Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

How does a blind parachutist know when he's getting close to the ground?
His harness goes slack.

 

Teacher: Class, it's an interesting linguistic fact that, in English, a double negative forms a positive expression. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative expression remains negative. However, there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative expression.
Student: Yeah, right.

 

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

Bartender: Does he have a name?
Man: Tiny.
Bartender: Why Tiny?
Man: Because he's my newt!

 

A baby seal walks into a bar.

Bartender: What'll ya have?
Baby seal: Anything but a Canadian Club....

 

Tonto was sitting inside the tent confering with the Medicine Man as the Lone Ranger lay striken with rattlesnake poison outside.

Tonto: Kimosabe sick with bad medicine from rattlesnake that bite Kimosabe on tip of manhood. What Tonto do to save Kimosabe?
Medicine Man: You, Tonto, rub medicine pouch on tip of Kimosabe's manhood.
Tonto: Hmm! OK!
Medicine Man: You, Tonto, suck bad medicine out of tip of Kimosabe's manhood. Kimosabe live.
Tonto: Hmm! OK. I go to Kimosabe!
Lone Ranger: What did Medicine Man say, Tonto?
Tonto: Medicine Man say Kimosabe die!

 

Some Forgotten Assembly Language Commands
ACMMS Attach coffee machine to main storage
BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
BBT Branch on Binary Tree
BBW Branch Both Ways
BCF Branch and catch fire
BEW Branch Either Way
BH Branch and Hang
BMR Branch Multiple Registers
BOB Branch On Bug
BOD Beat on Drum
BOI Byte Operator Immediately
BPDI Be Polite, Don't Interrupt
BPO Branch on Power Off
BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
CDS Condense and Destroy System
CEMU Close Eyes and Monkey with User Space
CLBR Clobber Register
CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
CM Circulate Memory
CMFRM Come From (essential for truly structured programming)
CPAR Crumple Paper and Rip
CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
CRB Crash and Burn
CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
CU Convert to Unary
CZZC Convert Zone to ZIP Code
DC Divide and Conquer
DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
DNPG Do not pass go
DO Divide and Overflow
DWIMNWIS Do what I mean, not what I say
ECP Erase calling program
EEL Enter endless loop
EIOC Execute Invalid Opcode
EJD Eject disk
EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
EROS Erase Read Only Storage
ERP Erase pointer
EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
EXOP Execute Operator
EXPP Execute Political Prisoner
FS Freeze System
FDS Freeze-dry System
FSRA Forms skip and run away
GFD Go Forth and Divide
GFM Go Forth and Multiply
HCF Halt and Catch Fire
IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
ICI Ignore current instruction
IIB Ignore Inquiry and Branch
INSQSW Insert Into Queue Somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
LCC Load and Clear Core
MBF Multiply and be Fruitful
MLR Move and Lose Record
OPD Open the Pod Bay Doors, HAL
PBC Print and Break Chain
PD Play Dead
PDSK Punch Disk
PH Phone Home
PHET E.T. Phone Home
PI Punch Invalid
POPI Punch Operator Immediately
PS* Punch Obscenity
PSD Pause and Smoke Dope
PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
RASC Read And Shred Card
RD Reverse Directions
RDS Read Sideways
RIRG Read Inter-record Gap
RPM Read Programmer's Mind
RSD On Read Error Self Destruct
RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)
RSTOM Read from Store-only Memory
RTAB Rewind Tape and Break
RWCR Rewind Card Reader
RWDSK Rewind Disk
RWOC Read Writing On Card
SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write
SHAB Shift a bit
SHLB Shift a little bit
SHLBM Shift a little bit more
SLC Search for Lost Chord
SMR Skip on Meaningless Result
SOT Sit on a Tack
SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
SQPC Sit Quietly and Play with your Crayons
SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
SRZ Subtract and Reset to Zero
SSJ Select Stacker and Jam
STROM Store in Read Only Memory
TCFL Transfer control to fluorescent lights
TDB Transfer and Drop Bits
UER Update and Erase Record
WBT Water Binary Tree
WEMG Write Eighteen-minute Gap
WPM Write Programmer's Mind
WYWIWYG Enter "What You Want Is What You Get" mode
XSP Execute Systems Programmer

 

A parishoner walked up to the preacher at the conclusion of his sermon.

