Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

That reminds me of another joke.

Three guys show up in heaven and God explains to them that each of them will have a car in Heaven. The type of car will depend on how faithful they were to their wives on Earth.

Gary goes first "Please have mercy on me God. I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all."

God replies, "I am ashamed of you, for that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves."

Frank says "God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took a wrong turn. Please forgive me!"

God says "My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW."

Bill says proudly "God, I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and...

God says "Okay, Okay. I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!"

Two weeks later Gary and Frank are driving on the freeway when they see Bill ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road screaming and crying in his Black Jaguar.

Gary and Frank yell to Bill "Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like a child! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!"

Bill cries out, "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"

 

I heard it a bit differently.

Aparently for each time you do something wrong on earth you have to roll through the devil's fire. This one bloke was rolling through it so many times the devil called a time-out so the fire can get back to life some...

 

Dancing with the Czars: Obama's New State-Run Show


The cast of Obama Czars hit the dance floor on the new show with the highly anticipated season premiere of Dancing with the Czars .

You will be introduced to twelve Czars, who hold varying positions of power within the administration.

The great thing about them is that Czars operate with impunity and are "under the radar" when it comes to making policy. They are accountable to no one except the President and, oh man, can they dance.



The rules are unknown and the Czars don't have to undergo Senate Confirmation Hearings, they simply get appointed. Not only do they have immunity from elimination, Obama is likely to appoint more in the coming months.

Episode One will feature President Obama and TARP Czar Herb Allison. You will marvel at their prowess as they dance the Constitutional Side Step on the grave of Thomas Jefferson.

Following episodes are sure to feature Energy Czar Carol Browner and Health Reform Czar Nancy-Ann DeParle. With their solutions to problems being just the opposite of what is needed, their performance is guaranteed to be dangerous and entertaining.

Then there is Stimulus Accountability Czar Earl Devaney; his title alone is pure entertainment and his tap dancing will astound all.

Other dancers such as InfoTech Czar, and Urban Czar are quite the mystery. No one seems to know exactly what they do. Do they have talent or were they appointed to their positions as political favors? You'll have to watch to find out.

Tune in this season and watch which liberties and freedoms will be eroded first, on Dancing with the Czars! Coming to all state-run media outlets.

 

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys sever al new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.












Then he married the one with the biggest ****.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and VI*G*A today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge ********* and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world

 

Yup, that's us. I know a guy when I see him



An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

 

Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end, so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in??!!'

 

20 years with my wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

 

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once

I haven't been to church for so long they owe me two breads and seven liters of wine.

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

99 percent of lawyers and bankers give the rest a bad name.

Those of you who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.

Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.

 

Swine flue is not so bad. At least it is something I can give my creditors when they come by.

 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes

 

Oh **** were they jokes? - anyway, I sent some points of appreciation

 

Mr Mas......... I had you in mind when I posted.... hope you are well buddy and I tried to brighten up your day with points but I got the usual message....

 

So what is your take on global economics? - do you sort of follow what is posted http://www.boatdesign.net/forums/op...rd-cruising-yachties-26558-49.html#post287717 - the good stuff (not big media ********) is all over the place, but mostly bad and how the hell is it not seen for what it is BAD...? I am OK, just pissed at gross manipulation of international exchange rates, WTF else can you expect from the was once great........? Build is going smoothly and I am well, - click in the link in my signature area of every post...\!/

 

Ha ha ha, now that is a good one. I doubt there is any left for the taking