Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. AndySGray
    Joined: Jun 2014
    Posts: 296
    Likes: 13, Points: 18, Legacy Rep: 91
    Location: Cayman

    AndySGray Senior Member

    (Don't know how this will translate for international audiences...)


    A guy walks into a bar with a Lion,

    Give me 2 pints, a packet of Salt'n'Vinegar crisps (chips) and a Zebra...

    Following week, he comes back;- 2 pints, Salt'n'Vinegar crisps and a Zebra

    Week 3, he comes in and orders 'the usual'.


    But on the fourth week, when he asks for 'the usual' the barman appologises;-
    I'm very sorry sir, we're completely out of zebras, but I do have a 2 for 1 special on miniature ponies?

    Heck No! He goes completely psycho when he starts on the shorts, and once he gets on the 'doubles' he's an animal....

    :D



    (guess it only works in places where 'shorts' is slang for a shot of liquor):?:
     
  2. RHP
    Joined: Nov 2005
    Posts: 840
    Likes: 87, Points: 28, Legacy Rep: 1183
    Location: Singapore

    RHP Senior Member

    Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

    At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.

    When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
    "My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"
     
  3. Rurudyne
    Joined: Mar 2014
    Posts: 1,170
    Likes: 40, Points: 48, Legacy Rep: 155
    Location: North Texas

    Rurudyne Senior Member

    Speaking of Russia, does anyone remember how Star Trek's Chekov frequently said something to the effect that all the good stuff was invented by Russians? Well, I've heard it said — and we all know how reliable that can be — that even now Russian history books credit Russian inventors with all sorts of stuff invented elsewhere. If true it would be kinda funny.
     
  4. oldsailor7
    Joined: May 2008
    Posts: 2,097
    Likes: 44, Points: 48, Legacy Rep: 436
    Location: Sydney Australia

    oldsailor7 Senior Member

    Don't laugh. They've got the best fighter planes. :eek:
     
  5. JSL
    Joined: Nov 2012
    Posts: 811
    Likes: 64, Points: 28, Legacy Rep: 41
    Location: Delta BC

    JSL Senior Member

    Resurrection

    What is Resurrection?
    While the priest was presenting a children's sermon,
    he asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.
    Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial,
    but at the same time, asking children questions in front of
    a congregation can also be very dangerous.
    In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.
    The priest called on him and the boy said,
    "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more
    than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. AndySGray
    Joined: Jun 2014
    Posts: 296
    Likes: 13, Points: 18, Legacy Rep: 91
    Location: Cayman

    AndySGray Senior Member

    I always remember the story of the space race and the urban legend that the USA / NASA spent 12 million dollars on a pen that would work in space, while the USSR bought a 2 dollar box of pencils...


    There is more to this story - it's been exaggerated but is no myth - and while the pragmatic Russian approach appears to be the winner, that is not the case;-

    The flip side is that the Fisher pen company (Now the Fisher Space pen co.) who actually invested their own money, not NASA, and it was reportedly a much more modest 1 million, now owns the patent and licensing agreements and their worldwide sales recoup that investment many times each year.

    The Russians also switched to grease pencils when it was realized what effect powdered graphite from the pencil 'leads' could have on electronic circuits... :eek: For later missions they allegedly purchased a hundred pens and 1000 refills from a certain American company ;)
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2015
  7. AndySGray
    Joined: Jun 2014
    Posts: 296
    Likes: 13, Points: 18, Legacy Rep: 91
    Location: Cayman

    AndySGray Senior Member

    An Englishman, Irishman and a Scot are sitting at the bar, very depressed and getting quietly and properly drunk...

    Finally the English man blurts out;-

    Damn that woman, My wife's having an affair with a car mechanic - Hidden at the back of the wardrobe, I found a greasy overall and a box of spanners!

    Aye, chimes in the Scot, My wife is having an affair with a Doctor - Hidden at the back of the wardrobe I found a white coat and a stethoscope!

    That's nothing sobs Paddy, My wife's having an affair with a HORSE, a godddamn Horse!

    What ? :confused: ask the others in astonishment

    'tis true, I swear it;- hidden at the back of the wardrobe I found the Jockey!

    :D
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2015
  8. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,604
    Likes: 177, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    MAN KEEPS RECEIVING INSULTS FROM HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW 10 YEARS AFTER HER DEATH
    http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/man...m-his-mother-in-law-10-years-after-her-death/

    Friend of your's Hoyte :D Only in America... where everything is BIG (or is it Texas ?)
    CALIFORNIA MAN GETS 25-POUND ****** IMPLANT TO BECOME ********
    http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/california-man-gets-25-pound-******-implant-to-become-********/

    Of course it's going to be a bstrd if you pass out due to lack of blood pressure each time you get an ********... and I can imagine the bloke becoming wrinkled all over like a raisin during the event. I bet Dracula won't touch (pun) the guy (should we have a poll ? :p)

    My mother says that so much is done on male and female enlargements, and no research is done on Alzheimer's, so pretty soon you'll have very well endowed men and women... but have no idea what it's for !

