Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Didn't do much salt-water fishing when I was in Florida, aside from taking my sailing dinghy out for dolphin a few times. And I never had a shark argue with me over whose lunch it was, when I pulled a dolphin in. Maybe I was just lucky.

But the first time I left a stringer of fish in the water in Oklahoma, I got thoroughly educated about what turtles do to fish who can't get away....

 

Buddy of mine has been living with his mother for something like 50 years just finally got a girlfriend, pretty sure its his first. They got engaged and now he's moved in with her. Also a first. Come to find out she's lived with her mother about the same amount of time and she also is, lets just say a little inexperienced.

I laughed my *** off when I found out, but I'm happy for them as well.

cheers
B

 

So it's nice they found each other....

 

I heard a good one the other day --Oh I did laugh ---man it was funny --but I cant remember it.

 

More like "Please do not feed yourself to the fish"

 

It's not just sharks . . .

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=ede_1326381224

 

Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.........

This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman

In a brand new Cadillac - doing 65 mph

With her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds...




- to continue shaving -

And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much,




I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying to straighten out the car

Using my knees against the steering wheel,

It knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs!

Splashed, and burned Big Jim and the twins,

Ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers! =

 

A fellow from Prague went off on safari to hunt lions.

The guides became concerned when he didn’t come back to camp one day.
They went out into the bush to look for him.

It didn’t take long before they discovered evidence of a bloody struggle. Blood-stained and tattered bits of the clothing that the hunter had been wearing were found strewn around the jungle. Clearly the hunter had become the hunted and had fallen prey to one of the big cats.

The rescue mission became one of recovery. The guides thought that they should try to recover the remains of the hunter: to be returned to his family for proper burial.

One seasoned guide came upon the spoor of two large lions, a male and a female, and followed them into the bush. He soon found the majestic animals in a clearing. As he was equipped only with an ancient flintlock musket, he had but one chance to kill the animal that had eaten the hunter. He sighted carefully along the long barrel and squeezed the trigger. One lion loped off into the verdure, the other rolled onto its side, dead – a neat hole darkening the tawny fur between its eyes.

The guide took out his sturdy knife and made an incision in the still-warm belly of the beast. The ruined remains of the lost hunter spilled out onto the forest floor.

The other guides had been attracted by the blast of the old gun and arrived, panting, in the clearing.

They heard the successful guide recount his tale of finding the lost hunter’s body. When asked how he knew which animal to shoot, the guide replied, “The Czech is always in the male!”

 

Boom boom !

 

Shampoo Warning

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and

I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone
I'll be in the shower!

 

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that "help" get an ********.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I am still looking for a place to live.

 

It shows what we think of our politiicans when someone decides to name a pool
"The Harold Holt Memorial Swimming Centre".

It's like naming a building "The JFK Shooting Gallery and Book Depository".

 

She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"



MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

 

- you don't like dogs?

 

THE FRONT FELL OFF!

On July 21 1991, an oil tanker off the coast of Australia split in
two, dumping 20,000 tons of crude oil.

Senator Collins, a member of the Australian Parliament, appeared on a TV news program to reassure the Australian public.

This actual interview is funny - you'd swear it was a 'Saturday Night
Live' skit or Monty Python, or for you old timers, Abbot & Costello.

Unbelievable...........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ

http://www.amsa.gov.au/marine_environment_protection/major_oil_spills_in_australia/Kirki/index.asp