Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

It seems to work in Safari.

Anyhoo, just on case here's the link to this classic SNL skit: https://youtu.be/Ht7Jmp4tZsk

 

Thanks, anywho.

I had already found it by other means.

Simply quote what looks like a blank post and the youtube link shows up in the write box.

 

Old joke somewhat in role-play:

Old dad come back from the water with his boat and hits a buoy. Result a big scratch along side the starboardside of the boat. He gets of to the house where he finds his daughter and future son in Law. They ask wether they could use the boat for romatic midnight sailing. Sure no problem and the young couple went of sailing.

The sailing was perfect when the couple returns, but the son discoveres the scratch. He thinks this is the end , but skillfull as he is repairs the scratch which takes a night.

Next day the father went looking for his ship and surprise surprise. The scratch is gone!
In utterly amazement he runs back to his house where he finds his daughter awake with a very solid sleeping partner.

He yells: YESTERDAY, I WENT OUT SAILING AND i MADE A SCRATCH ALONG THE STARBOARD OF THE BOAT. AND NOW: COMPLETE GONE. WHAT DID YOU DO?

(not everyone finds this joke funny but I think it is a touching sailing story)
Better open a thread touching sailing stories.

 

At the risk of sounding completely dense, has something been left out in translation here

 

Man has boat and daughter.

Daughter marries a guy who knows how to fix boats.

For the life of me I just can't see this as a bad arrangement.

 

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND ***: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-***s around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

 

Consider that one stolen!

 

funny Im stilling it as well

 

I know this is a year old but I actually missed a Triumph Spitfire that was sold because of this exact thing. No, I'm not kidding. She sold it fully restored for $400 and I missed it by 30 minutes.

 

Reality is the funniest when proven.

http://www.amazon.com/Sugar-Free-Gu...=dp_db_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

Drums in the deep.... They are coming
Byzeek4540on May 14, 2015
Verified Purchase
I looked at the reviews online and thought it would be fun to see if the stories are true. So the morning of my test for Staff Sergeant I checked my mail and saw that they had arrived. In my excitement I did not think. I ate a few handfuls between test to pass the time. They are very sweet and taste great but don't let the cute bears fool you. They are after your poopers soul. Halfway through my second test I felt a rumble.i looked to see if people were running from an earth quake, but it wasn't so. Surely that couldn't have been me. Another, and another then a squeaker. Oh no. What had I done, to leave the room for any reason would be to forfeit the test. A hot sweat came creeping on the back of my neck reaching to my forehead. I began to think was this pain worth my future, and then a thought. Was my future worth this pain. In between not so silent attempts to relieve the stress my stomach rumbled and glugged like a flooded engine. I can do this I told myself. I must do this. 10 questions to go. I summoned all my knowledge and prayed to any god that would listen to deliver me from this curse. As I went I could feel the glare of those unfortunate around me. It didn't matter if I didn't hurry they would have a lot more to see. 3. 2. 1. FINISHED. As I ran to the front of room half covered in sweat I waited for her to say I was clear before jolting to the bathroom. As I pulled down my pants it began. With a sizzle and shots of fury it felt like I had put a Roman candle and a sparkler inside of me. I wondered if this was purgatory or the inferno. The minutes dragged on for what seemed like forever. Finally; all was still. I made it. It was finally over. Or was it..

10/10 ruined me for life. Would recommend
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174 of 190 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 starsSo Much Butthurt!
ByRobin C. Campbellon January 6, 2015
Verified Purchase
These delicious hell bears deserve a special place in dantes' inferno for what they did to me and my poor toilet. The unspeakable noises I created whilst under the spell of these demon gummies cannot be reproduced by any known creature or device. The farts are even worse. I scared the cat. The dog ran away. My family has disowned me. I can only hope I can convince some other poor soul to take the rest of the five lb. Bag in hopes of passing along this monkey paw curse I brought upon myself.
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32 of 34 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 starsThey did their job
Byjeffrey denningon August 4, 2015
Verified Purchase
First off they are delicious; however I did not buy them for me to eat them. Someone in my shop was eating the food and candy off of my desk. Apparently they cannot refuse a big bowl of gummy bears. A few hand fulls are of sugar free gummy bears and about an hour later and I see a person running to the bathroom. Needless to say, they will not be eating anything off of my desk again.
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15 of 15 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 starsFive Stars
BySuzie Lamon April 10, 2015
Verified Purchase
These are colon cleansers and they are tasty!
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59 of 71 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 starsI'm am in a gas station bathroom stall 4 miles ...
ByJackon February 13, 2015
Verified Purchase
I'm am in a gas station bathroom stall 4 miles north of the Columbus and 71 North split and there are, literally, gargoyles trying to escape my rectum as a result of eating these devilishly delicious treats on a road trip to Cleveland from Indianapolis.
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23 of 26 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 starsFive Stars
ByBlake Curryon March 15, 2015
Verified Purchase
did its job and made me cry
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63 of 79 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 starsI felt a terrible rumbling in my stomach
ByBiggyon January 21, 2015
Only 30 minutes after eating ~40 pieces of this, I felt a terrible rumbling in my stomach. I rushed to the bathroom, only for the four horseman of the apocalypse to come out of my backside. Stuff I've never even eaten before was in my poop. Do NOT take to a sporting event. The taste of the gummy bears, for a sugar free product, was good, though, would recommend..
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12 of 13 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 starsA magical mystery tour of fast food Restaurant bathrooms on my commute!
ByTim Bilobranon August 29, 2015
My boss left these on the desk as a joke. I have quite the sweet tooth and chowed down on them. I was wondering why my boss was snickering at me. They were tasty and delicious at the time.

