Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

That's funny but it looked so good I just made some. "Musabi." - big spam sushi. Yum. I always thought haiku was not good poetry, tho.

 

Haiku!

Gesundheit!

 

Why .....do Woolworth's make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why ......do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why . .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why? Good question.

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (may be even a chuckle)....in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

 

Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway?

 

Why the cop give me ticket for no u turn, when I waited for other driver to take his turn first?

 

A “Philemon” tells a “Fanie” joke for a change.

Gorillas are not natives of South Africa …. Oops, let me rephrase that. Gorillas are not found in their natural habitat in South Africa. Thus, when the Pretoria Zoo started having problems with their sole (female) gorilla due to there being no male gorillas available to mate with her, her sexual tantrums called for desperate measures, & it was decided to offer a reward to anyone willing to perform the task. Accordingly, an advert was placed in a local paper, Rapport, as follows – (translated from Afrikaans)

“R50,000.00 to mate with our female gorilla, apply Pretoria Zoo”.

Initially there were no applicants ( their best bet, the Springbok rugby team, were overseas on a tour of Argentina) Eventually they had a reply from a Mr. van der Merwe, a Mr. Fanie van der Merwe, stating that he would be prepared to do the deed if certain conditions were met.

He was invited to a board meeting the following Tuesday, & while cups of Ricoffie & koeksisters were served, the zoo chairman asked Mr. van der Merwe to put forward his requirements.

Fanie did so as follows –

“Firstly. This must be straight sex – no kissing!”

“Mumble, mumble, mumble…. Agreed, Mr. v.d.Merve”.

“Secondly, any offspring must be guaranteed a job with the City Council, preferably as a traffic cop”.

“Mumble, mumble, mumble…. Agreed, Mr. v.d.Merve. What is your final requirement?”

“Can I pay off the R50,000.00 over two years?”

 

Do you know why Mrs. Lovebug is so happy? Her husband is behind her 100%.

 

Now i know philemon. Who is rooi nek and van der merwe?

 

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says OK, ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed .

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.

They say 'get away with ya.. Prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of f'kin one?'

 

Article in one of our local papers in view of the upcoming soccer thing... new rules for cities, aww... I'm not going to list them all, but just a few. You may not smoke drink or piss in public while the soccer is on.

He he, the wife was disgusted. She said to me why don't they just keep everything like it always is so everyone can see what is really going on here

Didn't know we had so many police... but then you only see them on tv.

And on tv tonight some philamon police chief said in an interview, crime is so high in SA because the previous apartheid gov only built police stations away from rural areas. Shame. In 15 years it never occured to them to actually build something. All we actually need is police doing their work.

Some of the Al Kaida ? terrorists was going to blow up the soccer fiasco in SA. That was the good news. The bad news is they got find out and now we're going to have to watch the figgin soccer day and night on all the tv stations. Oh well, the video shops is going to smile, if they're not at the soccer getting deaf.

Bad news is you soccer fans visiting cannot bring nail files, raisor blades, screw drivers, scissors, knives or anything else similar over. The good news is it's available in many shops, el cheapo too.

 

DEMENTIA QUIZ



FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?





~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~








ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?





SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~











ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??


YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?


THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.



TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?


SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~








DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...



IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...



FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???
WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
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]~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~


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]
DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS[size= ]MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!
[size=
][size=
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][size=
][size=
][size=
]OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
REDEEM YOURSELF:
[size=
][size=
][size=
][size=
][size=
]A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
[size=




]~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~


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IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!

 

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife "Ya no sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station"

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.

Bell 3 rings - we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

"From now on womon, when I say 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I say 'Bell two' you jump on de bed. When I say 'Bellthree' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."

The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife stripped naked! "Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed! "Bell Three" and they started to make love!
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"
"WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four'?" he aked.

She replied,
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE"

 

Must spread reputation first...

 

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

 

A seasoned traveling salesman is driving his replacement around the territory when they come upon a old west town with a general store.


The older salesman says to his protégé, "See that old Indian sitting over at the general store! He remembers everything that's ever happened to him. Go on over and see for yourself."


The younger salesman walks up to the old Indian and asks, "What did you have for breakfast on June 10th, 1966?"


The old Indian thinks for a while and replies, "Eggs!".


Well, since he has no way of disputing that response, he just walks back to his trainer and tells him what transpired.

A few years has now passed and the replacement salesman is back in that same old west town, and as fate would have it, there was the old Indian sitting in front of the general store.


He thinks to himself, "I wonder if he'll remember me from a few years ago."


Walking up to the Old Indian he says, "How!"


To which the Old Indian replies, "Scrambled!"