Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across a road.

She asked the shepherd, 'If i guess how many sheep there are here,can i keep one'.

He replied 'SURE'.

Out of the blue, she blurts out, '352'.

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, 'If i guess what colour your hair really is, can i have my dog back'

 

Milwaukee Man Shoots Lawn Mower - Associated Press

MILWAUKEE - Keith Walendowski is charged with using a sawed-off shotgun to shoot his lawn mower after it would not start.

According to the criminal complaint, Walendowski admitted he shot the Lawn Boy. He tried to defend his actions by telling police, "It's my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want." He indicated to police that he was angry because the mower would not start.

Shooting the mower is considered a crime - disorderly conduct while armed. The most serious charge, however, is for the gun Walendowski is accused of using. It is illegal to posses a sawed-off shotgun.

Witnesses told police Walendowski was drinking before the incident. The criminal complaint indicates police observed him to be intoxicated.

Neighbors in the 3500 block of S. Austin Street heard the gunfire. "Well it seems strange - but he's a strange guy with his drinking," said Donna Kadow who lives next-door.

Walendowski is 56-years-old. Court records show he does not have a criminal record.

If convicted, Walendowski faces up to 90 days of imprisonment for the disorderly conduct charge. He faces up to six years of imprisonment if convicted of being in possession of a sawed-off shotgun.

Neighbors say Walendowski is not violent. "He has never hurt nobody," Kadow said.

http://www.todaystmj4.com/news/local/25902654.html

 

Is that a case of "Only in America"? - - - Something/one does not fall in line with your thinking so SHOOT THE *******.... - first, before he/it shoots you

 

Pilot announces the plane is going to crash.

A female looker jumps up and announces she's not ready to die yet, she wants to feel like a REAL woman once more before she dies and she wants a MAN right now.

Guy in the back gets up, sexily takes his shirt off and hand it to her

Here... iron this.

 

Pilot makes a few announcements on the plane intercom regarding their flight, you know, the normal yap yap.

When he puts the mike down, the switch got stuck and never switches the intercom to the rest of the plane off.

The pilot turns to his co-pilot and says, 'geeeez I want a BJ and a nice cup of coffee right now'

One of the flight attendances rushes herself to the pilots to warn them that the intercom is still on.

Guy out from back in the plane shouts 'don't forget the coffee'

 

and suddenly daisy duck begins to donald he's not dressing fashionable anymore...

 

Do you old farts remember the Saturday afternoon kids "cowboy & cartoons at the local cinema's (before TV destroyed the social lives of children?)

On this day there was a "bit of a weeper" as the second feature so lots of pre-pubescent girls were attracted and attended this session.

An unusually high amount of movement in seat changing and "where are you Daphne" type calls could be heard during the "cartoons" as boy paired off and sat next to girl and the "Ushers torches flashed all over making sure their daughter was safely sitting with other girls"....

Three quarters through the girlie theme movie, one of the "good" guys had his lady seriously injured and he was heard to be saying something/crying something like "Oh what will I do now?" - to which one wit in the theatre yelled "**** er while she is warm", which in that poignant moment totally broke up the audience, the film was stopped, lights flashed, "Jaffers" (a small round red candy covered chocolate about the size of a small marble), were rolled and thrown everywhere and pandemonium ruled - a highlight in the life of a sub-teenager.... The image of "Donald Duck" bursting forth reminded me and triggered ancient memories of a more "innocent time" at the Sherwood & Indooroopilly theatres....

 

Newsreels Mas, what about the Newsreels!

 

Year but, nothing ever happened in those days that was more important than ......... in those comfy "deck chairs" (double width - - hehe - - "dirty snigger of sexual anticipation - - hehe - - )

 

---Almost as much fun as when my cusin and I let a few hundred marbles roll down the the movie theater from the top row - clakety clack for hours. That will teach them to put those mushy movies on the screen!!!

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered
her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to
him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot
air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of
2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes
north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'

She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'
'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help to me.'

The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you
are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's
my fault.'

 

Big Deck...

Hello...

I do love it when I have a group of women - drinking beer - sitting on my huge deck - with limited seating...

Get off my deck and get some more beer - there - now you can sit down on my huge deck - no wait - you flip the steaks - all rightie - now you can sit down on my huge deck...

SH.

 

Written on the wall above the head:

On a charter boat once I saw this written on the wall above the head:

"Last night, my girlfriend asked me to kiss her where it stinks...so I brought her on board this boat."

Stu

 

Ice Fishing

Two old boys from northern Indiana decide to do some ice fishing. They gather all their gear and make their way out onto the ice, set up chairs, bait up and then begin drilling a hole into the ice to do some fishing.

Suddenly they were shocked to hear a deep powerful voice speak to them as if from heaven above. The voice said: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The men look all around and assume that they were just hearing things, then they resumed drilling their fishing hole into the ice.

Once again, they hear the mighty voice from above say to them: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The men scratch their heads, look all around then one of them shouts out: "is that you God, are you trying to tell us where the fish are?"

The voice spoke back to the men: "NO! This is the rink master--and there are NO Fish Under the Ice!"

Hardy har har.

Stu

 

three captains an american, an english and an irish are on the deck of an aircraft carrier in the middle of shark infested waters arguing about which nation has the bravest men.

the american captain says watch this
he calls over one of his crew and orders him to jump off the ship and swim around it
the man does not hesitate and jumps straight off and half way round gets eaten by sharks
see that shouts the american captain we obviously have the bravest men in the world

thats nothing says the english captain who proceeds to call over one of his crew to do the same thing this man almost makes it all the way around but gets eaten by the sharks
see says the captain thats bravery he made it even further

the irish captain then calls over one of his crew and orders him to jump off and swim around the ship
the man then tells his captain to f?ck off and walks away

see says the irish captain now theres bravery!!