I have a 40 minute commute normally home from work. That night I had to stop at a Carl's Jr, Wendy's, & a Domino's. At Domino's I had to plead to use the employee bathroom in the kitchen because they didn't have one for customers. The unholy demon spawn they came out of my rectum in Dominos probably seeped into everyone's pizza that was cooking. My 40 minute commute took me 2 hours.

Still though - the taste was great. 6 stars! Would recommend! Note to self - keep paper towels in car to stuff in pants after eating these.
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8 of 8 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 starsI s*** my pants while stuck in a touch free car wash, and now I'm an atheist.
BySMon October 28, 2015
I ate a bunch of them at my mom's house while visiting, then decided to give the truck a cleaning. I felt farty while l was selecting and paying for the wash, with no indication of the emergency that was coming. Once I got into the car wash, it was code red emergency - butt clenching, tooth grinding, praying to the gods that the wash would end. Despite praying to any and all gods, they ignored my pleading, and the door in front of me remained closed. I ordered the deluxe wash with extra foam bath and clear coat rinse, and these wonderful extras probably cost me more than $2 extra - they cost me a pair of boxers and expensive jeans that were beyond repair. My mom is always constipated, so I think that's why she gave me no warning. They probably just made her more regular.

I s*** my pants while stuck in a touch free car wash, and now I'm an atheist. They tasted good though, so 4 stars. Would have given 5 stars if there were blackberry flavored bears.
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6 of 6 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 starsSugar free gummy bears eh? More like demon babies...
ByMs. Awesome Sauceon September 4, 2015
If you want a demon in your bathroom, let the fun begin. If not, don't bother shooting liquid rockets out of your rectum. I wouldn't wish this on my worstest enemy. Please, if you do get these, bring your phone and a charger, because you are going to be in their for the rest of your life... As for your poor toilet, I would recommend getting a new one. If you have a devilish/prankster attitude, please, give (a few handfuls) to your coworkers, and let the fun begin.

My Story:

So I was having a family road trip. Yay! I might as well get some of these for the ride there. Said my unsuspecting self. This was a few days of driving. So, I bought this. I ate a few, then a few more, soon, almost the entire bag was in my hateful stomach. It pleaded and cried. But no, these demon babies were so soft, so good. I did not listen. Soon came the trumpets of hell... Coming from my rectum. I swear I was in that bathroom for a day. When I came out, I went all Alan Parrish on everybody. "What year is it?!" "I was in Jumanji!" But no, people were running out of the bathroom as soon as they opened the door. I had eaten a whole bag of these hellish demon baby bears.

EAT AT YOUR OWN RISK

I scared the cats in that car ride.

However I do think I shot out a quarter I accidently swallowed back in '99. It is a wonderful laxative. Just don't fall asleep I the toilet. Now that I think about, you have to hold on for dear life to not go flying off the toilet with chocolate cannon balls following you.

Would definitely get again! But I would definitely leave a suicide note...

taste great, good texture, good cleanse.
BySteven m.on November 13, 2015
Verified Purchase
My step daughter is living with us for a period of time with her four children. I'm an evil papa that hates not being listened to. I'm also diabetic. I decided on these five pounds of sugar free gummies to have a small treat here and there for, oh, the next six months or so.

When the package arrived yesterday I was asked what it was by my five year old grandson and when I told him "candy for grandma and I" right away I was met with a barrage of CANIHAVESOME??CANIHAVESOME??CANIHAVESOME??? by he and his nine year old brother. "Sure, but not too many."

