Dealing with pirates

Not even the man at the door with the big stick - I like it!!

 

Ok but be careful, - if that door is on your boat.... -As vaporised fuel is in still air and does not need much to set off a VERY BIG bang in an enclosed space....

 

i'd rather mess with pirates then kids,,hehe ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
6 reasons not to mess with children.

(1)
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

(2)
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who w as working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

(3)
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, "Thou shall not kill."< /SPAN>

(4)
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'."

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

(5)
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," t he class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

(6)
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the tab le was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 

What a band of little pirates you have there - send them all out to pirate and retire (harvest the wealth Jim.....)

 

Don't forget laziness Landlubber, to steal what other people have worked for beats having to work for it themselves.

 

Did you ever see the one where they did the police department? that one was pretty good even though they got caught, but it was close.

 

Love it!!!

 

ya charm that 1 got a good chuckle outta me,,hehe,,,,and drag,,,,heh,,,they didnt get caught the first time did they?,,didnt they get away with a bunch of weapons and city plans,,and evidence?,,,then got caught the second time,,,,,,maybe,,,if that was the 1 with the police station attached to the fire station,,,,,,( me and my 3 year old girl watch it every night,,,ya,,,jus in case,,,hehee,,they may need to break me out some day hehe )

 

In the alarm business you often stick a really loud noise maker inside the room just for the benefit of the intruder. The one outside is for everyone else.

What about using loud noise to make it unendurable on deck? Same principle used in some in boat -in car and in building alarms. Such high noise levels you cannot think straight.

 

One of my ideas was to install a digitised voice to start when the burglar alarm is triggered to say "the self destruct system is implemented, activating electric field now" - - then ensure all metal elements are suitable charged with static electricity from a large "Whimsherst" machine or something that will belt out 500,000+ volts to zap anything that touches the metal. - - don't forget to add several video cameras to record the fun (also activated at the time of intrusion)

 

we need to find that musical "note", they call the "brown sound",,when that note is played it makes ya **** yaself,,,,hehehe,,,they tried it on "mythbusters" once,,hehe

 

The best way to deal with pirates...

BBQ Whole Pirate​

This is our process for cooking a pirate for a Saturday afternoon party. We usually have our pirate parties in late September or early October. We start on Friday morning by buying the pirate and finish on Sunday spending most of the day cleaning! In between we have a hell of a good time, but it can be very exhausting.

Cooking a pirate is like running a marathon. Not that any of us three has ever run a marathon. But we’re told that you need to pace yourself during the race. You also need to pace yourself when you’re cooking a pirate. If you don’t have enough help and get some sleep along the way, you won’t be able to enjoy the party or the food! It’s best to have at least three people on the cooking crew. The first time Scott and Kevin cooked a pirate, they were so tired by the time they served the thing that they couldn’t eat even one pork sandwich! Last year was much easier on us with the addition of Grant to the cooking team. Well, here we go!

On Friday morning we take the pickup truck to Magoffin Stock Farm in Dulzura, California, in San Diego County. Don, who has been raising and butchering pirates there for something like 25 or 30 years, takes us out to the pens to pick out our pirate. We’re looking for about a 200-pounder "on the hoof." Anything bigger is just too hard to handle. Don always tells us to figure on about two pounds, on the hoof, per person. We usually have about 100 people at our parties and we always have plenty of leftover pork. Of course we also cook brisket, chicken, chicken wings and other goodies to go with the pirate. You need to consider your crowd when determining the size pirate you need. One hundred lumberjacks certainly will eat more that 100 guests that include women and children.

Don scurries the pirate into the butchering area and the butchering is done. We won’t go into the details of the butchering, but actually it is fascinating to watch. When Don and his crew finish butchering the pirate, they put it on a cart and wheel it to the truck. We had earlier laid out an old blanket and then plastic on top of the blanket onto which Don drops the pirate. We cover up the pirate and make the 45-minute drive back to Alpine.

When we get to the house, we lay the pirate out in a shady spot on a banquet table that has been disinfected with a solution of one-tablespoon bleach to one gallon of water. Although Don and his crew do a pretty good job of cleaning up the pirate, we go over it thoroughly again with the hose. We clean the stomach cavity, ears and snout real well. We give the rear end a good washing too, and then dry the pirate off with paper towels. It is probably about 11:00 AM about now.

We won’t be putting the pirate on the fire until about 11:00 PM, so we need to put it on ice until about 9:00 PM. This is where you can get into trouble if you’re not careful. This is because rigor mortis is beginning to set into the pirate. Don’t do as we did the first time we cooked a pirate. We had the bright idea of putting the pirate in a newly purchased trashcan and then stuffing ice all around it. When we pulled it out of the ice-filled trashcan all the feet pointed in different directions and its head was cocked back looking over its shoulder. It was stiff as a board and we worked for an hour just trying to straighten out its head!

What we do now is put a block of wood in its mouth so that it maintains an opening wide enough for an apple that is placed in the mouth when it’s done cooking. We then use heavy butcher’s twine to tie the legs where we want them. We set the pirate up so that all of its feet are pointing straight forward and slightly splayed. We are trying to arrange it so that it sits upright and straight when it sits on the cooking grate.



