Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

SOMETIMES YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes

To the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.

'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

 

Michael Jackson...

 

Ha !! Education. It's never too late.

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

 

In Mayfair, Johannesburg a fire destroyed a block of flats.

A Nigerian family of six con-artists lived on the first floor, and all
six died in the fire. A group of seven Somalian welfare cheats,
all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too,
all perished in the fire.. Six local ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and
they too, died.

One indian couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Hearing this on national news, Julius Malema and Zwelinzima Vavi were
furious. They flew into Joburg, teamed-up with Jacob Zuma and quickly
demanded a meeting with the Fire Chief. On camera, they loudly demanded
to know why the Blacks all died in the fire and only the indian couple
lived.

The Fire Chief replied, "The indians were at work."

 

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 17 votes short..?"

 

James Bond walks intoa bar and takes a seat next to an attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks down at his watch. The woman next to him asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replied, "Q’s just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." Intrigued by this, the woman asks, "What does it do, Mr. Bond?"
"Well you see," said Bond, "it uses Alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."
"I see," said the woman, "and what’s it telling you now?" "It says you’re not wearing any knickers…" Bond says. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I’m afraid I’m wearing knickers!" 007 taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"

 

A man goes to a bar with his dog.

He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.

The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

 

He he.... Ha!mericans

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)] to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (Made in MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of grape juice (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA

 

2 SAP members are on Sunday duty in the Garries charge office.

Sargent is servicing his penn 49 and the costable is reeding the Sunday Raport news paper. Sitting opposit the desk with his feet on the desk.

Cons: Sarge???

Sarge: Yes!! what you want?

Cons: What is a YET?

Sarge: Thats the stuf that flie over the charge office leeving that white trail in the sky.

Cons: NOPE!!

Sarge: Then you get a YET in your cars carburettor also!!

Cons: NOPE!!

Sarge: Consable, read the sentance so i can explain.

Cons: Sorry Sarge!!!! A woman has been shot dead, but the bullet has not been removed from her YET.

 

A plane is on its way to Cape Town when a blonde in Economy Class gets Up
and moves to the First Class and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket, She
then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy and that She
will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Cape
Town....And I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because She
only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and she Will
have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Cape
Town....And I'm staying right here!"

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to A
blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm
sorry- I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy
section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said To
make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied..... "I told her First Class isn't going to Cape Town"

 

If you are a store owner from, Brakpan (South Africa) & you are tired of people breaking into your shop on Voortrekker Road, what are you going to do? Simple, shave your dog to look like a lion.

 

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully munches up.After about 15 minutes,she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.She repeats this gesture about 5 more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch...he asks the little old lady,'Why dont you eat the peanuts yourself?
'We cant chew them because we've no teeth,she replied!
The puzzled driver asks,'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied,'We just love the chocolate around them'!

 

A chatsworth girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the half deaf worker .

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

 

Mums in group therapy

A psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young Mothers and their small children.
You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again it manifests n your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick
Willy up from school and go home.

 

Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of
would-be bank robbers.

Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who
tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota.
Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven
minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until
1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their
dollar, those Minnesotans.

Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father,
who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled
the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name
of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and
address of another in Detroit.

And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving
the robber's signature and account number.

Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by
wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first
into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively
identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the
Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and,
thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit
the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams,
where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly.

Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts,
who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still
unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the
keys locked inside.