Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. cummingknives
    Joined: May 2010
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    cummingknives cummingknives

    A 65 year-old weathered cowboy with a sweat-stained ring around an equally weathered Stetson walked into a rural New Mexico bar on a real hot afternoon, drew up a stool and ordered a cold draft beer. Other than the bartender, he was the only customer.

    A young woman soon followed the cowboy and, surprisingly, climbed up on a stool right next to the elderly cowboy. She ordered a cocktail. While waiting for her drink, she gazed up and down the dusty old cowboy and asked, "Hey, mister. Are you a genuine cowboy?" He replied that he was. "I was born not far from here on the same ranch where I live and work. I ride fences and mend 'em, do the roundup ever' spring, brand calves, castrate young bulls, kill ever' damned rattlesnake I can find, and also do some ropin', play a little harmonica, and love green chili chuckwagon stew. So, yeah. I reckon I'm a cowboy."

    "I'm a lesbian", came the reply from the lady. "All I ever think about is women. I think about women night and day in every conceivable situation, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. If I'm shoppin, or doing the laundry, in church, or at work, it doesn't matter. I just think about women all the time, and I dream about women all night long, too."

    The cowboy just sat there looking down at his beer. Just then a city dude in a suit walks in, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, pulls up the stool on the other side of the cowboy, and exlaims in his back east accent: "Wow! Holy cow, mister! Are you a real, genuine cowboy?!!"

    The cowboy looks over and says, "Well, I used to think so. but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"
     
  2. cummingknives
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    cummingknives cummingknives

    A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink, and soon is followed by a very tiny guy who jumps up on a stool, does some squiggly stuff with his hands and fingers to the bartender who promptly serves a cute little cocktail to the little guy.

    "What's that all about?", asks the first guy. "Oh, he's a deaf mute and a midget who attends sign language school next door. I took over this bar from my dad who ran it for almost 40 years, and he taught me how to sign because he learned it from customers like this little guy here."

    "Well, that's a wonderful story full of history", said the first guy. You're really a nice guy and doing such a great service to the community where you live and work. I'm really impressed, and mighty proud to know you."

    The little guy who ordered his drink finished it, hopped down off the stool and ran out right under the swinging doors, followed a few seconds later by another deaf mute midget. He did the same thing: Some hand signals and finger squiggling, and up came another cute cocktail which he tossed down quickly. He ordered another, then another, and finally a fourth. Then all of a sudden, he starts spinning around on the stool, waving his arms, and gyrating wildly, and tossing his head back and forth and from side-to-side.

    Suddenly, the bartender leaps over the bar, grabs the little guy by his shirt collar and belt as he spins on his stool, and runs him head-first through the swinging doors and tosses him out onto the sidewalk and into a fire hydrant which knocks him out cold.

    The other customer rushes and and says, "I thought you said that you were a friend of these handicapped people, and the next thing you're beating the hell out of someone one-third your size?!!

    "I've told that sonofabitch a hundred times, I don't allow no singin' in this bar!"
     
  3. cummingknives
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    cummingknives cummingknives

    Fred and Ralph are standing on Peachtree Road in downtown Atlanta one Friday afternoon as offices begin closing. Hundreds of real beautiful women began rushing out to catch the bus or a cab. Fred and Ralph were soon joined by a third guy who stopped to chat with the first two while admiring all the gorgeous young ladies.

    Fred: "Ralph, check this gal out in the blue skirt. I'd give her an eight." What do you think? "Ralph says, well that's just about right. Me, too." "What score on one to ten would you give her"?, Ralph asks the third guy.

    "Me, Oh, I'd give her maybe a two."

    "Two!! Are you outta your mind?" asks Ralph.

    Soon an absolutely drop dead gorgeous redhead with a knockout figure strolls by prompting Ralph to ask the third guy, "Well, where does this one rate?"

    "Oh, I guess maybe 2 and a-half, or maybe a three."

