Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Some things are universal.

 

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the **** out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

 

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT STRESS IS?

Okay.

A beautiful girl asks you for a ride home. On the way she faints and you take her to hospital.

The doctor says; Congratulations!!!!. You are going to become a father;

THAT'S IT. YOU GET STRESSED.

You say; But that baby is not mine;
The girl said; you are the father of her baby;

YOU GET MORE STRESSED.

...and to prove your innocence demand a DNA test. The police arrive, and a DNA test is done.
The report comes in according to which you are infertile and can never become a father.

WHAT? YOU GET EVEN MORE STRESSED!.

Anyhow you thank God that this ordeal is over, and start driving home.


.............. And then you start thinking; At home I already have 2 kids.

Whose are those????

NOW THAT'S WHAT REAL STRESS ACTUALLY IS!!!!!

 

Bill Clinton, Joe Biden and Barack Obama go into a bar. Bill tells the barkeeper, "I'll have a B and C." Obama whispers, "What is a B and C?" "That's a bourbon and Coke," Clinton answers. Then Biden orders, "I'll have a G and T." Obama again whispers, "What's a G and T?" "A gin and tonic," Joe replies. Obama wants to seem like he's one of the guys so he tells the barkeeper, "I'll have a 15." Now it's the bartender's turn to ask, "What's a 15?" Obama says, "A 7 and 7."

 

Seems you could have worked "57" in there somehow...

 

How many captains does it take to change a light bulb????


One


They hold it and let the word revolve around them

 

BS Hoyt,

They wind up DADDY !
Sheesh....
then refuse SEX !!!

 

A small vessel is approaching the Weser river delta from the north sea. The fog is so dense that the captain sends a deckhand to the bow and reduces speed to dead slow ahead. "Can you see anything !?", the captain shouts.. "Not a tiny thing"!, is the answer from the bow. The captain lets the ship sly ahead at lowest speed, only hoping that the currents don't set the ship off to far. "Still nothing in sight!?", the captain asks. "Nothing at all!", is the reply. "Oh, now there seems to b something! It's almost ahead, just a bit to starboard!" "Well, and what is it !?" "I can't tell! By now, it's just a shadow! We need to close in a bit so I can see better!" Cautiously they proceed and the captain turns the ship a little bit to starboard, decreasing the distance to that object. "Can you see it now?" - "Not really, it's still just a shadow!" "Yes! It looks like a buoy ... oh yes, now i can recognize the shape, it is a buoy! Just close in a little bit more!"
After a short moment: "What type of a bouy, can you see that?" "No, I can't! Can not distinguish it's colours, see just a shadow in this fog! Go on closer! It's still slighty to starboard!" Again, the captain turns the ship a bit and they continue dead slow ahead through that thick fog. "Now, what kind of buoy is it !?", the captain shouts. "It's , uhm ..., it is ... "
Rummms! They hit the ground. "Oh yes, now I can see it!" replies the deckhand, "It's a shallow water warning!"

 

I am sure someone else posted that one earlier, but what the heck. It was funny.

 

Ya gotta figure that after 280 pages...there are gonna be some repeats. Not everyone is dedicated enough to read all the posts prior to adding one. Over time I have gone through them all and wouldn't remember if one was posted earlier than 10 or so pages back anyway. 'Course I have the memory of a rock.

 

As for myself, I am dumber than a sack of doorknobs. Don't tell anybody though. Some of them think I am a genius.

 

I've known some pretty smart doorknobs ...

 

http://ebiquity.umbc.edu/blogger/2005/11/27/smart-doornob-an-exciting-rfid-application/

 

“When you approach the door and you’re carrying groceries, it opens and lets you in. This doorknob is so smart, it can let the dog out but it won’t let six dogs come back in.

It will take FedEx packages and automatically sign for you when you’re not there. If you’re standing by the door, and a phone call comes in, the doorknob can tell you that ‘you’ve got a phone call from your son that I think you should take.”

That doorknob sounds smarter than some of the women I've lived with...my wife excepted, of course.

As a matter of fact, sometimes I think she's smarter than me. But that certainly can't be true....would she have married me out of all the men in the world, if she was that smart?

 

Back when I was young I was told I only had to keep up with the Jones's, now you're teeling me I gotta match their durned doorknob?