Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.

 

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade?

Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The fV@king dance is called the Twist!

 

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a *****!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a ***** fish!'

'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a *****!'

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

'Father, that's the biggest Son of a ***** I've ever seen'

'Yes, it is a big Son of a *****. What should I do with it?'

'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a *****!'

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

'Take a look at this big Son of a ***** I caught!'

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'

'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a ***** fish!'

'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a *****?'

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a ***** for his dinner.

'I'll even clean the Son of a *****', she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

'What are you doing Sister?'

'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a ***** for the new Bishop's Dinner'

'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'

'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a ***** Fish.'

'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a ***** can be the main course!

Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a *****.'

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'

'I caught that Son of a *****!' proclaimed the proud priest.

'And I cleaned the Son of a *****!' exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a *****, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said,

'You f**kers are my kind of people!'

 

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND:
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

 

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom, I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,

he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties,

he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?

She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night...

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the

black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?"

He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

 

Mother and her son were flying with kulula.com from Johannesburg to Durban .

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of a quick answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The stewardess smiled sweetly and asked, 'Did your mommy tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'Yes she did.'

'Well, then, tell your mommy that there are no baby planes, because kulula.com
always pulls out on time. And you can ask your mommy to explain that one to you!

 

For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him. One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion. Naturally all the other fish were curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend.

"How should I know?" the herring replied. "Am I my blubber's kipper?"

 

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 

Little boy walks in on his parents with mom on top...he and she both freak out and he runs off. She frantically grabs her robe and goes after him, finding him in his bedroom. He, of course, asks what she and dad were doing. She thinks a minute and says 'Well son, you know your dad has a big stomach and every now and then I bounce up and down on it to push it back in'

Kid says...'You're wasting your time, mom...coz every few days when you aren't home, the neighbor lady comes over
and blows it back up again'

 

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

MARK says 'M@s-tur-b@te.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'

Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl@wjob.'

 

Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a p_ss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urin@te.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-n@te' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go.'

Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN!'

 

Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little MARK replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little MARK answered, 'No, he minded his own f_cking business.

 

Little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT ho mo **** in our garden!"

 

How far can you trust a friend?
Shaun left to go help in the Crusades and
decided that his wife Melisa should wear a chastity
belt. So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend, Bill.
He tells him, 'If I'm not back in four years, unlock
my wife and set her free to live a normal life.'
So, Shaun leaves on horseback and about a half hour
later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits
for it to come closer and sees Bill.
'What's wrong?' He asks. Bill replies almost out of breath,

“You gave me the wrong key!”

 

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and
get meslippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of
dem,Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"