I poured a bowlful and turned to them immediately and said "you can have a few, but don't eat too many." Then I sat down and let nature take it's course. Oddly enough both boys found walking around aimlessly around the kitchen, quiet as all can be, very entertaining. Not much was spoken for the next few minutes. After a little under ten minutes they up and ran outside to go play. I walked into the kitchen and found the bowl empty.

The fuse had been lit.

I, of course, wanting a few gummy bears myself, kindly refilled the bowl, leaving the five pound bag down about a quarter of its original content.

I sat back down in the living room and waited. A few minutes later, both boys were back and, as expected, again, back to milling around in the kitchen, making little noise. "Guys, seriously, I said you can have a few. You're not eating them all, right?" "No!" "OK."

Another ten minutes, another check on the second bowl, and half the gummies were gone. Good, good, that should do just nicely.

I moved the bowl out of reach, scolded the boys for not listening and then quietly made my way around the house to make sure the bathrooms all had plenty of paper.

It wasn't forty five minutes after that, just over an hour after the first bowl was poured, that the nine year old rushes into the house and straight for the bathroom. Ten minutes later he immerged, looking a little peaked. His brother, meanwhile, the five year old started to state he didn't feel well, he needed water, he had played too hard outside. Wrong. Oh, you don't know how wrong you are.

Not more than fifteen minutes later, having stayed in the dining room trying to rest, I see him RUN into the bathroom. I smirked. "Only have a few." I warned them several times. Directly.

What happened next I can barely describe. You know the sound, in Ghostbusters, when they open the fridge in Dana's apartment? Those sounds started to emminate from my bathroom, presumably from my five year old grandson. I swear I heard "Zool". I, being concerned, asked if everything was OK. I received no answer, only more dying dinosaur noises. I gave it a few minutes before going in to check on him.

I found him on the toilet, black candles burning in the corners, and a pentagram crudely painted on the floor. The stench was almost more than I could stand. He was talking in tongues, chanting off and on, and gripping the sides of the bowl like some force was trying to push him off from within. I took a picture. I want to frame it for him with the caption "I said 'take a few.' Did you not listen to me?" This will be one of his Christmas presents.

I turned all the lights on, blew out the candles and swept the pentagram with my shoe, content that a lesson had been learned. When the smoke cleared the poor child fell, almost lifeless, in my arms. I tossed him in the tub and used the shower hose to clean him up. It looked like an acrid explosion of feces had happened.

Tomorrow I have a priest coming, a plumber, and a sewer inspector. Both my grandsons are feeling better. The last half bowl of gummy bears still remains. I've had two or three since then.

They taste great, are nice and soft, and I would buy these again. Great product, great price, highly recommended!

 

That's pretty rough.

 

Not a joke, but this will make you laugh so hard you'll cry.

http://www.amazon.com/Veet-Hair-Removal-Creme-200ml/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

A warning from across the pond...
ByA. Chappellon July 3, 2012
Package Quantity: 1
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...


NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS
ByRandy Amaruson May 11, 2012
Package Quantity: 1
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)


new lease on life
By"Bad" Ideaon September 11, 2012
Package Quantity: 1
For years i had wondered what little Jim (because you go there for a work out) would look like with a new and stylish hair cut. Stephan, my hair dresser, has always recommended that I get my eye brows waxed as he claims it would open up my eyes and remove 10 to 15 pounds of hair from my brow, easing strain on my neck and preventing scratching my corneas prematurely.

So i thought, why stop at the eye brows. Surely Jim deserves a new lease on life as well. I mean, he gets very hot in there and begins to smell like a giants sock that got left in the corner of the bathroom for two weeks following playing in a mud puddle.

As any male would do, I paid off reading the label. If i didn't read them when replacing the brakes on my grandmas 1992 Pintara, I certainly wouldn't for this. Setting myself up for success, I attempted this after enjoying six scotches (to numb the pain) and lowered myself into a dry bath with the plan of banging on the water when the time was up to scrub away what resembled tom seleck wearing an oversized spider on his head. I imagined the warm water rushing over the smooth as eggs marbles and a deceptively bigger looking Jim. Jim would frolic in the water while I lavished attention on him, and we would be the happier for it.

Needless to say, 30 mins later i woke up to a piercing scream that sounded somewhere between Alanis Morrisette singing opera and a baboon that just ate its own turd for the first time. It took me a few minutes to realise that this sound was emitting from my own throat. Jim now resembled a midget in a bright red swim suit cowering in fear in the corner of a room, sitting on an equally bright red bean bag.

