Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

They say shitting is a call of nature...
Does that mean farting is a missed call ?

 

Blond walks into pharmacy, takes a teaspoon and pours a liquid from a small bottle.
She gives it to the pharmacist to taste.
He taste it and pull a face
Blond asks him if it tastes sweet ?
No says the pharmacist
Thank goodness says the blond, the doctor said I must have my urine tested by you guys for sugar.

 

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly
man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told
him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -
tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it - that will give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a
blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle
grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and it won't hurt as much.'

 

SUP...

The only thing difficult about stand up paddle boarding is having to tell your parents that you are gay...

SH.

 

What's different between a standup paddle board and a large surfboard?

 

Sean..you're back!!

I'm not,but it's a very good way to develop muscles.

 

Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/ Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, pounding a sign into the ground, which says:

TA END IS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."

From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'"

 

Major car collision on Spaghetti Junction: 12 injured, 4 pasta way.

I saw a flying saucer this morning.
It flew right out of my hand and hit the wife in the head.

I've been engaged quite a few times, but never had the heart to get married.
There's been quite a few near Mrs.

I've always taught my kids that smoking's bad, but when I caught my son in his room with a fag, I really wish he'd just taken up smoking instead.

I for one...
...but that's Roman numerals for you.

 

From a recent German Economics exam...

Q1. What is the value of the Greek economy?
(1 mark)

 

sarahpalindrome (n) A sentence that makes just as much sense forwards as backwards.

 

My family laughed when I said I was giving up science to write comedy.
Well, they're not laughing now.

 

My wife was drinking and making outrageous statements at party. When she claimed
to have invented the echo, I said, "You should try listening to yourself sometime."

 

... no matter how many times its been revised. So also a sarahpalimpset.

 

- a palimsest means something different if you turn it upside down. I don't wish to dwell on the meaning of turning Sarah Palin upside down . . . Leo might want to field that one, he's in Australia.