Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

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I just noticed there did not appear to be collection point for boat related jokes on this forum. So here goes...

Boating, a mental disorder?


DIVINE MADNESS

As a marine professional - one who prepares wood, then applies varnish to so called pleasure boats - I have written to the President of the American Psychiatric Association in the hope he will include a new mental disorder in the next edition of their psychiatric bible, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM).

The little-understood affliction is called Recreational Boat Ownership (RBO). RBO is characterized by some anal retentive/obsessive-compulsive behavior, the use of strange words to describe common structures, objects, and actions, clearly illogical spending habits, and a nearly-perpetual state of denial. There is no known cure.

The obsessive-compulsive nature of RBOs is exhibited by their Sisipheon attempts to keep things "shipshape." It involves the anal retentive use of numerous - and sometimes noxious - liquids and solids to almost constantly clean and lubricate various boat parts. And RBO sufferers uniformly label boat parts with names even stranger than doctors call body parts. As a mental health professional, you'll be shocked to learn that to RBOs, a 'wall' becomes a 'bulkhead', a'ceiling' becomes an 'overhead', and the toilet becomes, simply, a 'head'. Any group which sees their heads as toilets definitely needs help.

Sailboat owners - a subculture of RBOs - are among the worst. They constantly demonstrate classic passive-aggressive signs by not sailing directly into the wind but avoiding such a course with sly manipulations they call tacking. They become models of self-victimization - with traces of a persecution complex - when they encounter no wind. They call that state 'in irons'. And they show their grandiosity by terming bow platforms 'pulpits', and motorized yachts 'stink pots'.

Nowhere have I seen such mental illness as with the people who hire me to prepare and varnish their objects of dementia. Sure, after spending reasonable amounts of good money to have me carefully remove the old finish, finely sand the underlying wood and apply coats of high-quality varnish for an amazingly beautiful finish, they say things like "Great!" "Looks better than new!" and "You've got a true art for restoring neglected wood." But they're only fooling themselves. For at best, an RBO sufferer - like all mankind - can only temporarily conquer the elements.

RBO victims are not in total denial when it comes to their illogical spending habits. Many call their vessels "holes in the water into which you pour money." Yet they keep buying them. And they keep demonstrating their psychosis - their complete loss of touch with reality - by enjoying them. It's proof positive the whole lot is masochistic.

This is why I petition you to list RBO in your next edition of the DSM. At the least, it will make the millions of RBO sufferers eligible for medical benefits under the Americans with Disabilities Act so they can get help.

Many have, instead, spent their last penny getting their latest RBO fix. For these clearly touched souls act out Plato's maxim, listed in his Dialogues, when he opined: "But what is man's logical reasoning, compared to the power of divine madness?""


Fredric Alan Maxwell aka 'Fred the Finisher'
Copyright 2006 by Fredric Alan Maxwell. All rights reserved.
(I met Fred yesterday morning at a coffee shop in Wash DC, and he gave me permission to place this on the forum. Brian)

 

Boating, Fishing, Siesta

The following story was found posted at the Club Cruceros in La Paz, Mexico:

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish.

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, and stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spendmore time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles, and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen to 20 years."

"But what then, señor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your companies stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions, señor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

 

How to Sell (fishing gear)

A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down...

"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64 !! What the hell did you sell ?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

 

Sea Fever, in a Hi-Tech SailBoat

I must go down to the sea again, in a modern high-tech boat,
And all I ask is electric, for comfort while afloat,
And alternators, and solar panels, and generators going,
And deep cycle batteries with many amperes flowing.

I must go down to the sea again, to the autopilot’s ways,
And all I ask is a GPS, and a radar, and displays,
And a cell phone, and a weatherfax, and a shortwave radio,
And compact disks, computer games and TV videos.

I must go down to the sea again, with a freezer full of steaks,
And all I ask is a microwave, and a blender for milkshakes,
And a watermaker, air-conditioner, hot water in the sink,
And e-mail and a VHF to see what my buddies think.

I must go down to the sea again, with power-furling sails,
And chart displays of all the seas, and a bullhorn for loud hails,
And motors pulling anchor chains, and push-button sheets,
And programs which take full charge of tacking during beats.

I must go down to the sea again, and not leave friends behind,
And so they never get seasick we’ll use the web online,
And all I ask is an Internet with satellites over me,
And beaming all the data up, my friends sail virtually.

I must go down to the sea again, record the humpback whales,
Compute until I decipher their language and their tales,
And learn to sing in harmony, converse beneath the waves,
And befriend the gentle giants as my synthesizer plays.

I must go down to the sea again, with RAM in gigabytes,
and teraflops of processing for hobbies that I like,
And software suiting all my wants, seated at my console
And pushing on the buttons which give me complete control.

I must go down to the sea again, my concept seems quite sound,
But when I simulate this boat, some problems I have found.
The cost is astronomical, repairs will never stop,
Instead of going sailing, I’ll be shackled to the dock.

I must go down to the sea again, how can I get away?
Must I be locked in low-tech boats until my dying day?
Is there no cure for my complaint, no technologic fix?
Oh, I fear this electric fever is a habit I can’t kick.

a parody on the poem, Sea Fever (the Call of the Running Tide)

 

Here is one.

When building and outfitting goes slowly and it seems it will never be done.
- Don't worry there is not one (boat) that remained ashore.

And when you finally finish with the work you throw it all in the sea.

 

B.o.a.t.

So you want a boat?
The definition of: B. reak O. ut A. nother T. housand

 

Two prawns, Harry and Christian were walking along the ocean floor when suddenly "POOF!" Out jumped a Cod. Harry and Christian were startled but the Cod said, "don't be frightened, I am a magic Cod, I can grant you a wish. I can turn you into any other sea creature that you want to be."

