Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Comments made in the year 1955!

That's only 54 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1,000.00 will only buy a used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

 

Desperate to use a payphone, a visitor to town searched high and low, and when he eventually found one, it was already occupied. Hoping that the man inside the kiosk wouldn't be long, the visitor waited impatiently outside, constantly looking at his watch. In an attempt to convey a sense of urgency, the visitor kept staring at the man on the phone but soon noticed that he wasn't actually saying anything. As the minutes passed, the visitor kept looking, nodding and pointing to his watch, but the guy inside paid no attention and just stood there with the phone in his hand, saying nothing into the receiver. After a quarter of an hour, the guy inside had still not said a word into the phone. Thinking that he was being deliberately obstructive and just wasting time, the visitor finally lost his cool. Opening the door of the box, he tried to snatch the phone from the other man's hand.

"Do you mind!" said the guy with the phone. "I'm talking to my wife!"

 

An Indian official came to Washington to plead his tribe's cause. It wanted the right to handle all of its own affairs.

The head of the Bureau of Indian Affairs said, "It would be criminal to hand over those rights. Indians aren't smart enough to manage their property."

"Sir, do you think I wouldn't have that much brains?" asked the Indian official.

"I'm talking about the average Indian. You were sent here because you were the smartest man," replied the department head.

The Indian said, "I'm just an average Indian sir. We Indians are like the rest of the people of the United States, we never send our smartest men to Washington!"

===

Two union men debated whether or not they should go to the union meeting. One said, "We have to go. We must show these capitalist pigs that we are united in our struggle to attain a living wage that will reflect the dignity of labor."

The other union man said, "You're right. We should go. But we'll have to take your Jaguar. My Mercedes is in the shop!"

===

"In Massachusetts, Republicans are upset over a new tax hike on dogs. It was slipped into a bill at the last minute by Democrats. Democrats claim they're only going to be taxing dogs that make over $250,000 a year, though." ~ Jay Leno

===

A Navy officer was walking through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and chanced upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on a table.

"Sailor!" the officer boomed. "Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?"

"No sir," replied the sailor, "but we don't land airplanes on the roof either!"

 

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends.

 

Ah yes Bambi,

Years ago I worked for a co who wanted a 'very accurate' and 'very sensitive' temperature control for their test lab.

How sensitive ?

As sensitive as possible...

Would 0.1 deg C suffice ?

Mmmm, yes maybe.

So I made the thing. It worked for about three weeks.
The control was fine, but the air con pipes started cracking because the continuous on off switching of the motors. If you just stand or walk close to the sensor it sensed the temp change and the motor would start up.

It was one of the few times I made something that was too good
I had to reduce the control to about 1 deg...



As for old prices, here's something from SA. Those were the days eh.

 

Math teacher under arrest
Posted by Yankee Doodle S on Jan 06, 2010 17:20

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow----

 

Father O'Malley

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a ******* lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning.' This is speaker Pelosi, 'How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a ******* lying dead in me front lawn.

Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

 

Don't Mess With Old People

Howard was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.
There was one nurse that just drove him crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he
was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of
voice, 'And how are we doing this morning', or 'Are we
ready for a bath,' or 'Are we hungry?'

Old Howard had enough of this particular nurse. One
day, at breakfast, Old Howard took the apple juice off the
tray and put it in his bed side stand.

Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.

So you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a
little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. 'My,
it seems we are a little cloudy today.'

At this, Old Howard snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run
it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

The nurse fainted!

Old Howard just smiled!

DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE!

 

Missing Maine Wife

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident off the coast of Maine , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced State Troopers. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Troopers.


"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.
The Troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
The second Trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The Trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters
clinging to her."
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Trooper answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow ."

 

NOTICE:

Due to the climate of political correctness
now prevailing in America, those of us from
Kentucky, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, North and
South Carolina, Virginia and West Virginia will no
longer be referred to as "Hillbillies" or "Rednecks".

You must now refer to us as "Appalachian-Americans".

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some possums to fry.

 

The Awful Hairdo

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: “Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River. It’s called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope,” added the woman.

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on-time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was over booked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful. I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

“And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors. So, if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What’d he say ?

He said: “Where’d you get that awful Hairdo?”

 

A child's perspective

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

“Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

 

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

 

Yesterday she pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
'Look dad ! It's a frickin' elephant!'
I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' Elephant, Grandpa! It says so on the picture!' and so it does...


' A f r i c a n Elephant '

 

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker
successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without
breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the
Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same
conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets
harder when you're away from home.