Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Walt Kelly was a class act.

The Pogo strips were what hooked me into a lifelong addiction to comic strips....

 

http://www.igopogo.com/images/Wehavemet01.jpg

http://www.igopogo.com/we_have_met.htm

 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand steps begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. Good judgment comes from bad experiences, and a lot of those
come from bad judgment.

16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

18. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

21. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

The coaching staff of the Chicago Bears had almost put together the perfect team. The only thing that was missing was a truly great quarterback. The head coach had staff scout far and wide, all the colleges, Canada, Europe ... everywhere, but he just couldn't find a ringer who could ensure that Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw some war-zone footage out of the West Bank. It featured a young Israeli soldier who had been a promising footballer (rugby) before his stint, now almost up, with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

Then he threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brought him to the States and taught him the nuances of American football. With his astonishing arm and battle hardened leadership skills the Bears went on to win the Super Bowl.

Chicago fans went nuts and the young man is hailed as a sports hero.

From the locker room he called his mom: "Momma, I just won the Super Bowl!"

Silence for a moment and then ...

"I don't want to talk to you," she said in Hebrew, "You are not my son!"

"Momma? Please-"

"No! Let me tell you!" she said angrily, "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. Mobs in the streets. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers have been missing for hours now, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get *****!"

She sobbed for a moment, then: "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!"

 

Not a boat in sight - bit I can imagine this guy on a jet ski

 

Actually, that's not an uncommon way to load a BobCat. I've climbed up lower, non-ramp equipped trailers using the same technique.

 

Oh ? Can you give us the Youtube Link ?

 

Seriously, that's how you do it. Don't bother hiring anybody that can't do that. It just means they borrowed their uncle's machine to try to make a buck on Saturday. The guys that can do 360s on one wheel are the really good ones. Getting up on two wheels, or one wheel, greatly reduces tire wear. If you are spreading ten truckloads of gravel with one, you charge the pile on the back two tires, lunging at the pile to get a full bucket. Then you reverse and pivot on two wheels to drive off. They do this a few hundred times every day.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=VaDV3vxnQZc

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oei2lB9MBo0

 

This may have been posted before, if so, I apologise.

A steward opens one of the store rooms and finds a stowaway, a pretty blonde girl in her early twenties.

She is taken to the Captain.

So, you're not on the passenger manifest, you have no ticket, no passport in fact no papers or ID whatsoever - I hope you have a good explanation for hiding in one of my ships stores?

I'm very sorry Captain, I didn't mean to. You see my boyfriend left me and I lost my job, I'm way behind on the rent, I went out for a drink and ended up having a massive arguement with my best friend, ran out of the bar crying leaving my handbag behind, It was after midnight, too late to catch the bus and I had no money for a Taxi without my bag. So I started to walk home and after 10 minutes I broke the heel off my shoe, I screamed out "Can this night get any worse!" and that was when it started to rain... I ended up sobbing in a shop doorway.

Must of been there sobbing for an hour and looked a sight -soaked to the skin and freezing cold, when this ships officer found me. "What have we here, a drowned rat?" he winked as he threw his massive woollen coat around my shoulders "Can't stay out here, you'll freeze". A Taxi came round the corner and he flagged it down. We talked in the Taxi and were nearly home when I realised my keys were in the bag too, at that point I made my decision, there was nothing to keep me there - I want to come with you I said to him. He chuckled - You can't come with me, I'm not going back home, my ship sails in three hours.

Thats what I mean - I want to leave here, I want to sail away and never come back. At first he thought I was joking, but I insisted and eventually he gave in and took me on board and hid me in the store room. He came back a few minutes later with some hot soup, dry clothes a towel and a couple of blankets. His watch was about to start so he left but he said to keep quiet and he'd return when his watch was over.

For the last week, he would join me every night as his watch finished, he always managed to find some food and water, even some magazines and a book.

I see, said the Captain, and once he brought the food, did he leave?

Well, ...No... We'd roll out the blanket behind the boxes and ..... She blushed and looked at the floor without finishing the sentence.

So, he's been taking advantage of you. Said the Captain.

"Oh no, it's not like that, we're madly in love and once we get to America we'll be married.

None the less, he has been taking advantage of you;-

This is the Pride of Burgundy
We sail Dover to Calais and back again twice every day.

 

Janecrilza was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts, she never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.- Honey! - said the psychic. You will not have luck in love in this life. But in the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.Janecrilza left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought: "the sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins"She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Janecrilza didn't die! She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to seevery well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face:- GENTLEMEN, PLEASE! - One at a time....

 

What is really the oldest profession in the world ?

Traffic cop.

Why ?

It says in Genesis 3:4 " ... and I saw the evil spirit standing behind a bush".

 

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medicalpractitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.And you're single. Just let it go.
"But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
Whispering...... Dave.......Dave........Dave................you're a vet...

 

One day in a school in London, a teacher said to a class of 5-year-olds, I'll give 10 pounds to the child who can tell me who was the most famous Man who ever lived.

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Paddy, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Tamil Govender boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Ravi, come up here and I'll give you the 10 pounds that I promised."

As the teacher was giving Ravi his money, she said, "You know Ravi, since you're a Govender; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Ravi replied, "Yes. In my heart I knew it was Krishna, but business is Business!"