    Ralph: "Fred, this guy's off his rocker, right? I mean, this redhead has go to be the best lookin' woman on Peachtree, ain't that right?"

    Fred: "You're absolutely right. She's a ten, hands down for sure. This here guy's gotta seek professional help and quick."

    Ralph: "Mister, how come you give such low scores on these women? What's up here?"

    "I use the Budweiser method of scoring, that's all. Ain't nothin' complicated about it at all."

    Fred & Ralph together: "What the hell is the Budweiser method?"

    "You know them Clydesdale draft horses that Budweiser has in their commercials? Well, the number I give tells how many of them Clydesdales it would take to pull her off me."
     
  4. cummingknives
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    cummingknives cummingknives

    A guy sits down at the counter in an "all you can eat for a dollar" diner, and orders. He finishes up his plate and asks the waitress for another plate. "That'll be a dollar", she says.

    "I thought the sign says "all you can eat for a dollar", asks the customer.

    "It does", replied the waitress. "But you just ate all you can for a dollar!!"
     
  5. cummingknives
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    cummingknives cummingknives

    Two brothers emigrating from Warsaw are seated in the 4-engine propeller-driven airliner headed for America. After climbing up to cruising altitude, the captain comes on the PA and explains all the safety features about the plane including its many comforts, and goes through a litany of services passengers can expect throughout the flight. Before closing, he gives weather conditions in New York, and says that the flight will take about nine hours non-stop.

    About 2 hours into the flight, one of the four engines suddenly sputters and conks out. The captain is immediately on the PA to explain that there is absolutely nothing to worry about. The engines are powerful and capable of sustaining flight even when one quits. And because they now have additional fuel reserves for the three engines, there is no danger of running low. Flight time to New York is now 11 and a-half hours.

    Half-way through the flight, an engine on the opposite side of the plane quits, promping another annoucement by the captain who tells everyone that, despite slowing down to half the normal cruising speed, there is no danger whatsoever. Fuel reserves are now twice what they were, and the remaining engines are functioning perfectly. Because our arrival in New York has been extended to 17 hours flying time, the cabin crew will serve an additional gourmet dinner, all drinks are now free, and an extra movie will be shown.

    Just before reaching Newfoundland, a third engine dies. One of the brothers says, "You know, Stanislaw, if that fourth engine goes, we're going to be up here all night!"
     
  6. cummingknives
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    cummingknives cummingknives

    After reaching New York, and achieving the American Dream, the two Polish brothers embark on a hunting expedition ouit in the Rockies, far from civilization. They've brought the finest rifles money can buy, are using a totally tricked-out 4WD Hummer, and have all the comforts of home that outdoors sporting equipment suppliers can provide. Soon after pushing the "camping" button on the Hummer, they're all set up and start to scour the countryside for their quarry, the rare Ibex.

    Shortly, the spot one on a ridge top separated from the one they're on by a wide, deep canyon. Although their range-finding GPS shows that the line-of-site distance between them and their target Ibex is more than a half mile, one sets up his powerful rifle on the tripod and squeezes off a shot that drops the Ibex dead where it stood. The two brothers are jubilant beyond words, and rush down side of the canyon, across a small stream, and climb up the rocky slope opposite.

    It takes them more than four hours to reach the dead Ibex, but eventually they are admiring the animal and are taking numerous photos of their accomplishment. It's now beginning to get late and the brothers know that they have to get back to camp. Unfortunately, there is no way the Hummer can reach the Ibex, so they each grab a hind leg and begin pulling the dead animal.

    After a half-hour or so, Stanislaus says to his brother, "Fedor, don't you think it will be easier if we pull our animal by its horns"? Fedor says, "Yes Stash, Let's do that".

    An hour goes by and the men are pulling the animal easily when Fedor says, "Stash, your idea to pull by the horns makes it much easier to move the animal, but aren't we going farther and farther away from the truck?"
     
