Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Little Johnny was late for class, and when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively. He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to get the teacher after him. This upset the teacher, who said him, "Johnny, is this how your father would have come in - late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this time!" So, Little Johnny left the room and shut the door behind him quietly, as he'd come in. Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the carpet with his foot and said, "So Honey, didn't expect ME, did ya?"

 

BTW Mark,

Your lamp is a LIE

 

Does everyone in America's phone number starts with '555' ?? or is it just the movies that all gets made in the same place




Shouldn't this thread remain on the first page ? The real question is can one lose your sense of humour in these economical times.

It's a joke, ok.

 

No chance of a loss, in a sense of humour... Haven't you noticed everyone seems to be lots crazier (in a humorous way):?: even in the more serious threads... Good to see...

 

See Dante's Divine Comedy.

 

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.



I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."




When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.

I took her out with one punch.



I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a ****."

 

Single handed racing

As a silly woman I find it a bit confusing when people call it this when all the people I see doing it are using both hands. Are they cheating?

 

little johny stop going around in circles or i'll nail your other foot to the floor too

 

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and
I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
**** are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"

The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"

"My lord, what language!" says the mother.

"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"

"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.

"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you ****ers are all right.

 

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead *****".

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

 

The Marine Sergeant

Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old US. Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada" one last time."The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could
now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ***," said the Marine.
"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ***," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ***.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the *** first?"

"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three *******s report that I was the aggressor?"

 

FIRST ASSIGNMENT

It was a dark, stormy night. The Marine was on his first assignment and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so he saluted again and replied, "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a Private and responded, "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said, "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued, "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

 

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine
Corps General Reinwald who was sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop he brought to his military base.

FEMALE REPORTER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys while they're visiting your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, and shooting.

FEMALE REPORTER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: Not at all, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE REPORTER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: No we are very safety conscious and will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE REPORTER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

 

A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.

The little boy was playing with a pile of schit.

Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of schit?"

The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO".

The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of schit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?"

The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO".

The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of schit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?"

The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO".

"Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG.

The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough schit to build an officer"