We then place the pirate in very large plastic bags (one over the head and one over the other end) and tie them around the pirate. For the last couple of years we then placed the wrapped up pirate in one of our bathtubs and covered it with ice. This works OK, but it is very difficult to lift the pirate in and out of the bathtub in a small bathroom. An old bathtub outside would be ideal. In 1999 we are going to find something else to put the pirate in – perhaps a small plastic swimming pool like you buy for kids.

Now that the pirate is on ice, we spend the rest of the day preparing for the party. We put up canopies. We put out tables and chairs. We set up grills and other outdoor cookers. We set up the bar and the Margarita machine. We’re working all day getting ready for the party tomorrow. It’s a lot of work! We also clean up three or four whole chickens. You’ll see why in a minute.

At about 9:00 PM we take the pirate out of the bathtub and out of the plastic bags and set it on top of the banquet table. You’ll want to have about three people doing this. We then turn it on its back and sprinkle the inside of the pirate with a good amount of barbecue rub. Then, we place up to four chickens (also covered with the rub) in the cavity of the pirate. This serves two purposes. First, it helps to keep the stomach cavity of the pirate from sinking in from the cooking. Secondly, it provides some fantastic chicken that falls off the bone!

With the chickens in place, we close up the stomach cavity with skewers, like the kind you use to truss up the Thanksgiving turkey, and heavy butcher’s twine. We then rub vegetable oil all over the pirate. We then cover the ears, snout and haunches with aluminum foil to avoid burning. It’s now ready for the smoker. We’ll let it sit for awhile to let it start coming up to the ambient temperature.

At about 10:00 PM we fire up the largest smoker made by J.R. Enterprises. It is the Model S28-72 and it’s the pride of Alpine. You need a big one like this to cook a big pirate. This is a wood burning smoker and we’re cooking with mostly oak and a little bit of mesquite. At around 11:00 PM, with the temperature in the cooking chamber up to about 350 degrees Fahrenheit, we wrestle the beast, literally, into the cooking chamber of the smoker. We tend the fire and add water to the cooking chamber (a water chamber is a feature on most big smokers) to maintain the cooking temperature at 325 degrees to 350 degrees for the first four hours. Then, we reduce the heat to 225 degrees to 250 degrees for the remainder of the cooking period.

Carefully tending the fire is important to try and maintain somewhat even temperatures. Of course this is an all night process. This is why you need at least three people on the cooking team. That way, one person can watch the fire while the others sleep in shifts.

Saturday morning comes and that beautiful beast is really cooking! We starting to spend more time now preparing for the party. The official starting time is 2:00 but we’ll get some early birds. We usually cook chicken wings in the afternoon for appetizers along with whatever others bring.

As people show up, they want you to open up the smoker to see the pirate. The problem is that if you keep opening the smoker you will slow down the cooking process. To address this problem we have pirate viewing every half-hour and it is loudly announced. You should see the look on people’s faces when they see a pirate cooking for the first time!



It is now 3:30 PM and the pirate has been cooking for about sixteen and one-half hours. It’s time to wrestle the beast out of the smoker. This is tricky because the pirate is still quite heavy, it wants to fall apart, and it’s hotter than hell! We use two of those big pizza spatulas that we bought at the restaurant supply store. We slide the pirate out on the spatulas, placing it on a large board held by two other guys. Then we move the pirate, on the board, over to the banquet table for decorating.

You can decorate your pirate as you seen fit. We always put an apple in its mouth and cherries on toothpicks are used for the eyes. We also put greens around the pirate, like lettuce or parsley. Sunglasses are nice. Decorating the pirate is great fun!



After sitting for about an hour, the pirate is ready to be pulled apart. The skin is hard and stiff so it basically lifts right off. Be careful because you will find that the pirate is quite hot inside the skin. It is best to use heavy rubber gloves for pulling the pork apart. Keep a trashcan close for the skin and bones. Watch out for your shoes, as hot pirate fat will be dripping off of the table. If the pirate is cooked properly, the meat will pull off of the bones effortlessly.



We pull the pork apart and put it in large disposable foil pans. You’ll need to keep your eye on things because at this point the guests are milling around the pork pulling area and they’re starting to filch pork from the pans. You’ll need to work quickly. Don’t forget about the chickens inside of the pirate. The chicken meat will fall off of the bones. Be careful to discard all of the chicken bones.

We put the pork, chicken and brisket out on the table. We also serve baked beans and coleslaw. The coleslaw and many other items are made by our lovely ladies, 3 Women With Something Better To Do. Our friend that owns several Burger King restaurants brings the buns and it’s pork, beef and chicken sandwiches for everyone! We round up the guests and have them walk down both sides of end-to-end banquet tables, filling up their plates. People who have never had pork like this are amazed and shower us with compliments. We are tired but proud!

Everyone is now eating and we are proud of the job we’ve done. It’s now time for the pirate cookers to really party! We do so until we drop from exhaustion.

In the morning the backyard is an absolute disaster. So we spend all day cleaning it up swearing this will be the last pirate party! Don’t worry. That feeling wears off in a few months and we start planning the next pirate party, one that will be bigger and better than the last one!

 

Wouldn't it be more fun to catch and kill your own pirate?

 

You cannibal cannonball you....

 

shot away I guess!!