Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Welcome, eldarbeast.

 

Thanks, hoytedow!

I'd have to say no.

They are vegetarians ~ They can't have their animal and eat them too.

eldar

 

The chinese do...

 

New Zealanders have there sheep and eat them too so its yes

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAMfTzSWo28

 

Hoyt that was hilarious.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8V70UXiAhU&feature=related

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dv_gOBi8Wpk&feature=related I could not find a boat that could act as well as pudsley, so here is the dog (Oh and its carer)....

 

Great act!

 

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. So, after Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with ya Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really loved that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday . I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

 

A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole.
He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor
tee shots, to which the caddy replies:

"Aye, there's a piece of **** on the end of your driver. "
The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the
caddy says: "No, the other end."

 

”Hello, is this the South African Police?"
"Eish-Yes. What you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (weed) inside his firewood."
"Eeeh-Yes...Thank you for your co-operasheen and informasheen in combating crime and violence, in our society suh"
The next day, the SAP descends on Hendrik's house.
They search the braai lapa where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga.
They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave.
The phone rings at Hendrik's house.
"Hey, Hendrik! Did the SAP come?"
"Ja!"
"Did they chop your firewood for the braai (BBQ) tonight?"
"...Ja...."
"Happy Birthday Boet!"

 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the government's strategy of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get that taste out of your mouth."

 

A sad tale of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

A squaddie came home after a tour in Afghanistan, and went to the bedroom with his wife.

He had been on tour for several months and was looking forward to a passionate encounter.

Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel on her head, so he shot her.

 

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big ****.