Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the military.


He bought a plane ticket to Fort Jackson, SC thinking he would start by working his way across the USA.

On his first day he was inside the Base Chapel taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall above a sign that read $10,000 per call."

The man, being intrigued, asked a soldier who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The solider replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The man thanked him and went on his way.

Next, he stopped at Andrews Air Force Base in Washington, DC. There, at a very large Chapel, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He asked a nearby Airman what this phone's purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the man, and left.

He then traveled to Ft. Leonard Wood, MO, Wright Patterson AFB, OH, Annapolis, MD, and Naval Air Station Oceana, VA. In every chapel he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

Upon leaving Oceana, he decided to travel to a Marine base to see if he would find the same phone. He arrived onboard MCB Camp Lejeune, NC and while waiting to visit the base chapel, he was invited into the Enlisted Club.

There was the same golden telephone. This time, however, the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The man was surprised.

Just then, a Gunnery Sergeant walked in and he asked about the sign.

"Gunny, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many chapels on many different military installations. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the Army, the Air Force, and even the Navy, the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The Gunny smiled and answered, "You're on a Marine Base now son, it's a local call."

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment of getting their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a Marine Corps pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

 

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.

'E can clearly see my little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put thee American in 'is place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window.

 

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on the U.S. Military's Recreation Preferences...

1. Sport of choice for the Marines: Bowling

2. Sport of choice for the Navy: Football

3. Sport of choice for the Army: Baseball

4. Sport of choice for the Coast Guard: Tennis

5. Sport of choice for the Air Force: Golf

Did you notice that the farther down the list you go, the smaller their balls get??!??

 

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

 

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

Finally got my breath back...

 

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
- Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you meet a beautiful girl .
- Uzair Sait

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

 

Oh come on Jeff, Bamby deserves some points, some brilliant ones there !!

 

Fanie it's good enough for me to know you enjoyed some of them. I know some days seem depressing enough I'll go looking for some good jokes to lift the spirits some myself. Glad they also improved your spirits too.

 

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was George W. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton , lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . . . .






'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'

 

Couple of really nice ones there Bamby

4 5 C, why did you stop

 

I gave Bamby some points on your behalf old chap which may mean I can now give you and Fanie some now.

 

Hi Rest Hin Piece,

I see I can giive you points, so how about that hilarious joke you were saving for this occasion ?

I have to admit, Bamby gets better at this with every post !!!

 

Which one fanie?

Ed went to see the Doctor. The Doctor asked what was wrong.
"Don't laugh!" said the patient Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient".

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest willy the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied

 

Now that one won't count RHP. It's not complete either. Add the line
'The doctor had to leave the room...'
And if I'm not mistaken it has been up before. NEW ones only