Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

"Mustn't look at her ***, mustn't look at her ***, mustn't look at her ***......."

Part of his 12 Step Program from AA, "Asses Anonymous "

 

I saw a motor yacht in Newport a couple of years ago and when I asked how it got its name, was told that the owner asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday. It was called 'Pearl Necklace'
Unfortunately he probably did not understand that saying has another meaning in the rest of the world outside the US !!!

 

A cop was patrolling at night at a local lovers lane. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on.. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir "

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And
her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover
sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at
night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening! "What's your
age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

 

The 5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship...

..1 It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks, cleans & has a job.

..2 It's important have a woman who can make you
laugh.

..3 It's important to have a woman who you can
trust and doesn't lie.

..4 It's important to have a woman who is good in bed
and likes being with you.

..5 It's very, very important that these four women
don't know each other.

 

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were sitting at lunch one day, and they were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" queried the others, in surprise.

"Sure," said the engineer. "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each think that you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

 

In french engineer is "ingénieur", and the abbreviation is therefore "ing."
What does "ing" stand for? "Intelligence Non Garantie" (Intelligence Not Garanteed).

 

Nautical Terms:

Ahoy
The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another

Bar
Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

Boom
A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

Bulkhead
Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much

Cabin
A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored – on their sides if large or on end if small – until needed.

Calm
Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer

Channel
Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats

Current
Tidal flow that carries a boat away from it desired destination or toward a hazard.

Fitting Out
Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.

Flipper
Rubber swimming aid worn on the feet. Usually available in two sizes, 3 and 17

Flotsam
Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a cocktail is made.

Fluke
The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.

Galley
Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

Gear
Generic term for any pieces of boating equipment that can be forgotten in the back-seat or boot of a car, left behind on a pontoon, soaked in the bottom of a dinghy or lost over the side of the boat.

Gimbals
Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

Grounding
Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.

Hatch
An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.

Hull speed
The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.

Jibe
Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this manoeuvre.

Lanyard
A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.

Leeward
The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.

Life jacket
Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

Mizzen
The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.

Moon
Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue colour, sailing conditions are generally favourable.

Motor sailer
A hybrid boat that combines the simplicity and reliability of sail power with the calm and serenity of a throbbing engine.

Ocean racing
Demanding form of sailing practised by sportsman whose idea of a good time is standing under an ice cold shower, fully clothed while re examining there last meal.

Passage
Basically a voyage from point A to point B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q, and point Z.

Pontoon
Harbour landing place that goes crack, crunch when hit

Pilotage
The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.

Port
1. Left on a boat.
2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.

Propeller
Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.

Radar
Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.

Regatta
Organised sailing competition that pits yours against your opponents’ luck.

Sailing
The find art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

Satellite Navigation
Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the surface of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.

Single handed sailing
The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong

Spinnaker
Large beautiful balloon shaped sail used in powerful downwind sailing, collapses at the sides to make control difficult and when lowered stores neatly into the galley and main cabin and heads all at the same time.

Tides
The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.

Yardarm
Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.

 

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys!? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi Goerge," said the pastor. "Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The golfers were silent for a moment. Then the pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anthing that he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

 

A Scotsman comes to Canada aboard a ship and then attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run"
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN" The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls:"Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy *******, rrrun!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains,
"He can't run -- he's got four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams:
"Walk with pride, Laddie!"

 

Top 50 jokes:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/...ommy-Cooper-dominates-list-of-best-jokes.html

 

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly
to see the horses.

>
>When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one
of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
>
>Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees'
to direct the flow away from their clothes.
>
>As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You
must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow
in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

 

The problem is that there is two two pubic hair systems of measurement.
The russian one used in the ussr and former soviet satelitghts,based on olga from the volga.
And the much finer one used by nato countries based on inga from sveden.
The two systems are not interchangeable.

 

One day, long, long ago and in a land far, far away, women were always happy and never complained, or nagged, and life was peaceful and quiet.




But it was only one day, and it was long, long ago and far, far away.

 

Gauteng Police just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tonnes of heroin, R80 million in forged South African banknotes and 25 trafficked Nigerian prostitutes all in a block of flats behind the Hillbrow Public Library.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said: "We're shocked. We never knew we had a Library!!"

 

I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.