It has now been 2 weeks. The medicated hand lotion that I rub into the team hourly has eased most of the pain. Pants are now able to be worn when moving around without Jim causing my brain to implode, and he is now able to be handled without the use of a soft felt cloth, cotton balls and a lot of TLC.

All in all, I would recommend the experience to all. It now looks like two slightly sunburnt looking "`Mini-me's" hanging below a more resourceful, more dynamic, more capable and certainly a well groomed Jim. Of a side note, both my parents and the treating doctors at the emergency ward commented on how smooth and well groomed the package looks. It's a shame the rest of my body still looks like the wolf man having sex with a Yeti.


Calm Before the Storm
ByPYGMUSon April 26, 2014
Package Quantity: 1Verified Purchase
Veet and other Amazon reviewers warned me not to put this product on certain ... sensitive areas of my body. I decided years ago that I never want children of my own, so I ignored these warnings.

Lo, though I soon learned that the prophets which spake of Hell fire verily spake truth!

Within 5 seconds of applying the product to these forbidden regions I felt an increasingly intense burning sensation. Choosing to see this as a challenge to my masculinity I laughed to myself and proceeded to wait for the remainder of the 4 minutes. Sweat was beginning to form on my forehead, but it was finally time to use the little, plastic scrapper thing to rid myself of those cursed hairs.

First swipe with the scrapper - my mouth surely dropped open in horror at the pain. I clearly remember looking down to ensure that only hair was removed and not skin!

Second swipe - random expletives and nervous laughter.

Third swipe - whimpering. Seriously.

Then I got the bright idea of watering down the Veet before continuing with the hair scrapping. I hoped for merciful, healing waters. Instead, the fiery lake of Beelzebub descended upon my flesh!

Realizing then that water was only going to re-activate the now partially dried up Veet, I hurried scrapped off more and more hair. Hobbling to my shower I decided that i would instead wash the Veet and my hair off as fast as I could.

After 15 minutes of washing myself in the shower over and over the pain had greatly subsided. It was finally over! Happily drying myself I remember laughing and thinking "I must have a really high pain tolerance", once more confident in my masculinity.

Then, to my horror I realized that not only was the pain gone, but that I no longer felt hardly any thing down there! Like a deer staring at headlights I stared downwards while my mind screamed "... did they die?!!"

Lotion - I hastily found my savior and baptized myself with its cool, soothing relief. Ever so slight burning sensation ... mild burning ... very hot burning ... suddenly I felt the pain of a thousand paper-cuts exposed to jalepeno peppers!

Sprinting to my nearby box fan I stood there shaking, hoping for salvation. The cool air changed nothing. I ignored the warnings of the prophets and there would be no mercy for me! For the next 20 or so minutes I paced back and forth desperately waiting for the punishment of my transgression to cease.

Oddly, the pain did cease and quite suddenly. I think that numbness has set in, like when you eat waaay too many hot peppers. Maybe my skin just died. Either way, my trials and tribulations are over, so I am truly joyous!

Heed the words of warning inscribed on the Veet bottle - spare yourself the flames.


Manscaping my eye!!
ByJustin Johnon June 4, 2014
Package Quantity: 1
So, there I was, thinking that I would never need to remove hair from anywhere on my person. One day my wife tells me that I need some manscaping, whatever that is. Well, she starts plucking eyebrows, nosehair etc.. Calls me a baby the whole time, but that stuff hurts, so whatever. I thought to myself "how bad could it be?". I stripped down in the bathroom, took one of my wifes hand held mirrors, put that bad boy below and I was shocked to see what looked like a 90 year old, one eyed salty pirate looking back at me. I decided that before my wedding tackle gets plucked one by one, I'll head it off at the pass, which brought me here, looking up hair removal products.

A few things you will need for this, all of which can be found here on Amazon:

1: Glad 2 ply bags, or an old pair of fishing waders and scissors.
2: A roll of duct tape, or gorilla tape.
3: Rubber Gloves
4: A roll of crime scene tape
5: Multiple Ice Packs
6: Pain Killers (not optional)
7: Veet for men hair removal gel creme

Take the glad 2 ply bag and cut 3 holes in it, one for each leg and the third right smack dab in the middle. If you are using fishing waders, you just have to cut one hole.

Take the roll of duct tape and apply liberally arount the bottoms of the holes, making what looks like a large black diaper on a 300 lbs man. You can also use the duct tape to apply the crime scene area tape accross the bathroom door, or wherever you decide to do this. You don't want people walking in on this process, trust me.

Put the ice packs on the side for later use.

Take as many pain killers as possible before and after.

