Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Two definitions by my mother in law, a 86 years old retired physician:

Life: mortal disease sexually transmissible.
God health: precarious state of the body, that announces nothing good in the future.

 

That's why you don't dress up the altar boy like a girl when your drinking and driving.

He might let you shift his gears as his 'payback' for dressing him like a girl. and catch a lift where 'she' needs to go.

 

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

 

Thanks Hoyt, can't give you any points right now





One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery

A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips.

He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?"

"No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."

 

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite

He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.

Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.

"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

 

Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms.

Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask " how did you catch those ?"

Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing!

So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try.
They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now Paddy".

Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries.. "pull me up, pull me up!!"

Paddy asks " do you have a fish Sean?"............

Replies Sean, "No, there's a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!"

 

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. After makind love, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called." she says speaking in a cheery voice.

"Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrific...

Great!...

Thanks...

Okay...

Bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his boating trip with you."

 

A taxidermist was driving through Arkanas when he though he would stop at a local bar and have a beer.The locals didn't like outsiders in their bar and when he entered he was greeted with dirty stares and low mumbles.

He went to the bartender and ask for a beer.The bartender looked the man over and than went to get his beer. When the bartender returned with his beer he asked the man "what do you do?"

The man replied "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender replied "Taxidermist? what is that."

The man replied "Well,I mount animals,birds,and fish."

With that said the bartender turned to the other men in the bar and said "It's ok boys he's one of us".

 

Three ducks walked into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the
first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said
Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to
the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and
out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck
want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So,
you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is
Puddles."

 

A cabbie picks up a Nun She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you've been a nun as long
as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure
that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.

 

A squad of US soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi gunman, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American soldier, also badly injured.

As first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was this heavily armed insurgent.

'We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches on opposite sides of the road.

'I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved – to try and draw him out - and he yelled back that Bush is an arrogant, inhuman, immature, self-serving, ignorant disgrace to the Presidency.

'So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited, hairy lesbian!

'He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!'

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands and hugging each other, when a truck hit us!'

 

A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I´ve cheated on you twice, since you´ve been gone, and it´s not fair to either of us. I´m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he´d collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in the envelope ... along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I´m so sorry, but I can´t quite remember which one you are. Please take your picture out of the pile, and send the rest back to me.

 

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.

"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."

"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What'chaa gonna do ha? ha? Point to you watch and say - TIME'S UP?"

 

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Fanie again.
Bugger

 

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?' 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

' I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the betches.'