Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

and ten out of ten for all of ya

 

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK



1. Open a new file in your computer.



2. Name it "Robert Mugabe".



3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.



4. Empty the Recycle Bin.



5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of

"Robert Mugabe ?"



6. Firmly Click "Yes."



7. Feel better?





Tomorrow we'll do Jacob Zuma

 

Huh ? it got censored - all I got is a screen covered with black greasy ink - - yeuck.... hehehe

 

I laughed like hell

Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets his durex, he calls down to reception, asks for a pack of three.
Reception asks shall I put them on your bill?

Donald replies "Don't be f******ng stupid I'll suffocate"

 

09 Months Later ...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.


He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'



'Yes, I do.' said Bob.



'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'


'She just died and left me everything.'



(And you thought the ending... keep that smile for the rest of the day!

 

Here's some more 'on the bill'... it ROCKS !!!

 

Funeral

HEART SURGEON'S FUNERAL

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red
roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their
good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the
heart closed again.

It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why
are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a
Gynaecologist ........"
LOKLLOKLLOKL!!!

 

He he... he'll have a huge funeral (pun intended )

It must be hugely frustrating being a gynie, don't tell me it's just a job. There are things you just don't get used to, but I can tell you for better or worse they must be looking foreward going to work in the morning.

 

What can I say... I like jokes...

 

Fanie
I cannot understand that, I like the Philamon´s









.




.


in your jokes

 

Dear Peter,

I was merely fulfilling a request by Apex1 (who will be Apex2 on his next birtday)

What is your favourite topic... ?

Mas is right.... slump....sulk... sniff... sniff... poor us, have to build and live in our own jails.

 

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's 00house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no
movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

 

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne .
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and
they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep
for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill
for $450.00.


The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth
$450.00.


When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.


The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.


'But we didn't use them,' the man complains


'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He
goes
on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the
hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and
Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.


'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we
didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he
says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for
sleeping with my
wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could
have!'

 

Doctor in Dublin

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached
his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So, Murphy how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him
Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says
Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the
doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears
off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and
lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:


'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any
man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.




( wait )...................




"I put drops in her eyes."

 

Ive never been to Addis Ababa, for one thing I could'nt spell it till now.

Put drops in her eyes!!!