Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays


I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

 

Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."

 

Little Johnny refused to eat.
So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, "What would you like to eat?"

"Worms" Little Johnny said.
The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, "Here they are."

"I want them fried" was the response.

The nurse took them and had them fried. When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one.

The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, "Here is only one. Now eat it."

"I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.

The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny. Just then Little Johnny began to cry.

The doctor asked what was wrong.
Little Johnny said, "You ate my half

 

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "Okay, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers' old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says,

"What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get downstairs and get that kid some ice cream

 

Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short everything that they could think of.

Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face.

He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room & Little Johnny is hard at work.

His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner & to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, Little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table & goes up to his room and hits the books.

With great trepidation, his mom looks at it & to her surprise, Little Johnny got an A in Math.

She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room & says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head no.

"Well then," She asks "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??"

Little Johnny looks at her and say "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around

 

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?

JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

 

Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'"

Little Johnny: "I is....."

Teacher: "No, Little Johnny. Always say 'I am.'"

Little Johnny: "All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

 

Johnny has just received his driver's license. His family goes out to the driveway and climbs into the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the backseat, directly behind the new driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," replies his father, "I'm going to sit here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years

 

On day Little Johnny said to his mother "Mom, remember that vase you always worried I'd break?"

"Yes. What about it?" she asked.

Little Johnny replied "Your worries are over!"

 

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.

The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"

The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"

Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45

 

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself

 

Fanie: the fourth surgeon says "I prefer blonde boatbuilders" but nobody listened to him.

 

Not exactly a boat joke...


10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

Hit the wrong button, see below.

 

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a Rabbi met at the local country club one morning for a round of golf. Over coffee in the clubhouse, the priest said that a local car dealer donated a new vehicle to the parish, and that he performed a Baptism ceremony after Mass last Sunday. The Baptist minister said that he, too, had received a new car from another dealer and that he and his congregation drove it down to the local boat launch where he Baptized the new car while congregants waded out into the water and splashed it copiously.
The Rabbi, meanwhile, sat silently with a smug look until it was his turn. He said that his long-time friend and ultra-successful new-car buddy who owned several GM lots around town drove up in a brand-new Cadillac El Dorado convertible just as services in the Temple were about to begin. These were delayed while everyone inside went out to the sidewalk where a large crowd had begun to gather. Someone called the press and a TV news crews who showed up with a satellite truck, a trailer full of lights and reflectors, and an even larger makeup trailer soon followed.

After everyone had gathered around close to the car, the Rabbi appeared in mechanic's coveralls over which his sash was hung whereupon he laid down on a roll-around creeper, produced a hack-saw, and cut a half-inch off the tailpipe!