Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

When a woman gets older her period or menses ends and it's called menopause. Why not menostop?
What is the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Why do put our wardrobe in a suitcase and our suits in a wardrobe?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Would it help to jump upwards in a falling elevator when it hits the ground floor?
Why am I responding to this?

 

BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses .

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny..'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense..'
--Jack, 7 ye

 

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

 

That couldn't have been the same 80 year-old man who said to his doctor, "doc, I'm getting married to a 19 year-old gal in a couple of weeks. I'm a little worried about keeping her happy, if you know what I mean."

The doctor replied, "well, under the circumstances, I'd say your best bet is to take in a good looking, healthy young boarder."

A few months later the old boy came in for his annual physical, and the doctor said, "your wife was in here the other day, and her pregnancy test came out positive. I guess that means you took my advice about the good-looking boarder?"

And the husband replied, "yep... and she's pregnant too."

 

Aging #1

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

 

An elderly lady had just turned 100 years old, and she was being interviewed by the local newspaper. As an aside, the reporter, and man of course, asked the woman, "Well, Granny, are you still getting a little on the side?" To which she replied, "Hell, Sonny, it's been so long since I had any, I didn't know they moved it!"

 

Aging #2

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Speaking of memory, in my case it was the first thing to go.
Er . . . I think.

 

Angry husband is not satisfied with his wife's behaviour and sends an sms to his mother in law. Your product is not matching my requirments ...


Smart mother in law replies - Warranty expired , manufacturer not responsible after seal is broken ..

 

Aging #3

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck."Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?"says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"

 

Dyslexics are teople poo!

... so there

 

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers high enough off the ground that the cat can't get them.

He got an A.

 

At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All of the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living."


The bartender was nearly crushed to death!

 

bad

a baby seal walks into a bar room and climbs up on a bar stool. What will you have asks the bar tender? The seal answers: Anything but a Canadian club

 

Some really unusual practical jokes here