Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

You have to remember the last space shuttle accident... last words on the cockpit voice recorder were "Go on, let HER have a drive "...

 

Ok Frosty, I changed the menu so you can afford it too now

 

Still too much - that was the promotion, the beer is the product to sell....

 

Cheese...

Hello...

What would you call a piece of cheese that does not belong to you...

NACHO CHEESE...

SH.

 

Seems to me he's considering it though...

 

Oh yes, Frosty (the avatar - loves booze - The actual man may be a quiet hard working boatie letting off steam anonymously)

 

I heard he said he gave up drinking, smoking and wiemen, he just never stopped to lie...

 

How men amuse themselves in Tesco's
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used i t as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

 

Masta Rod

"'ello, boss Rod? Uhm .. this is Philemon, the gardener at your country estate. I have been trying for to speak with boss now many days."

"Ah yes, Philemon. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Masta Rod, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the National competition?"

"eYebo boss, that's is the one."

"Dam! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird."

"What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Masta Rod"

"Rotten meat? Who in this world fed him rotten meat?"

"eNobody, boss. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Masta Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"eYebo boss Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, boss"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Boss! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the!!?? ... Are you saying that my house is destroyed because of a candle??!! "

"eYes boss Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Masta Rod."

"WHAT BLOODYFUNERAL?"

"Of your madam wife, boss Rod ... She showed up one night when telling nobody she was coming and I thought she was a robber, so I hit her with boss's new Tiger Woods Limited Edition Nike Driver."

SILENCE...................,


LONG SILENCE.......................,


AND MORE SILENCE ..............................,


finally .......................,

"Philemon, if you broke that driver, you are in deep, deep sh*t!"

 

Lie Detector

> The Lie Detector
>
> John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.
>
> One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.
>
> At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.
>
> 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.
>
> 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
>
> The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
>
> 'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'
>
> 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
>
> 'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.
>
> 'The Ten Commandments.'
>
> The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
>
> With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
>
> 'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'
>
> The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.
>
> When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
>
> The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped the **** out of her.
>






( Ok guys I don't hear anyone laughing WHERE ARE YOU ? )
Fanie
common mate
David

 

Australian selling bricks

Dont mess with this guy, he's rock'ard........

 

We've all made this mistake before........

 

'kin hilarious

 

I guess we all sympathise with the poor bike owner too eh......I still have my bikes in the back shed though....maybe he needs a new wife, not the money for his old bike.

 

I got 4 bikes and Ille buy a fcking nother if I want to. The worst thing she can say is no---no what--I cant buy a bike?, go pack a bag, I dont care who's it is --yours or mine, just pack one.

Its amazing how quick they can wise up. Next minute I have a beer at my side, thats more fcking like it.

Cripes let me get this off the screen before she sees it.