Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful-the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them. "The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then ..."

 

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
and said, "You've got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about
anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the
Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call..
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"


"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
look at that sign... It might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!

 

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "So, you're a man.

That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

 

The difference between Tiger Woods and Father Christmas is that Father Christmas stops after three ho's.

 

Two ladies talking in heaven:


1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

 

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go
to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and
don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what
to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his
Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he
turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go
powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to
the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you
powder your nose?" "Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the
sandbox. "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your
purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

 

The first nursery ryhme that a blonde learns is Humpme Dumpme.

 

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got
increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivities were finally over she & Charles had retired
to their room at the palace. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please
remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with
Vigor But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But
it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan,
and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip
and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the
other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:

'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

 

7 Signs that Winnie the Pooh Characters are on Drugs:

1. Eyore The Donkey doesn't care about anything, has slow reactions and demonstrates lack of motivation -
Marijuana
2. Piglet is afraid of everything and is paranoid of constantly being chased -
Mushrooms
3. Bunny gets into everyone's business and constantly needs everything -
Cocaine
4. Tigger cannot calm down, bounces all the time and is never tired -
Ecstasy
5. Christopher Robin can talk to animals -
Hallucinogenic
6. Pooh Bear loves sweets and has the wildest of imaginations -
LSD
7. Owl is always there to help anyone who needs help -
Dealer

 

Oldish one here but true

Law in South Africa
Two recent court cases, have earned the attention of newspaper readers in South Africa
1. One person was fined R1 000 for not having a TV license.
2. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder.
The moral of this South African story:
If you do not have a TV license and the inspector comes around, kill him!
You'll save R500.

.It's the Right Thing To Do....

 

More on SA mentality...

Let me see if I understand all this...

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS
HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.


IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.


IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE JAILED.


IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.


IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.


IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.


IF YOU CROSS THE SOUTH AFRICAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, PENSION CARD, WELFARE, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE. PERKS INCLUDE WEAPONS OF YOUR CHOICE.

 

Hello Boss, this is Philamon, the garden boy on the farm. I'm trying to get hold of the boss for few days now.

Hello Philamon, what can I do for you, are there any problems ?

Eh...eh...eh.. I phone to tell the Boss the parrot has died.

The one that won the national championships ?

Yebo, es that one.

That's a shame, I spent a fortune on that bird.
What has it died of ?

He is eaten the rotten meat Boss

Rotten meat ? Who gave him rotten meat ?

Nobody Boss, he has eaten the dead horse meat.

Dead horse ? What dead horse ?

The thoroughbred boss.

My prize horse has died ?

Eish yes boss. He died from hard work pulling the water cart.

What f water cart Philamon ?

Eh eh eh... the one we used to put out the fire.

Good grief Philamon, what fire are you talking about ?

The one in the boss's house. The candle she fell over and the curtains cought on fire.

What ?

Yes boss.

But there's electricity in the house.
What the f were you burning the candle for ?

For the funeral boss.

What figgin funeral Philamon ?

Es for the boss's wife, boss.
She came here one night and we didn't know it was her.
So I hit her with the boss's new fishing rod.

*silence*










*silence*












*more silence*













*finally*

Philamon if there is a scratch on that fishing rod you are in deep figgin **** !

 

Not even I knew all this...

Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton.
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle."
A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
The ’spot’ on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
Chocolate affects a dog’s heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
Upper and lower case letters are named ‘upper’ and ‘lower’ because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the ‘upper case’ letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, ‘lower case’ letters.
Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.
A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a truely civilized society.)
The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It’s the same with apples!
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it

 

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Fanie again.

 

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender,

"no charge"