  7. mark775

    mark775 Guest

    Fedor is a Russian name but good joke
     
  8. cummingknives
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    cummingknives cummingknives

  9. mark775

    mark775 Guest

    "So???" it was a good joke or "So???" the Polack hunting Ibex in Colorado has a Russian name?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 8, 2010
  10. cummingknives
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    cummingknives cummingknives

    Howdy Mark, and many thanks for your comments. My jokes were intended to satirize elements of our society through humor, and maybe cause a laugh or two. I didn't intend that they should be picked apart technically which is not humorous, especially from someone whose command of English grammar and spelling is as lacking as yours. Sorry to be critical, but you asked for it, and you pissed me off.

    Your reference "POLLACK" is incorrect and inappropriate for two reasons: First, because POLLACK is primarily a surname, e.g., Jackson Pollack, and also refers to a common fish of the same name. Secondly, by using the word in the context of referring to people, the term actually is a racial slur considered by many of Polish descent to be extremely offensive, similar to use of the N-word in this country that is considered extremely offensive by black Americans or other people of color.

    My reference to emigrants from Warsaw was not intended to cast dispersions on a race of proud Europeans, many of whom left everything they had behind to find and exploit a better start in the USA, such as the Hamtramck area of Detroit, Michigan. My joke could as easily have begun with a pair of Irish brothers or two from Taiwan. What the joke intentionally avoided was a racial slur that you wasted no time in emphasizing, however clumsily. And that offends me as well.

    If you need to validate your opinions of others at their expense, perhaps you ought to seek consolationn beyond the scope and the spirit and intent of this forum, such as a newspaper, for example. Ever since president Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation into law, and in the period since president Lyndon Johnson reaffirmed the concept of equality in the United States, more than ample time has elapsed for the disappearance of themes such as yours that emphasize racial overtones and its many expressions.

    Thanks for reminding us how stupid such concepts are, and how out of kilter some U. S. citizens can be when it comes to liberties and freedoms people everywhere should enjoy. The next time you start to put your mouth in motion, I urge you to make sure that you put your brain in gear first.
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2010
  11. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    IMHO the last one wasnt so funny as the earlier jokes, and I didn't understand what Lyndon Johnson had to do with it.
     
  12. cummingknives
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    cummingknives cummingknives

    LBJ signed the "Civil Rights Act" of 1964, a significant legislative achievement that reaffirmed the USA's disdain for racial inequality begun under the Lincoln administration 100 years earlier. Unfortunately, deeply-rooted feelings among some people remains, and diminishes all Americans among other "progressive" governments. Racially motivated groups such as the Ku Klux Klan, Nazis, and other hate groups throughout the USA cast all citizens in an unfavorable light. Slurs are simply one manifestation of racial discrimination that our government at the highest levels have tried to erase for nearly 150 years. Yet, they persist and infect every level of our society including this forum.
     
  13. ancient kayaker
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    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    We have problems with deep-seated biasses on the forum, as well. There's monohulls vs multihulls, power vs sail, foilers and foiler hunters (foilers are too damn fast to catch, fortunately) and even a concrete submariner or two. Not to mention the people who don't recognize sailboards as real boats. What hope is there for our species?
     
  14. mark775

    mark775 Guest

    Cumming Knives. Sorry you are having a bad day. Also, I'm Polack - don't call me a fish.
     

  15. apex1

    apex1 Guest

    "Polack" is the most common verb to mention people of Polish nationality in ALL countries surrounding Poland. Even in Poland you are asked if you are one or a "stranger".

    Due to the fact that there was no Polish Nation existant for many centuries, the people were in a lesser economical state than the employers / leaders. That made the word Polack a bit uncomfortable for the Polack.

    Regards
    Richard


    This was the jokes thread....................


    today stolen, now in Polen.........

    was a popular one in Germany for (unfortunately) two decades. Mercedes and BMW were too popular there.
     
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