Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

These are funny. Laugh at the ones you like but don't print them.

I liked the one about the post hole crew.

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/1432594/posts

 

Not actually funny haha, more like funny yuck. Lawyers are now using their unenviable reputation as a marketing tool. Here's the carch phrase from a law firm's advertisement in the Bell telephone directory -

"call me . . . before your ex does."

 

In case you thought you had a bad day, here are 7 examples of a really bad day:

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax handle, leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight HOURS short of the 400 day record; his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

6. A yachtman set off for an around the world solo sail to raise money and awareness for the plight of whales. It was called off only a few days into the adventure when the yacht he was sailing struck a whale, sinking the boat.

and finally.....

7. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There, now! Your day's not so bad after all, is it?

 

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.



The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.



One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.



The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."



The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"

 

MISINTERPRETATION...


I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

 

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.



With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.



"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

 

True story, I did something like that once but my wish was for a lake that when you put your hand in the water and grab, a bottle of the beer you desire comes to your hand chilled and ready to drink... Buggered if I know where that lake is... If anyone finds it, please let me know...

 

The blonds are at it again.

 

Obviously she didn't do it herself... everything is spelled right!

 

"The Somalian Olympic team suffered an embarrassing moment during the Olympics earlier this week. The team representative had to apologise on behalf of his country as a result of this gaff. He stated “we apologise profusely for the actions of our team but we did not realise that swimming and shooting were two separate events.”

 

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.
After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal
with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the fook is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Fook me! How big are the cats?"

 

Just have to post this.

People can be quite lazy about answering letters. Brigitte Bardot for instance. I wrote to her once.
That delectable, pouting French film star of the 1950s who, in later life, became an animal rights activist (and is very sun-dried these days) - had written an impassioned plea to Nelson Mandela.

She asked him to intervene in an international dispute concerning elephant culling in Zimbabwe and Botswana.
Zimbabwe and Botswana wanted to cull their elephant herds but had, up to then, bowed to pressure from Europe’s "bunny-huggers". As a consequence 70 000 elephant which travel to and fro between these two countries irreparably damaged the ancient riverine forests along the Linyati and it was a case of either cull or face further ecological calamities.
There are 100 000 now.
It is difficult for people living in areas where elephants are rare - such as San Tropez and say, Manchester’s southern suburbs - to understand the environmental impact of elephant overpopulation
And certainly the people of Europe have no idea of the flatulence problem that elephants have. Their voluminous bowels are filled with methane gas. This is why these animals are so enormous.
If an elephant were to be totally degasified it would be the size of a warthog. Few people appreciate this.
If you were to light a match behind an elephant you could create a bizarre parody of the 1937 Hindenburg disaster.
I felt honour-bound to send this letter to Miss Bardot with whom I was in love from about 1954 until around 1969 when I switched to Francoise Hardy.
She never did reply.




Ms B Bardot
La Beach
St Tropez
France.

Mon petit cabbage,Bonjour, etc. Comment ca va? Enchantee, I’m sure.

I fear you do not understand what all these surplus elephants are doing to our environment here in Africa. Do you realise how much flatulence - if I may be so bold - there is in just one elephant?

I know I can discuss such matters freely with you because I saw you in Doctor in the House in 1953.

One elephant lets off half-a-ton of methane gas a year! Five hundred kilograms! (Don’t ask me how scientists weigh it but, indeed, they have.) There are 70 000 elephants criss-crossing between Zimbabwe and Botswana.

If they are left to go on increasing - and elephants breed just like rabbits except they huff and puff a bit more - will produce enough methane gas to greenhouse the world. And because they have demolished the forests that used to sustain them, they now have to live mostly off grass which produces in them a degree of flatulence you’d not believe.

They could, one day, blow a hole clean through the ozone layer. They could turn your precious St Tropez into a tropical hellhole filled with mosquitoes and rampaging government troops and crazed dictators. A herd of 70 000 elephants, living off grass, will release in one year, 35 000 tons of methane.

When even a small herd passes through a wooded area, yellow-eyed canaries fall out of the trees like ripe plums. Elephants live 50 to 60 years. Thus, in a lifetime, this herd will produce 1.7 million tons of gas!

Bearing in mind that methane, as a greenhouse gas, is 20 times more efficient than carbon dioxide, these elephants are going to pass into the atmosphere (if you will pardon moi) the equivalent of 30-million tons of carbon dioxide.

Then you have the problem of elephant dung. Well, YOU don’t because you are fortunate enough to be sitting on the beach at St Tropez rubbing dolphin-friendly sunblock on your bare whatsits. But WE do.

Seventy thousand elephants would leave more than 2 million tons of le poop grand in the veld in just one year. And, if we don’t cull them, the volume will increase by 5 percent per annum compounded. Can you imagine 2 million tons of this stuff, compounded?Imagine the methane arising there from?

Just think, in a few years from now, how innocent people will be wading about central Africa, knee-deep in elephant droppings! Imagine if somebody were to carelessly strike a match.

Well, mon petit epinard, I hope you now realise how misguided your campaign against culling is.
Au revoir mamoiselle,
James F Clarke
(Je suis votre trés grand devoté 1954-1969)

James Clarke came to South Africa in 1955 as a reporter looking for trouble. He quickly found it by marrying Lenka Babaya who claims she married him only because she always wanted a simple surname. He skillfully fathered two very beautiful daughters, Jenny and Julie, neither of whom think he is in the least bit funny. Clarke’s ambition is to become President of South Africa so that he can introduce the death penalty for people who say, "Is it?" every time one tells them something


http://africanxmag.com/bardot_and_elephant_culling.htm

 

Thanks Masalai for this very instructive post. I kept it and mode capies for all the Jehovah, Mormons, Evangelical, and other sects that spoil my Saturdays and Sundays. I feel that will be funny...

 

Masalai, that ranks right up there with Bobby Henderson's open letter to the Kansas School Board -- in which he revealed the existence of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and demanded its origin myths be given equal weight in science classrooms with evolution and 'Intelligent Design.' Remember, we have all been touched by His noodly appendage.....

http://www.venganza.org/about/open-letter/

Before Pastafarians and their Flying Spaghetti Monster, there was Bertrand Russell and his cosmic teapot:

 

Now I have to worry about dying from the affects of ELEPHANT DUNG..................
MAKE COUNTRIES AND ZOOS with Elephants pay a carbon tax.