Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

On a tour of SA, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach front in his car, when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 5-metre shark. As the Pope watched horrified, a ski boat cruised up alongside with two men wearing Springbok jerseys. Frik quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side. Mike reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Frik and Mike killed the shark and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope summoned them to the beach, 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions,' he told them. 'I heard that there was some bitter rivalry between Australia and South Africa , but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, Frik asked Mike 'Who the hell was that, bru?'
'That was the Pope china' Mike replied. 'He's in direct contact with God, and has access to all of God's wisdom.'

'Well' Frik said, 'he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know bugger all about shark fishing .......... Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another Aussie?'

 

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.

South African Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Municipal 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
South African Police 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am…………………...

 

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to
a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was
too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up
appeared that said:

'You got Male!'

 

Great jokes Fanie but I cant give you points !

 

Was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid,
but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I
need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:

I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh * t.

 

A Durbanite drove into Jozi and stopped at a rough nightclub in
Yeoville...When he came out, his car was gone...He rushed back into the
bar, pulled out a gun and fired a shot into the ceiling...

"Who stole my f****n car?" he yelled...No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my wheels aren't back outside by the time I finished, I'm gonna be forced to do what I did back in Chatsworth!"

The guy had another beer and his car mysteriously returned...

The bartender followed him out of the bar and asked, "What happened in Chatsworth?"

The guy said "I had to walk home"

 

Enjoy while it lasts

Several men are in the yacht club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure…go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$70,000?

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000?

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the club are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open…..

He smiles and asks, “Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?”

 

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan
to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands
them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains
that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center
that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains
the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the
shows for which the hotel is famous.

'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las
Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,'
complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager
replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,
'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But
sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you
$300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here
and you could have.'

 

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was
allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off , and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said,
'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number
and the authorities will apprehend her when we land'.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to
its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it !' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the
Policeman, 'What's going on ?'


The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

 

COP VS. LITTLE GIRL

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa; The d*#k goes underneath the horse, not on top !'

 

Three pastors took a day off and decided to go fishing after a busy
Sunday. They agreed its so difficult preaching to people all the time
and no one preaches to them. Sitting by the river with little response
from the hooks one pastor thought of sharing his heart with others.

He said "guys its rare to get such an opportunity to be among ourselves
like this. It would be good if we look into our lives and help each other with our weaknesses".

They all agreed to this.

1. This pastor said "Gentlemen I need help! The people in my church give
a lot of money every week. I started taking little by little but now I
take a big chunk. I can't stop stealing from the church please pray for
me. The day they will find out I will be fired"!

2. Another pastor said "brothers your sins are better than mine! I have
slept with every woman in the church including married women. As I
preach my eyes hover over the congregation looking for the next prey. If
this is discovered people will not fire me, they will kill me!"

3. The last pastor's feet were shaking as they were talking. They
thought he had a big story to tell.

He stood up and said "My brothers my problem is gossip! I can't sit
anymore. I have to share your stories with other people! I will be back!

 

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence , but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this? ...

If you're a man, it gets worse next year... 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

 

I received an email with this text - - SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE (FRIGHTENING !)




and the attached image - - bugger and I was going to name my boat that........

 

A journalist walks up to an old man praying at the wailing wall in Jerusalem. "What are you praying for?" he asks. "World peace," says the man, "reconciliation between Muslims, Jews and Christians. I've been praying here for sixty years." "Sixty years!" says the journalist. "Yes," says the man, "it's like talking to a brick wall."

 

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly....

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"


'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue..'