Put on the rubber gloves and apply on all areas uncovered by the diaper.

I don't remember using the ice packs, but if you make it longer than I did, they may be helpful.

If this goes anything like mine did, you shouldn't need anymore manscaping. It was 753.43 for the ambulance ride and about 2310.00 for the ER and a 1 night stay in the psych ward. I tried to explain to them what I was doing, but the EMS folks described the scene to the doctors and that's where things wen't downhill.

Anyway, I no longer have that same Pirate looking back at me, just a nice wrinkled old Mr. Clean. 5 star product.


Works but use it at your own risk (skin burn, and not worth the risk)
ByAmazon Customeron May 24, 2015
Package Quantity: 1Verified Purchase
The one reason I am giving 1 star is that this does not mention it's expiry date! It does mention to test small area before using but why not in the world mention expiry date? Or is there no expiry date for this product?

I have been using this for the past 2 years and yesterday when I used it, my skin started to burn like hell! I immediately rinsed off. But damage was already done. Look at the pictures. It's burned like hot boiling water
review image review image


Hazin' & Blazin'
ByS.Hamiltonon September 12, 2014
Package Quantity: 1
After reading the reviews on this site I thought that using this product for rush week at our frat house would be pretty funny. Man was I dead wrong. The story I've told my lawyer over & over again goes like this. We snuck into one of our pledges rooms one night & liberally applied to his, at the time, tiny young pale berries. We then snuck out of his room & waited 5 minutes to hear what could only be described as a high pitched shrill shriek of death, like the sound of a cat being run over by a lawnmower. He barreled through the door & came at us with the veracity of a mother ape & we had stolen her child. He lunged at us & pleaded for help. With desperation in his eyes I caught a glimpse of his once tiny appendages, now gigantic purple & apple looking in form. Foaming at the mouth & tears streaming from his eyes he said one simple thing in a tone I will never forget. "Help me" he whispered. We quickly drug him to Billy's room since he was the only one we knew with a mini fridge with a freezer in it & the bathroom was on the second floor. We kicked open the door knocking over Billy's hookah in the process. We ripped open Billy's freezer & began rubbing one frozen item after another onto his now heirloom tomatoes with elephantiasisish stuff. I've honestly never before heard the sounds that came out of him nor will I probably ever again. I believe that there were tongues not spoken in a thousand years emanating from this young mans inner being. I have never been more afraid in my life. His eyes burned a bright red as if to be turning the same color as his now softball sized nuggets. The only relief came in a form of a can of fresca & a frozen bag of peas applied to the affected area. Clean as a whistle but still red as the devils dick we went up to the second floor to use the bathroom to wash off the remaining cream. Bad idea. Apparently water activates it even further, just pushing it around infecting other sensitive areas where hair also grows. Knowing there was no more fresca in house we tried a plethora of other sodas to no avail. A popsicle shoved into a place where no one ever dreams they would ever have one shoved was enough to quiet the screams momentarily. Just then we smelled smoke & realized the hookah that we knocked over in Billy's room had started the house on fire. Well, after the emergency room visit & 7 hours with the police department & fire department I'm out on bail & awaiting trial on the 4 felony counts & 2 misdemeanors I've been ridiculously charged with. Lucky for most the only real loss we had was the communal fish tank in which we were pretty much replacing after every party we had anyway since someone was always puking in it. After all is said & done, I'm happy to report that our frat house is being rebuilt & the pledge has become an honorary member leading the cause to keep me kicked out. Talk about motivation. The doctors also told me that he will never ever grow hair in the regions that I applied this product so I definitely give it 5 stars.


worst dicision I made in 7 years is buying this product
ByDan Noguchion July 3, 2015
Package Quantity: 2Verified Purchase
basically melts your skin along with your hair..
hair comes back right away and I actually got permenant damage to my skin
only buy this if your trying to melt your skin