Parishoner: ******* fine sermon, Preach. Fckn' awlright!
Preacher: Thank you sir, but you don't need to use that sort of language here.
Parishoner: My apologies, Preach. But I was so moved by your sermon that I donated $5000 towards the collection plate.
Preacher: Fckn' A noshit?

 

A barfly walks into Earnie's pub and bellied up to the bar.

Barfly: Earnie, pour me a couple of shots o'whisky!
Barkeep: Only two, Shaun? You've always sat down with three shots fer as long as I've known you. What's up?
Barfly: Well, as ya know, I've always kept this pledge to have one for me Mum, one fer me Dad, and one fer me self.
Barkeep: And?
Barfly: Well, today I've decided to quit drinking!

 

So these two cannibals are eating a clown and one says,
"Does this taste funny to you?"

So these two cannibals are eating a clone and one says,
"I've had this before."

So these two cannibals are eating a tightrope walker and one says,
"It's good to have a balanced meal."

So these two cannibals are eating breakfast and ones says to the other, "Have you seen my brother?".
The other replied, "I think I passed him the other day".

 

Man: God, are you there?
God: Yes, I am here.
Man: God, can I ask you a question?
God: Yes, you can ask me a question.
Man: God, how long is a million years to you?
God: A million years TO YOU would be about one second TO ME.
Man: God, how much is a million dollars to you?
God: A million dollars TO YOU would be about one penny TO ME.
Man: God, can I have one of your pennies?
God: Sure!....be back in a second.

 

These are some great jokes guys. I will have to find post some to post. Thanks for the laughs.

 

Bill Gates was released from Purgatory and brought forth to decide for himself what fate awaited him, Heaven or Hell. He was led first into a room labeled 'HELL' wherein behind a glass partition was a computer screen that previewed what Hell was like. What Bill saw on the monitor blew him away. Volumptuous women cavorting with laughter on meadows of clover and heather. Waterfalls and babbling brooks amongst towering majestic mountains. Visions of paradise. "Man, if Hell is this terrific, I can only imagine how beyond terrific Heaven will be!", said Bill. Bill left the room and headed down the corridor to the door marked 'HEAVEN'. Inside, the layout was identical in every way, except that what he saw on the monitor therein was no where near as splendid as what he saw in the 'HELL' room. Not even close. The women didn't look as comely, but instead look rather bored as they played with little enthusiasm on thier harps as they lanquished in the tedium of shapeless clouds. But Bill had to choose now, or face eternity in Purgatory. "Well if this is all that Heaven is about, I'ld rather go to Hell", Bill thought. Bill exclaimed out loud his choice. "Hell it is!", and in a poof he was whisked away. But the Hell that awaited him was truly horrific and not at all what he saw displayed earlier on that monitor. Instead, he found vats of boiling water and flames consuming The Damned as they wailed in agony, stirred by hideous horned demons. Fire and brimestone permeated thickly in an air of billowing noxious clouds of ash and roiling flames. Pissed off at the outcome, Bill quickly summoned his army of attorneys (they had arrived earlier) and set out to litigate. Word had reached St. Peter of the pending lawsuit. St. Pete hopped on his Segway and hauled *** like a madman down the hall and into the 'HELL' room to check things out. Standing before the monitor, St. Peter exclaimed, "Dammitall!. "I've told Lucifer time and time again he needs to disable his screen saver!

 

MOST TASTELEST JOKE

Saudi Arabian Airways was denied the rights to fly from Paris to Los Angeles to inaugurate thier first U.S. service. This was due to a ruling by the FAA that prevented thier planes from having a stop over at the Empire State Building.

 

MOST UNLIKELY JOKE

Two Aussies were seen leaving a bar.