Harry was really excited and said, "I would like to be a Shark, because everybody respects a shark and I will be the boss of the ocean."

Suddenly Harry turns into a Shark and swims off.

Turning to Christian, the Magic Cod says, "What about you Christian, what would you like to be?"

Christian shrugged his shoulders and said, "I'm happy being a prawn thanks all the same."

So the Magic Cod left and Christian scuttled off home.

As the months went by Harry was getting tired of being a Shark as nobody liked him and all the other sea creatures were scared of him so he spent months seareching for the Magic Cod so he could be released from his spell.

Suddenly, POOF! the Magic Cod appeared before him. "Please Magic Cod Harry pleaded, please turn me back into a prawn. Harry explained why he hated being a Shark so, the Magic Cod turns him back into a Prawn.

Harry was excited and the first thing he wanted to do was go and see his old friend Christian.

Harry knocked on Christian's door.

"Who's there," cried Christian.

"It's me, Harry your old friend"

"Go away," replied Christian. "You're a Shark, if I open the door you will eat me."

"No, no," said Harry. "I'm a Prawn again Christian."

 

IT Manager Stranded on an Island

An ambitious I.T. Manager finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowing boat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the boat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowing boat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing:


"You mean-- ?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

 

and... could he ?

One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw another blonde on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ***".


A couple was touring a shipyard area in a coastal city of Italy when they saw a strange looking craft. They stopped and asked a worker, "Sir, is that a U-boat? "No," he replied, shesa belonga to da goverment."

 

Can't let the Boat Joke Thread dissappear. So here goes.

The sole survivor from a ship wreck was washed ashore in a deserlate place in Australia. And we got lots.

For a day he wandered around looking for a sign of life and in particular water.

He finally spotted an Australian Aboriginal, he walked up to him and asked if he could have a drink of water.

"No, can't 'help yer mate, but I got some ripper school ties, like there's this one 'ere from a Catholic College, one 'ere from an Anglican College."

"No," said the man, "I just want a drink of water."
"Sorry, can't 'elp yer cobber," the Aboriginal said. And walked off.

The second day the survivor was on his knees when he spotted another aboriginal.

"I want water," his dried throat rasped.
"Na, sorry mate," said the Aboriginal, "but I got some great bowties, 'ere's a great spotted bowtie, and I got a striped one, and 'ere's a bloody beaudy with little lights."

"No, please," the man pleaded, "I just need some water."
the Aboriginal replied, "Sorry mate, aint got no water." Ans he walked off.

On the third day the man was crawling, hardly able to keep the weight of his body up on his hands and knees.

Great another Aboriginal, surely he has some water.

"Please, water," his dry throat could hardly speak as he repeated, "water."

"G'day mate," said the Aboriginal. "Sorry, can't help you with water, but it's your lucky day, because my mate I have some fantastic ties. Look at this one, silk, of course I have synthetic, look at this inexpensive but smart rayon tie. Of coursae you can't go past this cool looking cotton tie."

"Haa--a--wa--ter," the man said almost inaudible.

"What," said the Aboriginal. "water, sorry mate, no water , just ties."

On the fourth day the shipwreck survivor was dragging himself along the ground and was on the verge of death when he saw in the distance a magnificant hotel. Thinking it may be a mirage he kept going slowly dragging himself forward. Finally he got to the steps leading up to the front door and it was then he realised it was not a mirage because he could feel the hard edges of the stone steps as he dragged himself over them.

He reached the door, without the strength to knock, he feebly tapped on the glass.

The doorman hearing the tapping opened the door.

Finally after four days he was saved, he reached up to the doorman his lips too cracked and dried, to speak.

As the doorman slammed the door in face he said, "Sorry Sir, you can't come in here without a tie."

 

From Scuttlebutt. Just take it the nutty way.

"SCUTTLEBUTT POLL: RULE 69 REVIEW
The....Board is empowered to hand out the
penalties for Rule 69 infringements (Allegation of Gross Misconduct).
Historically, these decisions are made well after the incident. Considering
that the punishment is often harsh, it is imperative that sufficient time is
taken to insure a thorough investigation is completed. However, it is also
during this investigative time where the significance of the event is
gradually lost, and the strength of message that such behavior shall not
occur is lessened.

 

Fish Story

A Wisconsin man was stopped by a Game Warden in northern Wisconsin
recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for it's fishing.

The game warden asked the man,
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Nah, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim around for awhile.
Then I whistle and they jump back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS. Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and said,
"It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this."

The man poured the fish back into the river and waited. After several
minutes the warden turned to the man and said,
"Well?"

"Well what?"

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in Wisconsin may not be as smart as some, but we're not at dumb as most."

 

Then there's the classic:

" Sir, we seem to have a light...."
" Where ? "
" Dead ahead, sir...."
" Well tell the blighter, we are an aircraft carrier
- and for them to change course !"
" They seem to be refusing....."
" Signal them - that I am the Admiral of the fleet
- and I order them to move aside. Now !!"
'' ....ah...Sir, they are responding....."
" Well, out with it man - what are they saying ?
'' ....we are a Light House..."

Cheers !

 

The manager of a large shipyard noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"Jack," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is Jack Darling."

"Okay, Jack, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

 

Boat jokes...

Not exactly boat jokes - but a selection of one-liners (so I suppose liners count as jokes....)


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?


Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is 'Walrus', and I am an alcoholic'?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

Universal Truths

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed halfway through and then raced against the flush.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

You never ever run out of salt.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

OK - you can go back to the forum now....