Perineum fashionista
ByGoochy Spruceon September 5, 2013
Package Quantity: 1
On a perfect whimsical summer evening frolicking with the spouse, I found a perfect reason to use this product deeply stored in my medicine cabinet. The berries were awaiting the tongue thrashing they've long awaited for quite some time now. Besides the area started to resemble two semi-merged strawberry mochis dropped, or freshly hatched baby bird, under a barber's chair after cutting Pete Wentz's hair that somehow bent and squiggled before landing on a linoleum floor (I digress). After applying a coat of this magical potion to my plums, I quickly came to the assertion that in when dealing with such a sensitive area one should take the right precautions to protect the objects of one's gender. There is not a day that goes by that I wish I was more precautious in using such a caustic substance on my ********. What once started as a cool sensation quickly turned to what felt like dipping one's own sack straight into a container filled with sulfuric acid mixed with an accelerator. As I attempted to extinguish the brush fire with water, the sensation, led by the trickling water, was voyaging to downtown browntown. This rapidly occurring phenomenon felt like burning gasoline furrowed by the incision of razor blade abruptly travelling to an area that once only felt the pain of a small razor nick. From that point, in my panic, I grabbed a thawing chicken from the refuse to aid in moderating the grease fire in my kitchen. There's no need to expand on the description on how badly decaying poultry mixed with burning flesh would be to one's olfactory cells, but I can go as far as saying the aroma was much like having gangrene on or near the anus whilst in the midst of defecating in a small wooden shack in the middle of the desert midday in August. Nonetheless, Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Crème works extremely well at removing those unsightly byproducts from your mammalian skin organ, if so desired, quick and discrete. This product has done an amazing job at keeping the jungle down under maintenance free for over a year. The doctor was so amazed on how well the product did that he, without a doubt, gave the prognosis that hair will never invade my undercarriage again. The scars for such an inexpensive permenant treatment were well worth paying less than $20 is well deserving of 5 stars from this satisfied customer. This is 1 truely happy reveiwer.


Pleaure and pain
Byjohn phillipson June 13, 2013
Package Quantity: 1
Being a regular bloke who watches Football and does not like watching the WWWF l had never even considered getting rid of the hair down below, this was before l discovered l had somehow got infected with 100's of tiny new friends down there.
Also being a regular bloke l never, ever read reviews which is why l own 2 ''Sunggies'' and one of those lights you attach to your forehead to help you read at night ( those things really, really hurt ).
l thought about just shaving but my hands tend to shake when l get excited , plus had no idea how to deal with the wrinkly bits, l was so excited to find this product in the local chemists ( funnily enough it was a full stack of them, no-one else had seemed to buy one before.
I got home and again being a normal bloke l smothered the whole tube over my bits.
As others have mentioned, the first minute or so is actually very good, l felt very much how a nice hotdog must feel.
Then it got hotter and hotter and even hotter, my 2 veg vanished for their own protection and ''Percy'' turned a almost beautiful shade of deep purple. The good thing was that my little friends got the heck out of there, some using Percy as a tiny ( by then ) gangplank, was very much like rats leaving a sinking ship.
I cannot describe the pain l felt, the closest l can come is a huge toothache....but a hot toothache, that's if your tooth was floppy and you were drinking battery acid, it hurt so bad it made the time l at on a wasps nest seem trivial, the bad thing is now its gone l kinda miss it.
Fear not my friends, l soon discovered that ''Dannon'' yogurt ( Peach if possible ) along with that squirty cream works great as a relief, though you keep having to put more on every 20 minutes or so, as a bonus it smells pretty nice as well.
Wonderful product, removes hair and also gets rid of unwanted visitors. 5 stars from me and l will buy again

 

So we were on holiday one Christmas in Barcelona and wandered into a typical Spanish restaurant which catered for the locals.

I was studying the menu when I noticed that the locals on the next table were waxing lyrical about the food on their plates.

They had called the waiter over and were singing the praises of a stew which they had all ordered.

When the waiter came over to my table I said " I'll have what they are eating".

The waiter said "I'm sorry Sir, we do not have any more of that dish today but if you like to order now for tomorrow we will be able serve you".

I immediately placed an order and asked "what was it they were eating anyway"?

The waiter replied "they were eating bulls testicles". "They were fresh from the bull ring this morning, you will understand why we only have a limited supply".

The next day we re visited the restaurant, sat down and was told "yes they had our order and that we should be aware that it was considered a great honour to be served with this dish".

When we had finished the waiter asked "have we enjoyed the meal"?

"Yes I said, but I was a little surprised that the size of my portion was some what smaller than those your customers received yesterday".

"Ah well" said the the waiter "you know sometimes the bull wins".

 

Grand theft comedy here....