    This is awesome ! Like here by us, our parliament !!!
    http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/129-year-old-man-claims-his-longevity-is-due-to-cannibalism/

    And let that be a warning to all democrats !
    You cannot eat a vacuum.
    I wonder if it would have been more healthy before the 20th century ?

    Oh nooooo ! They should have let the bear !
    POACHER SAVAGELY MOLESTED AND ***** BY GRIZZLY BEAR
    http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/poacher-savagely-molested-and-*****-by-grizzly-bear/

    After the xth attemp poaching, getting cought and ***** by the bear, the last thing the bear said to him, "you're not here for the poaching, are you ?"

    Next free power source..
    ELECTRIC CAR GOES ON 200 MILES PER HOUR RAMPAGE AFTER BEING STRUCK BY LIGHTNING
    http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/ele...hour-rampage-after-being-struck-by-lightning/
    I must remember this one when next I get caught by a speed trap.
     
  9. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,604
    Likes: 177, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    One dog to another - "My best friend had my balls taken out..."


    Being winter here, it is so cold we had to chop the dog from the tree... :eek:
     
  10. whitepointer23

    whitepointer23 Previous Member

    Harry the snail was frustrated because he was so slow. He thought the weight of his shell was the problem so he pushed and pushed until the shell fell off his back. Then he felt sluggish.
     
  11. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
    Posts: 5,857
    Likes: 400, Points: 93, Legacy Rep: 2489
    Location: Control Group

    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

  12. rasorinc
    Joined: Nov 2007
    Posts: 1,853
    Likes: 71, Points: 48, Legacy Rep: 896
    Location: OREGON

    rasorinc Senior Member

    No thanks Hoyt. You can eat all you want, I'll pass. "It was a brave man who ate the first oyster".
     
  13. whitepointer23

    whitepointer23 Previous Member

    Thanks hoyt . I think I just became a vegetarian.:D
     
  14. AndySGray
    Joined: Jun 2014
    Posts: 296
    Likes: 13, Points: 18, Legacy Rep: 91
    Location: Cayman

    AndySGray Senior Member

    Was he related to Sydney...

    Sydney Snail was crawling along the street and found himself stuck to a piece of paper, to his surprise he found it to be a lottery ticket and suddenly he's a multimillionaire.

    So at the Ferrari dealer he finds a suitable 200 mph car, but it's too plain - he wants more bling.

    First order is a custom paint job to match his shell,

    Then he has custom wheels, with his initial - 17 diamonds in the shape of a letter S.

    The steering wheel boss gets the same treatment,

    Still not enough, so the bumpers get gold plated and initialled,

    Rear view mirror too, finally topped off with a diamond monogrammed shield on the door panels.



    The dealer clearly thinks it a bit much but asks if Sydney is happy with it and he can't contain his excitement.

    Now I'm going to drive it around all over France, the people will see me and they'll all say

    'Hey, look at that S-Car Go...' :D


    (pun on the French word for snail ?)
     

  15. Angélique
    Joined: Feb 2009
    Posts: 3,003
    Likes: 336, Points: 83, Legacy Rep: 1632
    Location: Belgium ⇄ The Netherlands

    Angélique aka Angel (only by name)

    Warning:
    ‘‘ This comic occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors). ’’
    Self-Description
    [​IMG]
    - - click pic for source - -
    Mouseover text:
    ‘‘ The contents of any one panel are dependent on the contents of every panel including itself. The graph of panel dependencies is complete and bidirectional, and each node has a loop. The mouseover text has two hundred and forty-two characters. ’’
     
Loading...
Similar Threads
  1. pontoonmatt
    Replies:
    2
    Views:
    430
  2. batteau62
    Replies:
    2
    Views:
    689
  3. Michael333m
    Replies:
    7
    Views:
    1,232
  4. laukejas
    Replies:
    1
    Views:
    683
  5. jungle3024
    Replies:
    8
    Views:
    1,256
  6. Sticky_Fingers
    Replies:
    1
    Views:
    714
  7. rcfind
    Replies:
    1
    Views:
    545
  8. Squidly-Diddly
    Replies:
    8
    Views:
    1,063
  9. Vineet
    Replies:
    6
    Views:
    827
  10. Cool85
    Replies:
    6
    Views:
    938
Forum posts represent the experience, opinion, and view of individual users. Boat Design Net does not necessarily endorse nor share the view of each individual post.
When making potentially dangerous or financial decisions, always employ and consult appropriate professionals. Your circumstances or experience may be different.