Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"
His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"

He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."

Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."

The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"

He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"

 

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If, however, it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that
you actually set it free in the first place,

You either married it or gave birth to it

 

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!

 

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick !

 

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash!

 

A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right," she says. She doubts that the doctor knows what he's talking about

That night, a few minute after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet, grabs a piece of red ribbon, and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed...

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and immediately begins snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him, too.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.

Late the next morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused. As he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head, looks at the dog, and whispers, "I don't know where we were .... or what we did ...

but, by God, we took FIRST and SECOND place!

 

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I
bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought
it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari,

You guessed it:

Her share of the lotto winnings..

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while
she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is
barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.



"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"

 

The Irish Times

26 February 2008

Ireland's worst ever air disaster occured this morning whan a two seater Cessna light aricraft crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and rescue workers have thus far recovered 1826 bodies and expects that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Reuters

 

Do you think this guy may have had a bit much to drink?

http://www.break.com/index/drunkest-guy-ever-goes-for-more-beer.html?matchid=

 

Mexican Words O f The Day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car
There's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen,
But che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.

4. * Texas *
When I'm not home,
My fren always Texas me,
Che wonders where I am!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got mine piece
Then che got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store
But ju went to see sum guy,
July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars
But my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife
But che said chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left
But don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women.
I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.

12. * Bishop *
My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop.
LOL

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club
But no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body,
Budweiser face so ugly?

 

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Skrops because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Skrops and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Skrops snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Skrops shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'
The third night was Homie's turn. Homie was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed.

I went and tucked Skrops into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night...Skrops sat up and watched me all

 

Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

# 10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

 

Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of society; but always remember who laid them!!!

Men play the game. Women know the score..

Here is the definition of divorce... She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!!!

Confucius says .. man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener!

 

BMW : BRINGS ME WOMEN

FIAT : Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

FORD : Fast Only Rolling Downhill

HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive

VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

PORSCHE : Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

KIA : Kills In Accidents

OPEL : Old People Ending Lives

GOLF - GTI : Girls Only Love Fun - Get Them Inside

HONDA : Hang On, Now Driving Away

POLO : Panties Off, Legs Open

 

Ullo, is this the Phoenix SAP?" (S A Police)

"Ya. What you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Visvanathen Moonsamy! He is
hiding dagga inside his firewood."

"Ja...Thank you for your copration and informashin in combating
Crime and violence, in our society sir."

The next day, the SAP descend on Viss' place. They search the
Braai Lapa where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every
Piece of wood, but find no dagga. They shout and swear at Vis and leave.

The phone rings at Viss' house.

"Hey, Vis! Did the SAP come?"

"Ja!"

"Did they chop your firewood for the braai tonight?"

"...ja...."

"Happy Birthday Bra! I'll bring the brandy now"