 

Here's another review from amazon that should get you laughing and may give you evil ideas.

http://www.amazon.com/Sugar-Free-Gu...=dp_db_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

Drums in the deep.... They are coming
Byzeek4540on May 14, 2015
Verified Purchase
I looked at the reviews online and thought it would be fun to see if the stories are true. So the morning of my test for Staff Sergeant I checked my mail and saw that they had arrived. In my excitement I did not think. I ate a few handfuls between test to pass the time. They are very sweet and taste great but don't let the cute bears fool you. They are after your poopers soul. Halfway through my second test I felt a rumble.i looked to see if people were running from an earth quake, but it wasn't so. Surely that couldn't have been me. Another, and another then a squeaker. Oh no. What had I done, to leave the room for any reason would be to forfeit the test. A hot sweat came creeping on the back of my neck reaching to my forehead. I began to think was this pain worth my future, and then a thought. Was my future worth this pain. In between not so silent attempts to relieve the stress my stomach rumbled and glugged like a flooded engine. I can do this I told myself. I must do this. 10 questions to go. I summoned all my knowledge and prayed to any god that would listen to deliver me from this curse. As I went I could feel the glare of those unfortunate around me. It didn't matter if I didn't hurry they would have a lot more to see. 3. 2. 1. FINISHED. As I ran to the front of room half covered in sweat I waited for her to say I was clear before jolting to the bathroom. As I pulled down my pants it began. With a sizzle and shots of fury it felt like I had put a Roman candle and a sparkler inside of me. I wondered if this was purgatory or the inferno. The minutes dragged on for what seemed like forever. Finally; all was still. I made it. It was finally over. Or was it..

10/10 ruined me for life. Would recommend


So Much Butthurt!
ByRobin C. Campbellon January 6, 2015
Verified Purchase
These delicious hell bears deserve a special place in dantes' inferno for what they did to me and my poor toilet. The unspeakable noises I created whilst under the spell of these demon gummies cannot be reproduced by any known creature or device. The farts are even worse. I scared the cat. The dog ran away. My family has disowned me. I can only hope I can convince some other poor soul to take the rest of the five lb. Bag in hopes of passing along this monkey paw curse I brought upon myself.


They did their job
Byjeffrey denningon August 4, 2015
Verified Purchase
First off they are delicious; however I did not buy them for me to eat them. Someone in my shop was eating the food and candy off of my desk. Apparently they cannot refuse a big bowl of gummy bears. A few hand fulls are of sugar free gummy bears and about an hour later and I see a person running to the bathroom. Needless to say, they will not be eating anything off of my desk again.


I'm am in a gas station bathroom stall 4 miles ...
ByJackon February 13, 2015
Verified Purchase
I'm am in a gas station bathroom stall 4 miles north of the Columbus and 71 North split and there are, literally, gargoyles trying to escape my rectum as a result of eating these devilishly delicious treats on a road trip to Cleveland from Indianapolis.


felt a terrible rumbling in my stomach
ByBiggyon January 21, 2015
Only 30 minutes after eating ~40 pieces of this, I felt a terrible rumbling in my stomach. I rushed to the bathroom, only for the four horseman of the apocalypse to come out of my backside. Stuff I've never even eaten before was in my poop. Do NOT take to a sporting event. The taste of the gummy bears, for a sugar free product, was good, though, would recommend..


magical mystery tour of fast food Restaurant bathrooms on my commute!
ByTim Bilobranon August 29, 2015
My boss left these on the desk as a joke. I have quite the sweet tooth and chowed down on them. I was wondering why my boss was snickering at me. They were tasty and delicious at the time.

I have a 40 minute commute normally home from work. That night I had to stop at a Carl's Jr, Wendy's, & a Domino's. At Domino's I had to plead to use the employee bathroom in the kitchen because they didn't have one for customers. The unholy demon spawn they came out of my rectum in Dominos probably seeped into everyone's pizza that was cooking. My 40 minute commute took me 2 hours.

Still though - the taste was great. 6 stars! Would recommend! Note to self - keep paper towels in car to stuff in pants after eating these.

s*** my pants while stuck in a touch free car wash, and now I'm an atheist.
BySMon October 28, 2015
I ate a bunch of them at my mom's house while visiting, then decided to give the truck a cleaning. I felt farty while l was selecting and paying for the wash, with no indication of the emergency that was coming. Once I got into the car wash, it was code red emergency - butt clenching, tooth grinding, praying to the gods that the wash would end. Despite praying to any and all gods, they ignored my pleading, and the door in front of me remained closed. I ordered the deluxe wash with extra foam bath and clear coat rinse, and these wonderful extras probably cost me more than $2 extra - they cost me a pair of boxers and expensive jeans that were beyond repair. My mom is always constipated, so I think that's why she gave me no warning. They probably just made her more regular.

