Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'

 

pretty lame one...

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly b!tch he's runnin' around with."

 

Please don't throw cigarettes in the toilet.
It makes them sticky, wet and hard to light.

 

I recently saw a distraught blonde weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm and immobilizer too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk.

 

I was at my bank today, there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, " Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, " Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, " Fluc you white people too!!"

 

Don't you hate it when

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

Things that drive a sane person mad

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up

 

I just got sacked from my job, with the Lifeline Crisis Centre.
A guy called Julius Malema phoned and said:
"My girlfriend left me, so I'm lying on the railway track,
waiting for the train to come."
I swear, all I said was, "Remain calm, and stay on the line!"

 

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
wined and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.
"But a man is sitting on the well!"

 

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly
man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told
him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -
tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it - that will give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a
blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle
grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and it won't hurt as much.'

 

They say shitting is a call of nature...
Does that mean farting is a missed call ?


Blond walks into pharmacy, takes a teaspoon and pours a liquid from a small bottle.
She gives it to the pharmacist to taste.
He taste it and pull a face
Blond asks him if it tastes sweet ?
No says the pharmacist
Thank goodness says the blond, the doctor said I must have my urine tested by you guys for sugar.

 

The titanic

 

Left out old uncle Tom Cobley!

 

And the 3 men in a tub...no wait...that was my boat..nevermind heh

 

A man who made fine accordions decided to change careers an make wooden boats instead: which proves that some decisions do indeed have no downside for society.

 

- thought it was loons . . .