....

 

This must be his dad or granddad:

 

Escaped prisoners these day are getting real smart and innovative.

 

A lesbian couple decide to have a baby.So one gets artificially inseminated.
After four months, the mother-to-be has a mis-carriage.
The prognosis: it wasn't screwed in properly.

 

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak...
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.Just then a gust of wind blew,the gun fell over and discharged ...
shooting him in the ********.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
'Well, sir, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the unter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your *****.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor.

'She's a flute player in the Detroit Symphony.

She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes.'