I s*** my pants while stuck in a touch free car wash, and now I'm an atheist. They tasted good though, so 4 stars. Would have given 5 stars if there were blackberry flavored bears.


sugar free gummy bears eh? More like demon babies...
ByMs. Awesome Sauceon September 4, 2015
If you want a demon in your bathroom, let the fun begin. If not, don't bother shooting liquid rockets out of your rectum. I wouldn't wish this on my worstest enemy. Please, if you do get these, bring your phone and a charger, because you are going to be in their for the rest of your life... As for your poor toilet, I would recommend getting a new one. If you have a devilish/prankster attitude, please, give (a few handfuls) to your coworkers, and let the fun begin.

My Story:

So I was having a family road trip. Yay! I might as well get some of these for the ride there. Said my unsuspecting self. This was a few days of driving. So, I bought this. I ate a few, then a few more, soon, almost the entire bag was in my hateful stomach. It pleaded and cried. But no, these demon babies were so soft, so good. I did not listen. Soon came the trumpets of hell... Coming from my rectum. I swear I was in that bathroom for a day. When I came out, I went all Alan Parrish on everybody. "What year is it?!" "I was in Jumanji!" But no, people were running out of the bathroom as soon as they opened the door. I had eaten a whole bag of these hellish demon baby bears.

EAT AT YOUR OWN RISK

I scared the cats in that car ride.

However I do think I shot out a quarter I accidently swallowed back in '99. It is a wonderful laxative. Just don't fall asleep I the toilet. Now that I think about, you have to hold on for dear life to not go flying off the toilet with chocolate cannon balls following you.

Would definitely get again! But I would definitely leave a suicide note...

taste great, good texture, good cleanse.
BySteven m.on November 13, 2015
Verified Purchase
My step daughter is living with us for a period of time with her four children. I'm an evil papa that hates not being listened to. I'm also diabetic. I decided on these five pounds of sugar free gummies to have a small treat here and there for, oh, the next six months or so.

When the package arrived yesterday I was asked what it was by my five year old grandson and when I told him "candy for grandma and I" right away I was met with a barrage of CANIHAVESOME??CANIHAVESOME??CANIHAVESOME??? by he and his nine year old brother. "Sure, but not too many."

I poured a bowlful and turned to them immediately and said "you can have a few, but don't eat too many." Then I sat down and let nature take it's course. Oddly enough both boys found walking around aimlessly around the kitchen, quiet as all can be, very entertaining. Not much was spoken for the next few minutes. After a little under ten minutes they up and ran outside to go play. I walked into the kitchen and found the bowl empty.

The fuse had been lit.

I, of course, wanting a few gummy bears myself, kindly refilled the bowl, leaving the five pound bag down about a quarter of its original content.

I sat back down in the living room and waited. A few minutes later, both boys were back and, as expected, again, back to milling around in the kitchen, making little noise. "Guys, seriously, I said you can have a few. You're not eating them all, right?" "No!" "OK."

Another ten minutes, another check on the second bowl, and half the gummies were gone. Good, good, that should do just nicely.

I moved the bowl out of reach, scolded the boys for not listening and then quietly made my way around the house to make sure the bathrooms all had plenty of paper.

It wasn't forty five minutes after that, just over an hour after the first bowl was poured, that the nine year old rushes into the house and straight for the bathroom. Ten minutes later he immerged, looking a little peaked. His brother, meanwhile, the five year old started to state he didn't feel well, he needed water, he had played too hard outside. Wrong. Oh, you don't know how wrong you are.

Not more than fifteen minutes later, having stayed in the dining room trying to rest, I see him RUN into the bathroom. I smirked. "Only have a few." I warned them several times. Directly.

What happened next I can barely describe. You know the sound, in Ghostbusters, when they open the fridge in Dana's apartment? Those sounds started to emminate from my bathroom, presumably from my five year old grandson. I swear I heard "Zool". I, being concerned, asked if everything was OK. I received no answer, only more dying dinosaur noises. I gave it a few minutes before going in to check on him.

I found him on the toilet, black candles burning in the corners, and a pentagram crudely painted on the floor. The stench was almost more than I could stand. He was talking in tongues, chanting off and on, and gripping the sides of the bowl like some force was trying to push him off from within. I took a picture. I want to frame it for him with the caption "I said 'take a few.' Did you not listen to me?" This will be one of his Christmas presents.

I turned all the lights on, blew out the candles and swept the pentagram with my shoe, content that a lesson had been learned. When the smoke cleared the poor child fell, almost lifeless, in my arms. I tossed him in the tub and used the shower hose to clean him up. It looked like an acrid explosion of feces had happened.

Tomorrow I have a priest coming, a plumber, and a sewer inspector. Both my grandsons are feeling better. The last half bowl of gummy bears still remains. I've had two or three since then.

They taste great, are nice and soft, and I would buy these again. Great product, great price, highly recommended!